Vulnerabilty

Yesterday I woke up, determined not to drink - prayed for the strength - determined to start this new life of mine - and then - in the evening - drank!  Not a lot - 3 beers - but still - drank.  Urghhhhh!

I received a post on the mmabsers list about vulnerability.  Listened to the talk last night.  It was very interesting.  She talked about all of the ways we fight being vulnerable.  The two things that stood out to me were - being busy to disguise our vulnerability and numbing any kind of feeling - good or bad to hide vulnerability.  She also said that while vulnerability is the place of fear - is it is also the birth place of joy.

I think I might be in that place.  I put on such a front that I have it all together, good wife, mother, teacher, sister, daughter, friend, neighbor, co worker, etc.  I try to be everything to everyone.  Part of my problem, I think with admitting I have an "alcohol obsession" is that I don't want to let anyone down.  I don't want to burden anyone else (mother, children) with my problem.  I don't want them to worry about me or be disappointed in me of I fail.  I don't want to slip up and have a drink after I have announced that I don't drink and have people look at me the way they looked at my father - What is wrong with him?  Is alcohol worth more to him than his family?  That, I think, is a pretty deep seeded fear that I think I just figured out.  I also don't want my friends to me disappointed in the fact that I don't drink anymore - I know they will be.

I am also starting to see that alcohol is affecting my relationship with dh.  Not because he thinks I have a problem, but because I am always miserable.  Not happy with myself for many reason including broken promises to myself (that no one knows about), not getting to the gym, having HO that I disguise as being sick, putting on a couple pounds.  I know that I am definitely pushing him away.  I just keep telling myself that as soon as I feel better about myself, I will open myself up to letting him love me.  I have been telling myself that for years.  I am not sure how much longer he should have to wait.

I just keep telling myself that I will secretly fight this battle with moderation.  Just be really careful and not draw any attention to myself.  It will definitely draw attention if I don't drink anything.

Here are the links for the videos I watched:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UoMXF73j0c

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o

Thank you lulu!