November 22, 2011

I sent this post to a friend who has been posting off list with me. 

A little about me - 43 yo mother of two teenagers - been on the main for a year and a half.  Tired of fighting - better (thanks to that list) but not where I want to be - joined mmabsers - LOVE the sound of perm abs - just not there yet - feel like I still want to try to moderate (I know - ridiculous, but honest).  Binge drinker on the weekends since high school.  Not a daily drinker, very high functioning - no big consequences other than the weekend hangovers which seem to be getting worse and the example I am setting for my kids.  Tired of the hamster wheel, physical hangovers, mental preoccupation and the spiritual/emotional exhaustion.

The following is in response to "How did you do this weekend?"  I have done awesome this month thanks to mmabsers - 5 beers the whole month until 3 days ago.

 I did not do all that great this weekend.  We rented a vacation home for Thanksgiving, had it early due to custody schedules with my sister.  Had family Thanksgiving on Saturday.  Had such an exhausting week last week - got off work early Friday since we were leaving, went outside on my porch at noon !!!!!  and had a beer!  I NEVER drink during the day unless on vacation.  I told myself I would on have the one to relax and then get to packing.  I wasn't driving up so guess what - had 3 beers altogether by 3:00.  Got packed up and got to the vaca house.  Then the wine was opened and I had 3 glasses over the course of the evening!  Not good - slept terrible - you know awake at 2:00, heart palpitations, hot flashes, shaky, can't go back to sleep. Said I wasn't going to drink as much the next night.  

Day 2 - Started cooking Thanksgiving dinner with my family and - you guessed it - started drinking - again in the afternoon - only beer at first - I do much better with that - but again the wine got opened for dinner.  Total - 2 beers - 4 glasses of wine and a complete freak out session with my dd right before bed.  Sooooooo disappointed with myself.  Another crappy  night of sleeping - same routine - said I wasn't going to drink the next day.  

Day 3 - 2 beers - 3 glasses of wine - butt....as I poured yet another glass of wine and sat down, I said to myself, "What are you doing?  No one around you is even drinking!  The one person that was quit awhile ago!"  I dumped it down the sink and drank three glasses of water before going to bed.  Slept better but extremely exhausted yesterday.  Did not drink and slept wayyyyy better last night.  Now today - tired, depressed, angry, disappointed, etc.  

I told myself that if I had one more hangover, I would abs for at least 30 days.  That is what I should be doing, but I am scared - whole week off, unfinished bottle of wine in the fridge, Christmas parties, etc. 

I don't even know where I can post this - I know all of my mmabsers will say - "You should abs - you will feel great!" (I know, but I just don't seem to be able to do it!)  My mm friends will say, "Good job dumping that last glass. Dust yourself off and try again."  (I know their intentions are good, but not helpful).  I am so frustrated!  

Oh and you said you overate!  I feel like the Michelin Man - so bloated from alcohol, salt, sugar, etc!  I just feel disgusting - inside and out!