Sunday, November 13, 2011

Not closed

Someone posted on my blog "Is this blog closed?"  Well that is a very good question. Am I still working on my drinking?  Absolutely!  The problem is I just don't know where I belong - where I fit in.  I am on two lists that I post to.  One deals with moderation.  I tried that list for almost two years without a whole lost of success.  Better, but still bingeing 2-3 times a month resulting in a hangover.  My goal all along was to not waste another day with a hangover.  I get them pretty easily so it is a good gauge of how well I did the night before. Since I was not doing as well as I thought I should, I joined a group that supports abstinence.  I was (maybe still am) convinced that this is the true road to happiness for me. But ....... I just couldn't/didn't want to abs on the weekends.  I tried and tried and tried and it was torture not not be able to have that one glass of wine or one beer. Yah, I know that sounds like a problem.  I have really been doing awesome the last three months in terms of no drinking drinking during the week and the last three weeks with only have one or two on a Friday or Saturday.  I feel good.  This feels OK for now.  It is exactly how I want it to be.  I guess i am not ready yet to give up on my moderating self.  My only fear is that this will eventually/again lead to a Friday or Saturday night binge and a dreaded hangover.  I am going to try to hard to never let that happen again.  If it does, then I will again be looking at total sobriety.  Some on my moderation list will say, "Good job, you have come so far and made so much progress - just be vigilant and persistent with your goals - don't let your guard down." Some on my abs list will probably say, "I am scared for you...I know where this could be headed....I speak from will be so much happier when you give up this struggle for good."  Both are right!  See - I just don't know where I belong.  I joined a "By the Book" list but have not gotten any emails from that list yet??

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