Tuesday, November 22, 2011

From October 13

So I have been at this long enough to know my pattern.  There was a thread on withdrawal today. I do have withdrawal, every time I drink too much.  I am talking about absing then having 6, not daily drinking.   I am a binge drinker and have been since my early twenties except when I was pregnant. I do not drink every day, only on the weekends (until the last couple of years - make an exception on Thursday or Wednesday, etc.).  I have not lost a job, gotten a DUI or been in jail. I am not a fall down, embarrassing drunk.  I go to the gym, eat healthy and am a pretty responsible.  I am a good wife, mother, daughter, friend and sister. No one tells me I have a drinking problem - but I know I am physically addicted and I know I have a problem.

Back to the withdrawals - I am not just talking about the day after hangover (which I do get).  I am talking about Day 1 - complete waist of a day - tired, headache, dizzy, dull, can't think, unmotivated, Day 2 - utterly exhausted, can't sleep, foggy, groggy, Day 3 - heart palpitations, anxiety, anger, moodiness, exhaustion from lack of sleep, Day 4 - more of the same - maybe a little better but still really tired, Day 5 - most of the physical symptoms gone, sleeping a little better, still pretty tired, Day 6 (which I am at right now - BTW) - tired but starting to feel better and WHAMO!! that little voice starts appearing - "look how good you've done, tomorrows Friday, its been a long week, there is a neighborhood function Saturday that you have never gone to without drinking before - that doesn't sound very fun"  IN THE PAST - Day 7 - try to moderate - only have 1 or 2 - yeah me!  Day 8 - binge - this may happen on Day 8 or it may happen the next weekend or the weekend after that, but it ALWAYS happens.  Start over at Day 1.

It took me a long time to recognize this pattern.  I just always thought I didn't feel well, or I was stressed, or it was a long week, or I am just getting older, or,  or,  or ..... Once I started paying attention to the pattern I realized it couldn't be a coincidence...it had to be because of the alcohol.  Day 3 always felt the same, Day 5 the same, Day 7 (if I got there) amazing! 

I can feel that voice starting in my head, my heart beating faster with anticipation, the decision that has to be made, the lack of confidence because of all the failed attempts in the past ..... I really want to get through this weekend without alcool, but I am so afraid I will fail....

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