7/7/11 (Thurs) Seriously depressed but have a plan to moderate

10:00 - Well I got through yesterday-easy didn't even feel like drinking.  Self loathing, disappointment, exhaustion, eating crappy, doing nothing ... you know the drill.  Didn't sleep well last night - to be expected.  Woke up this morning having a dream of pouring myself a beer - what does that mean?  That's a little scary.  Feel down, depressed, tired ... always the same on day 2.  At least I am starting to recognize the patterns.  I won't want anything to drink today either .... will really focus on taking care of myself .... lots of water, healthy food, no sugar, low sodium ... gym - maybe/maybe not.  Don't really feel like it right now.

I was looking back at my row - 36 drinks in 11 days ... 5 reds in 13 days  ...  4 abs in 20 days  ....  not were I want to be

Feeling positive ..  just need to keep myself calm ....  I tend to get pretty geared up when thinking about drinking

4:00 - I think I am seriously depressed today.  I have now learned that alcohol has a chemically depressive effect on me.  I was going to get back to normal today, and all I feel like doing is going back to bed and sleeping ...  maybe crying first.  I don't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, do anything.  Hoping tomorrow will be better.  

I am going to try to use some of my time constructively by reading/studying my RD book.

• Continuing vigilance is the price of continuing success
• My expectation or belief about what alcohol will do for me are essential in determining how I will respond to the drug (the placebo effect).
• Expectations, and not the alcohol, cause much of the positive mood change.
• As tolerance develops, the stop button is diminished or lost.
• BAC should be kept under .055% (1 in 1 hr, 2 in 2 hrs, 3 in 5 hrs, 4 in 8 hrs)
• I have taken enough of the drug that it is interfering with my higher thought centers - the place where we are able to defer immediate gratification in favor of long term benefit - lizard brain.
• Avoid "drinking thinking" - rationalizing having more.
• Realize that halfway through the third drink I will have negative consequences because of physical limitations that my body enforces as opposed to a rule that my intellect tries to enforce.  
• No more than 9 a week, 3 at a time, no more than 3 days a week (12 oz beer 5%, 5 oz. wine)
• I have the power.  All I have to do is find it, strengthen it and use it.
• You get all of the positives from drinking a small number of drinks.
• Tools - measuring, counting, eating, thirst management, first few minutes count, delaying, diluting, alternating, sipping, putting the glass down, timing, self-talk, bring alternatives, focus on the fun, think about tomorrow, find the stop button
• Settle in to a situation, get comfortable with it before rushing to the first drink - this has a tendency to dictate how the whole event will go.
• Sometimes an overpowering desire for alcohol is really just thirst.
• Try not to center on the alcohol as the main or only source of enjoyment in a drinking situation. Look around at what else is going on and put alcohol in the back seat. You will more open to what others are saying, better at making conversation, and more able to appreciate and take part in socializing.
• Make alcohol just one aspect of an enjoyable experience.
• Focus on the long term as opposed to the short term.
• When the buzzer (stop button), sounds you have to listen to it.
• Do I want to keep a moderation mind set or let loose with no concern about consequences?

9:00 - I am starting to feel better.  Did a lot of studying, resting.  Hopefully I will wake up tomorrow feeling much more rested.