Sunday, July 10, 2011

7/10/11 (Sun) - HANGOVER! - plan 20 days abs

am beginning to think I am unable to moderate.  Yesterday did not go as planned.  I did moderate in the beginning, but then just stopped caring.  Have a hangover today and am pretty mad.  I am absing for the next 20 days.  What I would really like to be able to say after 20 days is "Hey, I like living this way better ... I am going to continue my abs" .... instead of white knuckling through it and then jumping right back in where I left off.  I think I am really beginning to feel like a failure in this department and I know that those negative feelings do not help with my goal.  I know - don't beat yourself up.  To be honest, I am pretty pissed off at myself right now - and I should be - this is ridiculous (this struggle, lack of progress).  I need to get honest and admit to myself that this is turning into a real problem for me.  I do not want to end up like my father. It never occurred to me that maybe he also struggled the way I am before it got completely out of control. I know that we moved around a lot when I was little because he lost his job or just wanted to start again in a new place.  I don't think we would have moved if he wasn't trying.  My personality is so much like his - outgoing, fun, lots of energy (maybe misdirected), addictive.  I have only talked to him a couple of times in the last 10 years.  Maybe I should give him a call - he is sober now - and talk to him about my struggles.  Maybe not - I don't know.  I do know I will not drink today.

1 comment:

  1. Hang in there. I am in the same place. I remember the first time I managed to abs for a few days. I thought I had it licked. That was a long time ago and I was so naive. When I read messages on the list from people that haven't drank for 2+ years and now they want to try again I get so discouraged because I think they've been totally sober for 2 years and they still want to drink? Why? I'm hanging in there with you, trying to get my first 30 in there before the one year anniversary of my blog.