Friday, July 29, 2011

7/29/11 (Fri) - Try to be good on family vaca

This week has not been good.  I have felt weird all week, especially when I try to sleep - heart fluttering, kind of like a restless less thing, itchy, hot, exhausted but restless.  Is all of that withdrawal?  Super tired in the afternoon - don't feel like doing anything (even 5 days out).  I have always blamed it on other things.  

I have been depressed, got in a huge fight with DH last night.  I know that my problems with him stem from the alcohol.  Not directly - he, ironically, says that I don't have a problem, that I am just too hard on myself.  He is the kind of drinker we all want to be - a social drinker with a stop button who usually abstains.  But I know that the way I feel about myself is directly affecting our relationship and alcohol is directly affecting the way I feel about myself.  

I know that if I go overboard this weekend, I will feel horrible mentally, physically, emotionally next week and nothing will get any better.  I also know that I CANNOT abstain on this family vacation.  OMG - if you knew my family!  Next vacation - maybe - but this one - I just want to be realistic.  Our family vacations have been plagued with alcohol induced arguments and full on brawls in the past.  I honestly think I am the heaviest drinker, but not the only drinker. Even the thought of the vacation is giving me anxiety because of the past.

My goal this weekend is to stay at least moderate if not abstain all together.  My goal for this vacation is to have a relaxing, peaceful, fun, calm time (as opposed to the hyper, buzzed, hungover, grumpy, exhausted, emotional, angry, stressed vacations of the past). Notice that most of the words in the past vacations are negative.  I want to create a new memory this year.

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