Saturday, July 23, 2011

7/23/11 (Sat) Message from Tucker

I have been blown away by a post that I received.  With her permission, I want to share this amazing response.  

They/I have all the knowledge, just do not apply it. I would say I CHOOSE not to apply it, but honestly, sometimes I don't really feel like I have any control.
I’ve been reading your posts daily & I also read your blog.  You have a fairly predictable drinking pattern going on & it’s nothing unusual, it’s basically the same thing everyone on this list is dealing with.  You like to drink.  You like the buzz, I presume you like the taste, & you are into immediate self-gratification.  Feeling ick or less than woohoo! sucks. And you know what cures it.  ( :
Me too.  I want you to understand this is coming from someone JUST LIKE YOU. 
So~~  here’s my personal advice to you as someone who has read you are afraid you are becoming physically addicted & let me tell you, as someone who had to have medical supervision in order to detox safely?  You are in the beginning stages; that stuff you reported in your blog? 
I feel exhausted, but restless.  I can't get comfortable and feel irritable. I also think I am getting hot flashes from withdrawal.
I feel all shaky.  Not like the DT's or whatever they call that - not visible, uncontrollable shaking.  It is more like heart palpitations – an inside shakiness.
every time (anymore) that I abs for more than 3 days I become exhausted, restless, grumpy, shaky.
Those are your own words.  And here’s the opinion & words of someone who had that window of opportunity & let it close: 
You need to abstain for a long period of time so that you can meet the real you & learn about her & figure out what makes her tick & why she drinks.  You need to figure out what’s going on behind the scenes, so to speak, & honestly, 3 or 4 days of absing is not going to cut it.  You’re having withdrawal symptoms, just let me clear that confusion up for you.  You are.  That’s what it’s like at the beginning of physical addiction.  Your body needs you to stop drinking & let it heal & while it’s healing & the booze is also exiting your brain cells & every cell in your body...  you can figure things out.  You’re on a hamster wheel right now.  You have to stop the motion so you can quit just going in circles. 
Scary, huh?  You probably don’t like reading this & good for you if you still are.  Bravo.  See, the deal is, it’s not too late.  It’s not too late for you to do this with just a mild level of discomfort & then after that...  it’s a choice.  Right now honestly I doubt that it is a choice that you can make from a position of strength.  I know when I was there it wasn’t a choice for me because I never allowed myself the room to allow it to be a CHOICE.  I had to learn the hard way what it’s like to detox from alcohol with nurses & doctors around to make sure you don’t die or stroke out.  I had several months where I went through what you’re describing & I could have spent 2 crappy days, maybe 3, & then I’d have been on the other side & given myself a real chance at learning a different behavior & a new pattern~  because your drinking is a learned behavior & a habit & a routine.  And a baby addiction.  You don’t want to go through the battle of prying yourself out of a full grown massive addiction.  That little bit of 'ick; I don’t feel good’?  That is NOTHING to what is ahead if you don’t get on top of this.  Right now you can’t imagine & you should keep it that way.
I debated being this blunt & honest with you & I’m doing it woman to woman & off list because I don’t want you to feel judged~~  I want you to feel supported & I don’t want a bunch of people chiming in who are also on the hamster wheel.  I’m hoping you can read this exactly as it is written, & notice I am someone who has been where you are & is out the other side now.  You can stop this.  You’re actually the only one  who can stop this.  But you have to do it. 
The best tool you have in your belt right now is ABSTINENCE.  That is the flat out blunt scary awful truth.  This is a fight.  It’s a battle. You need to arm yourself & take up weapons & the best one right now for you, & I am saying this having paid close attention to your blog, your thoughts, your words, & your posts every day...  You need to declare war & you need to stop drinking.  And then, once you are in control of THAT...  then you can think about wading back in & learning to moderate. 
You can take this or leave it.  I debated whether to send it or not, but decided I’d be re-miss if I didn’t, so here it is.  I dislike drama with a passion & so you won’t see me posting on list very often but I wanted to share this with you because you’re at a crossroads with that physical addiction you’re babying along & it wouldn’t be right to not clue you in.  You’re not imagining it.  And your father, grandfather, great-grandfather, me...  none of ever thought it’d catch us.  You know Pierre’s analogy about the Dragon?  I played & rough housed with that Dragon for YEARS before it turned on me.  I never dreamed I’d have to go to rehab, are you effing kidding me?  I was BORN to drink.  I never had a hang over.  I had massive control.  I never passed out, I never blacked out, I never got a DWI or a PI or a Disorderly Conduct, there were no legal repercussions for me, I raised a kid who graduated Magna Cum Laude & I did it on my own, I work in law enforcement, 18 years, I am a control FREAK, I fix things for other people, everyone turns to ME for guidance & help & advice...  how the hell could I end up a whimpering, teeth chattering, snotty, puking, shaking, seizure-having, weeping, crying, snively, begging for a drink DRUNK?  Your dad, your granddad, your great granddad...  everybody on that stupid wheel...  we all thought the same thing.  Not me.  No way. 
Just food for thought.  Digest it as you can. 

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