Saturday, July 23, 2011

7/23/11 (Sat) - Tucker has scared me straight

This is the response I have for Tucker.  As you can tell it touched me deeply on so many levels.  I can't stop thinking about her story, my story, her past, my future .....


I am crying right now!  Thank you so much for taking the time to read about me on my blog, get to know who I am and what I am about, listen with your heart to what I say and the struggles I am having.  This is the most powerful post (or honestly thing) ANYONE has EVER said to me!  You have actually scared the shit out of me, which I believe you indented on doing - thank you!  This was an honest, butt kicking, hard to read (even harder to comprehend that you could be right) post.  You really have made me look at some hard truths.  The most powerful things you said to me were:

You need to abstain for a long period of time so that you can meet the real you & learn about her & figure out what makes her tick & why she drinks.  You need to figure out what’s going on behind the scenes, so to speak, & honestly, 3 or 4 days of absing is not going to cut it.  You’re having withdrawal symptoms, just let me clear that confusion up for you.  You are.  That’s what it’s like at the beginning of physical addiction.  Your body needs you to stop drinking & let it heal & while it’s healing & the booze is also exiting your brain cells & every cell in your body...  you can figure things out.  You’re on a hamster wheel right now.  You have to stop the motion so you can quit just going in circles. 

That really scares me that you went through the exact same crappy days, were just like me, and eventually got seriously physically addicted?  How long did it take?  How did you know?  Was there a sudden shift or was it gradual?

I never had a hang over.  I had massive control.  I never passed out, I never blacked out, I never got a DWI or a PI or a Disorderly Conduct, there were no legal repercussions for me, I raised a kid who graduated Magna Cum Laude & I did it on my own, I work in law enforcement, 18 years, I am a control FREAK, I fix things for other people, everyone turns to ME for guidance & help & advice...  how the hell could I end up a whimpering, teeth chattering, snotty, puking, shaking, seizure-having, weeping, crying, snively, begging for a drink DRUNK?  Your dad, your granddad, your great granddad...  everybody on that stupid wheel...  we all thought the same thing.  Not me.  No way. 

I do feel the same way.  I am married, but run this whole household, take care of two kids (pretty well if I do say so myself), and am a teacher.  I am respected, looked up to, organized, determined, fit, active, OK-bossy, fun, outgoing, compassionate and can do anything I set my mind too.  Did all eventual alcoholics feel the same way?  Do you suppose my Dad felt the same way?  The thought of that is really messing with my head.  My head is saying - you aren't that bad, you aren't anything like that, you have never been in trouble, had any legal ramifications, never lost a job, have a family that doesn't see you like that because you don't drink every day.  You never drink in the morning.  Yeah - maybe you go a little over board a little more than you would like, but that doesn't make you an alcoholic.  IS MY HEAD RIGHT? OR IS IT THE ADDICTION THAT IS TALKING TO ME - TELLING ME WHATEVER I NEED TO HEAR TO KEEP FEEDING IT?

I want to know more about you - are you my age?  Were you a binge drinker, or an everyday drinker?  What is your family history?  How long have you been sober?  Or do you moderate?  I don't mean to be nosy I just find your story intriguing, fascinating and almost like I am looking in the mirror of what may happen to me.

Also, I really wish you would post your post and my response to the list.  I hear what you are saying about not wanting to, but what you said is so very powerful.  I think it would help a lot of people.  

Also, do I have your permission to copy and paste it to my blog?  You never know .... you could have just saved my life.  

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