Thursday, July 7, 2011

7/5/11 (Tues) - First Day of Blog - Need a Change - Terrible Hangover

10:00 - I feel terrible today.  I drank too much again last night.  My heart is palpitating,  I cannot focus on anything.  My head feels dizzy.  I feel very shaky. I cannot understand why I can’t control my struggles over alcohol.  I have been trying for so long.  I really don’t know if I am powerless or if I do have power but am just not trying hard enough.  
I had a dream last night that we were at a bowling ally and I really wanted a cigarette.  I looked at the menu, and ordered one (even though I knew I shouldn’t).  I knew the kids were with me and they would not approve. I did it anyway - just pushed those thoughts away.  When I walked away from the counter, I had a beer in my hand instead - it was morning.  Is that dream telling me that it is time to stop?  That maybe I am powerless, and if I don’t stop soon it will just get worse?  

I have been trying to moderate for 10 years now.  Some months I do better, but overall, still the same if not worse.  I am still binge drinking almost every weekend, and now I am wanting to drink during the week and start earlier in the day on the weekends.  I hardly ever go 4 days in a row without drinking.  I drink by myself, I hide it.  I plan activities, gatherings, parties just so I can drink.  I think about it I drinking today?  How much?  When will I start?  What will the plan be?  It is consuming me.  That’s weird, because I am actually consuming it.  

I am not being a good role model to my children.  Two days ago I was trying to talk to my son and he said, “Mom, I don’t even know what you are saying.”  I could be in denial and say he just wasn’t understanding me, but maybe I really wasn’t making any sense.  My daughter waits until I have had a couple of glasses of wine to ask me if she can do something.  I am entirely to sensitive, probably because I know I have a problem, I just don’t want anyone else to think badly of me.  I think it (my addiction) is slowly becoming something too big for me too handle.  I am so confused, depressed, angry, defeated....I do know that I will not poison my body today.  

6:00  I have wasted this whole day.  I am so tired, more like exhausted.  I have eaten crap all day and done nothing.  I do know what is going to happen.  I will feel better tomorrow and thoughts will start creeping in that say, “You can moderate.  It isn’t that big of a deal, just do better.  Pay attention...count...stay hydrated ..... use the tools, etc.”   By Friday, I will have fully convinced myself that I am fine and will drink, probably more than planned. Then I will drink again on Saturday, maybe on Sunday, and will start this cycle over again for the millionth time.  

 I am going to make a list of the reasons I do want to quit.

No more hangovers - no wasted days
Feel less depressed - not guilty about letting myself down
Be more calm - in a better mood with family
Get to the gym on a regular basis
Focus on my weight/health goals
Have less anxiety - feel good about myself and my choices
Fin peace that I will never find on the path I am on
Be less sensitive - feel good about myself so I won’t worry so much about what everyone else thinks

I am going to journal everyday about how I feel.  How it is going.  Maybe getting my feelings out will help.

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