Thursday, July 7, 2011
7/5/11 (Tues) - First Day of Blog - Need a Change - Terrible Hangover
10:00 - I feel terrible today. I drank too much again last night. My heart is palpitating, I cannot focus on anything. My head feels dizzy. I feel very shaky. I cannot understand why I can’t control my struggles over alcohol. I have been trying for so long. I really don’t know if I am powerless or if I do have power but am just not trying hard enough.
I had a dream last night that we were at a bowling ally and I really wanted a cigarette. I looked at the menu, and ordered one (even though I knew I shouldn’t). I knew the kids were with me and they would not approve. I did it anyway - just pushed those thoughts away. When I walked away from the counter, I had a beer in my hand instead - it was morning. Is that dream telling me that it is time to stop? That maybe I am powerless, and if I don’t stop soon it will just get worse?
I have been trying to moderate for 10 years now. Some months I do better, but overall, still the same if not worse. I am still binge drinking almost every weekend, and now I am wanting to drink during the week and start earlier in the day on the weekends. I hardly ever go 4 days in a row without drinking. I drink by myself, I hide it. I plan activities, gatherings, parties just so I can drink. I think about it constantly.....am I drinking today? How much? When will I start? What will the plan be? It is consuming me. That’s weird, because I am actually consuming it.
I am not being a good role model to my children. Two days ago I was trying to talk to my son and he said, “Mom, I don’t even know what you are saying.” I could be in denial and say he just wasn’t understanding me, but maybe I really wasn’t making any sense. My daughter waits until I have had a couple of glasses of wine to ask me if she can do something. I am entirely to sensitive, probably because I know I have a problem, I just don’t want anyone else to think badly of me. I think it (my addiction) is slowly becoming something too big for me too handle. I am so confused, depressed, angry, defeated....I do know that I will not poison my body today.
6:00 I have wasted this whole day. I am so tired, more like exhausted. I have eaten crap all day and done nothing. I do know what is going to happen. I will feel better tomorrow and thoughts will start creeping in that say, “You can moderate. It isn’t that big of a deal, just do better. Pay attention...count...stay hydrated ..... use the tools, etc.” By Friday, I will have fully convinced myself that I am fine and will drink, probably more than planned. Then I will drink again on Saturday, maybe on Sunday, and will start this cycle over again for the millionth time.
I am going to make a list of the reasons I do want to quit.
No more hangovers - no wasted days
Feel less depressed - not guilty about letting myself down
Be more calm - in a better mood with family
Get to the gym on a regular basis
Focus on my weight/health goals
Have less anxiety - feel good about myself and my choices
Fin peace that I will never find on the path I am on
Be less sensitive - feel good about myself so I won’t worry so much about what everyone else thinks
I am going to journal everyday about how I feel. How it is going. Maybe getting my feelings out will help.