7/7/18 4th Group Mtg and Talked to my sister

I went to my group meeting yesterday. I was so sad to hear that of the 10 of us, 3 had relapsed over the holiday. I could see the disappointment and sadness in their eyes as they admitted it.  They were different the entire meeting - quieter, watery/nervous eyes, sad...I know those feelings. I tried to use that as motivation. I would be feeling the exact same way if I had drank and I don't want to feel that way anymore.

The meeting was fine. Sometimes I am getting sick of all the time this is taking up - like 14 hours a week with the commute- but I am committed to seeing it through. Sometimes I feel like I don't have a right to share bc all those these people seem to be further down the road than me. That one guy (turns out this is his 5th DUI) was there and I am really struggling with that. He is so smug. He acts like...I have been were you all are, I know all the rules about getting a DUI, I have been to rehab/on antibuse/to jail/etc. and let me share that with you. He really does monopolize the conversation and sometimes even gets a little condescending and rude to other members of the group. No one says anything and I feel bad for the therapists, but don't know if I should say anything. I do know that he causes me anxiety during the group. I am afraid if I call him out, I will just be causing more tension which is not good for the group. Maybe I will email the therapist.

Yesterday we talked about truthfulness and total abstinence.  It was interesting, but not really any new information. I was too preoccupied with how annoyed I was feeling.

My sister finally asked me (2 weeks later) how it was going. We talked for a bit and the question she asked was, "Have you asked them if you would be able to drink moderately again in the future?" WHAT!?!?! Did she really just ask me that? I don't get it. Is she really that clueless about what I have been going through? Does she really want me to drink with her that badly? Is she not willing to look at her own drinking so is uncomfortable with me looking at mine? Does she really even listen when I tell her how bad it is gotten?  I was shocked she would ask me that. I told her that I have already proven to my self over the last ten years that I cannot be attempting to moderate and find happiness.  It is just too much of a mental obsession, even if I am not drinking that much by other people's standards. I also told her that I have learned that once you cross that line into addiction, you can never go back. As much as I would like to be a moderate drinker (even though I am not even sure of that anymore but didn't say that to her) and drink with her, it is just not worth the mental obsession/anxiety/depression/torture that comes with it. She is a big trigger for me. She is the one I almost always break my sobriety with. Maybe that is bc I know she secretly wants me to continue to drink with her so she won't judge me when I do drink. I don't know how to make her understand just how mentally destructive alcohol is for me - even when I am successfully moderating.