7/26/18 12th IOP Group Mtg and Shame and "The Wall"

Yesterday was my last IOP group meeting! I did it! I went to all 12 - 3 hour meetings. Now I need to figure out what to do next. Relapse Prevention meetings through Kaiser once a week (12 more to do)? Continue the family education meetings through Kaiser once a week (8 more to do)? Life Ring?

Yesterday the topic was Shame and Guilt - the same topic as my very first meeting. I guess I didn't need to go yesterday, but I was glad I did. It kind of felt like coming full circle. I remember sitting in that very first meeting - terrified. I didn't want to talk, I was barely listening to the topic (shame and guilt) and did not share anything. Yesterday, I felt totally comfortable, actually a little sad to be done as I have developed a sense of caring for a few of the members. And I shared. I talked about how I don't have a lot of guilt around drinking. I haven't gotten a DUI, lost a job, ruined relationships and that lack of guilt sometimes gets my in trouble bc it stimulates my relapse justification voice.

What I do have is shame. Shame I couldn't control it, shame that I always ended up back to my weekend binge drinking, that I couldn't keep my promises to myself, that I couldn't do better, that I couldn't BE better, that I was weak and that there was something inherently wrong with me. THIS is why I finally decided to get help. Not bc I have had external consequences or bc I drink everyday or get the shakes or need medical detox or am willing to give everything up for a drink - but bc I was living in my own mental torture chamber filled with shame and guilt and self loathing and depression and anxiety. As my therapist says, "I was not living according to my values. I was in conflict with the person I wanted to be."

We read this article https://psychcentral.com/lib/shame-the-core-of-addiction-and-codependency/ and I could relate to almost all of the content. I almost stated crying when we read this paragraph:

Healing Shame

Healing requires a safe environment where you can begin to be vulnerable, express yourself, and receive acceptance and empathy. Then you’re able to internalize a new experience and begin to revise your beliefs about yourself. It may require revisiting shame-inducing events or past messages and re-evaluating them from a new perspective. Usually it takes an empathic therapist or counselor to create that space so that you can incrementally tolerate self-loathing and the pain of shame enough to self-reflect upon it until it dissipates.

I just had this realization that being in this group (or some other group) and seeing a therapist is EXACTLY what I needed. 

The second part of the meeting was about the Stages of Recovery which was also incredibly enlightening.  The stages are Withdrawal (14 days), Honeymoon aka Pink Cloud (15-45 days), The Wall (45 days to 4 months), Adjustment aka the 6 month syndrome (4-6 months) and Resolution.

I always relapse during the Wall, Adjustment or Resolution stage. These stages are marked by:
The Wall -  low energy, anhedonia, relapse justification, isolation, depression, behavioral drift, resistance to exercise, dissolution of structure, interpersonal conflict
Adjustment - drifting from commitment to recovery, sloppiness regarding limits, relaxation of structure, struggle over the acceptance of addiction, boredom, lack of goals, guilt and shame, job dissatisfaction,
Resolution - struggle with lifelong addiction concept, allowing people, places, things, emotions, structure, perfectionism, neglecting balance, unrealistic expectations and the relapse justification voice to convince you to try again to moderate.

I was thinking about how to combat relapse during these different stages.  I think it is all about what I talked about in a previous post - keep myself strong (physically, mentally, emotionally) so that I can fight for my sobriety. This would include being vigilant about continuing to exercise, meditate, eating well, sleeping enough, and going to group/therapy.  If I stop doing these things, I run the risk of relapsing during a weakened state. My relapse justification voice gets stronger.

I can not begin to express the sense of relief I feel that I finally found the courage to get some help. I was so scared. In the end, you all were right, there was nothing to be scared of. All of us are in the same boat and it is so nice to be able to talk to people who "get it." I am a little nervous to join a new group, but I will do it bc I need to do it.