7/11/18 - 3rd Individual Appt and Codependency

Yesterday I met with my therapist. We talked a lot about my childhood and how I kind of felt like I never really mattered. My dad was an alcoholic so I always felt like alcohol mattered more to him. My mom was so consumed with my father's alcoholism, her divorce and then her own life once she got remarried that I never felt that I really mattered to her. Even as adults I always felt that my youngest sister mattered more as my mom seemed to always take her side to try to get me to make things better bc she knew my sister wouldn't. I went to 9 different schools in 12 years so I never really mattered to friends except for one when I was in 6th grade, but then we moved.

Maybe that is why I need to feel valued in a conversation. I hate it when I don't think someone is listening to me or all they want to talk about is themselves.  I have been guilty of this as well, but am aware of it and am working on it. The more I work on being a good listener, the more I notice how everyone else is not. Most of the time, I really don't feel like what I say matters. People are really only half listening and are more interested in talking about themselves. It is annoying. It causes me to get impatient and bored in conversations which makes it difficult to socialize which leads to isolation which might lead back to drinking. Alcohol makes me not care about that. When drinking with a friend, I don't notice that they aren't really listening. I don't think either one of us is really listening...just mindless chatter for hours fueled by alcohol. It does, however, make it easier to communicate and be social.

So what am I going to do about that? I asked the therapist and she had two suggestions. First, she suggested I need to expand my bubble of friends. Maybe find some volunteer activities or attend some recovery meetings. Just put myself out there and be open to making some new connections with new people. I think that is a great idea, so I am searching around for some different opportunities.  Instead of quasi-connecting with everyone while drinking, find some friends that I have a lot in common with and enjoy talking to - relationships where I do feel valued.

Second she suggest I read this book: 

Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives

by Pia Mellody.  I thought, "Codependent? What? I don't even think I really know what that means?" I thought it had to do with enabling others in their additions and problems.  Last night I watched this video:  https://youtu.be/xJ2O-r6yfBM . I was fascinated by what she was saying. The part that I identified with the most is being very egocentric in terms of self validation and thinking that everyone needs to think the way I do and understand me. If they don't, it is my job to make them see it my way bc obviously my way is right and they have a problem with the way they see things. The idea is that I shouldn't be trying to change other people and that what their opinion is of me shouldn't have an effect on me. That the neglect I felt in childhood, has caused me to feel undervalued which then causes the secondary symptoms of needing to be liked by everyone and understood at all times....or something like that. I am going to order that book today.

So instead of using alcohol to make me feel liked and valued (bc I don't notice while intoxicated if I'm not being listened to), I need to find new connections with new people and I need to basically live and let live. Be the best person and friend I can be, not let other people's judgement effect me and let other people be who they are without judging them.  

Kind of that whole thing of - "What your opinion is of me is none of my business as long as I am happy with my opinion of myself."