7/21/28 10th Group Mtg, 3rd Ind Mtg, Relapse Drift and ACT

Yesterday, I was at Kaiser for 4 hours! Geez!  The group part went pretty well.  I felt better than I had on Wednesday, shared more and was less irritable. 

We talked about Relapse Drift which is so relevant to me.  I quit for weeks and then slowly drift back into my drinking. They compared this to a boat that is only held to the shore with an anchor slowly being pulled out to sea.  The drifting can be so slow that you don't even noticing it happening.

Relapse does not happen suddenly. It does not happen without warning.  This is a new concept for me as I, as I have said earlier, have taken a passive approach to recovery in the past. Just kind of giving myself permission to be lazy, not work out, eat poorly...at least I wasn't drinking and I deserved it. 

The difference with this approach is that I need to have "mooring lines" that keep me firmly connected to the shore (sobriety) and keep me from drifting.  These things need to be specific and measurable behaviors (not attitudes such as staying positive as they are hard to measure) that help keep me sober. My mooring lines would be working out 4 times a week, doing yoga 3 times per week, meditating 4 times per week, blogging at least once a week, going to a meeting once a week, going to bed on time 6 times per week, reading before bed 5 times per week (instead of internet browsing), watching no more than 2 hours of tv per day, walking my dogs 3 times per week, eating healthy 6 days per week, drinking enough water 7 days per week. These activities keep me mentally strong so that if I do get a craving or are triggered I am better equipped to deal with it. Again, I need to be actively working on my sobriety.

Not only do they keep me strong but they are measurable. Once a week complete a checklist. How many of these did I do? Am I starting to slip? Am I starting to watch too much tv again, not working out, eating junk food, not blogging, etc? If so, it could predict a possible relapse - that my addictive brain is starting to (may subconsciously) work on weakening my strength. Then the relapse justification voice starts whispering in my ear for a while until finally I am triggered by something and have a full on panic attack craving. In my mentally weakened state (from not taking care of myself) I give in. I don;t have to be perfect about every mooring line throughout the week, but need to try to do the things I need to do and regularly take stock to see if I am slipping.

It is a new concept for me to think that relapses are predictable based on observable behaviors.  In the past I just haven't looked at that way.  I just plug along, being passive, only feeling like I need to fight for my sobriety when I am triggered or have a craving. I now know there are things I can do before to keep me strong and ways to recognize my addiction starting to get stronger.

In my individual apt, we talked about two things. I asked if my obsession (blogging, reading, researching) could be keeping me from getting mentally stronger-keeping me in the swamp so to speak. We talked for a while until she got out of me that when I am actively drinking, I do not blog very much bc I just don't want to think about it or look at it. She suggested I keep blogging, then, but try to change the tone. Instead of it being a self deprecating, analyzation of the past, struggling posts, I write about goals, new learning and the positives of forward progress.  I think that is good advice.

We also talked about ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) which is a version of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). I need to do a lot more research on this as I hadn't heard of it before, but it is something about - instead of inherently looking at your thoughts as "wrong" and trying to change them - accepting the way your brain works and working within it to be more positive. I may be totally off, but she said it seems to be a more accepting, compassionate, loving way to deal with yourself. This will be my next research topic lol!  It sounds pretty interesting.

From Wikipedia:

The objective of ACT is not elimination of difficult feelings; rather, it is to be present with what life brings us and to "move toward valued behavior".^[6] Acceptance and commitment therapy invites people to open up to unpleasant feelings, and learn not to overreact to them, and not avoid situations where they are invoked. Its therapeutic effect is a positive spiral where feeling better leads to a better understanding of the truth.^[7] In ACT, 'truth' is measured through the concept of 'workability', or what works to take another step toward what matters (e.g. values, meaning).