Monday I went to my group appt. It was fine. There was one guy there who was super annoying. He was new and tried to dominate the conversation like he was an expert saying things like, "It's all about self awareness. You have to be ready to do it for yourself. You have to find reasons to stay sober." He just kept talking to the group like he was the therapist for like three hours. I could tell he has done this before. I just kept thinking to myself, "If you were such an expert, you wouldn't be sitting here with you third felony dui looking at 2-6 years in prison and making excuses that you weren't even that far over the limit." He seemed very much in denial. I kinda felt sorry for him. Anyway, my take away from that meeting was that I need to change my motivation for staying sober over time. My motivation has always been so I don't feel like shit in the mornings. The problem with that is that I forget how bad I felt and then rationalize drinking. I need to find positive reasons of why I want to stay sober like the fact that remaining sober allows me to be the person I want to be and fits in with my life goals and values.
Tuesday I went to an individual appt with a different therapist, and I really liked her. She paid attention to me, took some notes and said she would gather a few resources for my appt next week. She understood what my goals were and said she could help me with some strategies to remain sober. She talked a little about some CBT stuff like being an outside observer of your thoughts when you start rationalizing drinking. That you don't have to act on those thoughts and by analyzing them, you can figure out why they might be happening so you can be proactive in keeping them at bay.
Yesterday I went to a party next door for the 4th. It was actually pretty small and other than two people, most weren't drinking that much. If I was drinking, I probably wouldn't have even noticed that most people weren't drinking that much. I would have been tying one on and assuming everyone else was as well. I would have been singing karaoke, thinking I was a really good singer, and woken up today embarrassed and super down on myself. I had my seltzer water and didn't try to hide it. The host asked if I wanted anything else to drink. I said, "No, I'm fine but thanks" and that was that. I had a couple of conversations with some people, but mostly was kinda bored. I never had an urge to drink, just wished I wasn't so bored. I'll need to watch that feeling bc it has caused me to drink in the past. I came home and played Monopoly with my son and nephew. Oh well, at least I didn't isolate at home and I feel good today.
Keep on keepin on...
Your post makes me so happy! As I've noted before, some of your earlier posts have been painful for me to read because though sober for more than a year, I can still recall that horrible mental cycle that never stopped until I stopped completely. Your anguish was palpable and your posts took me back there. It's wonderful to see you overcoming alcohol's pull. : )
ReplyDeleteMelissa
Thank you, Melissa. I'm am really trying this time - putting in the work and trusting someone else may have the answers
DeleteThat’s great. Eventually I realized I wasn’t bored, but I was no longer interested in doing the same things I used to do.
ReplyDeleteSo I plan my weekends around 5hings I like, and I read and watch Netflix when I have no pressing demands. It’s actually nice to be ok with doing nothing. The pressure is gone.
It’s actually amazing to see how little other people drink. Over time I realized that is really the difference between me and them. I always wanted more once I started. And once I did I don’t really notice. Or care who else was drinking. It was all about me.
Now that was an eye opener. But that’s also the selfishness of addiction. It can’t bear the thought of being called out, so it doesn’t notice.
Keep at it. Keep writing. Keep noticing. Find the messages that help you. This is a huge step. You have put the shovel down!
Anne
I have stopped digging, Anne. Now I am trying to climb out and live in the sun like you happy, sober people do :)
DeleteGood thoughts!
ReplyDeleteJust as Anne said, I never sa w the people who didn’t drink that much. Now I see many people do.
I just don’t go to parties very often, because they aren’t that fun.
We are having a bowling Birthday party for Hubs and I this summer, so we don’t just have to sit around all night!
I like it.
xo
Wendy
It does seem better to have something to do than just stand around and watch other people drink
Delete"my take away from that meeting was that I need to change my motivation for staying sober over time" Now THAT sounds like self awareness- Good on you!
ReplyDeleteThanks :)
Delete