Yesterday was my 6th group meeting. I am learning that there are "addictive behaviors" that everyone has and that those behaviors will start to show up before the relapse. If I learn what those are, pay attention to them and reach out for help when they start happening, it can help me to break the cycle.
We talked about the relapse voice. What do we hear in our head before we actually choose to drink again. I know my relapse voice will say. "You aren't that bad. You never were really that bad. You never had a DUI, lost a job, ruined a relationship, drank in the morning, got the shakes, etc. You just thought you were that bad. It was your latest obsession. Now that you are doing all of this mental health work and getting better in that area, you could probably moderate. It was never really about the alcohol. It was more about not being mentally strong enough to control it. You are now much more mentally strong and could control your alcohol intake, drink with everyone else again and be happy." Man, that give me anxiety even to type it, but I know that is how I would rationalize drinking.
We talked about imagining the angel and devil on your shoulders. That is the devil, my addiction, speaking to me and it will win unless I have an alternate dialogue to shut it down. My "angel" needs to respond with, "You are right. You never did get a DUI, lost a job, ruined a relationship, drank in the morning, got the shakes, etc. and who knows if those things would have ever happened. Chances are you would end up with one of those but who knows. The reality is that you were not happy when drinking. Sure in the moment, while drinking, you felt less inhibition, more social, fun and had lower stress and anxiety. But what you give up is not worth it. You give up your ability to feel true happiness and joy in everyday things. You will be right back to obsessing with when, with whom and how much you are drinking. You have proof that you can't control it - 7 years of blogging proof. 7 years of agony and self hatred and disappointment and mental obsession and fighting and trying and anxiety and exhaustion and heart palpitations and insomnia. You are so much more patient, kind, tolerant, calm, accommodating, self confident and able to take care of yourself when not on the hamster wheel. What you gain by drinking for those 4-6 hours, is not worth everything else you mentally give up for the other 162 hours of the week. You can do this! You can be strong and say no to this addicted voice that doesn't care about your long term happiness, only the in the moment gratification. You can be a light in this alcohol soaked world that shows people there is a different way to live - that you can be sober and happy - that you don't need a drug to be happy. You can make your family proud! You can make yourself proud! You are a strong woman who can beat this - just don't drink today. Love yourself enough to deny yourself the things that you may want but know are bad for you. You feel so much better and are a better version of yourself when you are sober."
This is the power of step one. Admitting we are powerless over alcohol and that it makes life unmanageable.
ReplyDeleteOnce we agree to that the only solution is to not drink and take our power back. Along with our life.
The devil gets no air time. The decision has been made.
Great job continuing this work. And sharing your journey.
Anne
I hear what you are saying. Everyone talks about being powerless. I can't decide if I like the word powerless. I suppose I am powerless over trying to moderate but I have be powerful enough over it to be able to tell it no. How do you look at it?
DeleteBy choosing not to drink I have all my power.
ReplyDeleteWhen I do drink I give it up. Because too many times I drank more than I swore I would. That feeling of lying to myself, and the compulsion that came to have another drink, is what I know was powerlessness.
I am no longer powerless unless I choose to be. But I have to make that choice not to drink every time.
Does that make any sense?
I have power when I don't drink. I give up that power when I do, because I have no control over it anymore.
ReplyDeleteI have power to connect with people, give to myself and other people, when I don't drink.
I have so much power now. When I was drinking, I gave that power away to alcohol.
I am reading a book called the Woman's Way and the 12 Steps, which I really like because it addresses issues like this that woman struggle with.
xo
Wendy
I like that too. The workbook is worth doing.
Delete