7/24/18 11th Group Mtg and Internal Triggers

Yesterday at the group meeting, we not only learned about internal trippers, but I experienced one first hand. I know that my two biggest internal triggers are anxiety (especially in social or family situations where I don't feel comfortable/feel worried) and excitement/happiness. I use alcohol to make my happy "it's Friday, the sun is out, I have worked hard all week" mood even happier. It escalates my good feelings.  I suppose it also relaxes my brain as well in both situations.  I am still trying to figure out how to deal with the social anxiety that comes from feeling uncomfortable.  I think that I may use alcohol bc I detest feeling uncomfortable. Being around conflict (family) or awkward silences/being inpatient in conversations/not feeling heard in social situations makes me uncomfortable.  I guess I need to learn how to deal with that feeling without the aid of a drug. Maybe growth comes from feeling uncomfortable.

In terms of escalating the happy/excited feelings - that one is hard for me. I think I am just going to have to come to terms with the fact that I won't have the "high highs" that come from drug use, but I have to remember that those "high highs", no matter how fun they are, are not worth the devastating "low lows" I ALWAYS end up getting to when drinking. Maybe a peaceful, more stable mood all the time is preferable to the roller coaster ride of addiction.

The third internal trigger that caught me by surprise yesterday was irritation. These two guys are just so incredibly annoying in group. I know I am not the only one that feels that way and it is making me not want to go. The 5 dui guy just keeps giving everyone else advice about what they need to do and the quieter older guy just talks about himself, his wife, his past musician life style, his 10 years of sobriety, his relapse, where he is now. Between these two, there is only about 20% of the time for the rest of us to talk. They even got into it a little yesterday, one of them calling the other "Dr. Phil." The therapist, my least favorite of the three, just lets it go on and on. I think she is just looking for the time to pass. When I left, I had feelings of "this is stupid and a complete waste of time. I am so over all of this. Thank goodness I only have one more meeting".  Then I noticed, from that negative space, my mind immediately jumped to "I wasn't ever that bad. What am I even doing here? This is stupid. I am sure I am fine and can moderate.  ALL of these people are way worse than me."

Maybe I should make an appt with my therapist to talk about how to deal with feeling uncomfortable bc all of these were examples of that I am even getting anxious writing about it.