7/17/18 8th Group Meeting and Signs of Relapse

I was very disenchanted over the weekend. Sooo tired and unmotivated. No pink cloud. Not sleeping very well. Not getting anything done. Watching way too much tv. Super lazy. Eating junk food. Wondering why I am spending all this time at group and individual therapy. Kind of over the whole group think - listening to everyone else's stories. Was I really bad enough to be spending my whole July doing this again? This is the third summer I have wasted obsessing about alcohol. Questioning if I should stop taking the Zoloft bc it is making me feel weird. Maybe I never needed it in the first place. Nervous about my upcoming sober vacation. Nervous about my new job...elementary teacher for 20 years - moving to a middle school math position. Just kind of being down in the dumps about everything.

I did force myself to go to the meeting yesterday. I was not in a good place for the first half - just getting irritated and impatient with all of the other people there and all of their "needing to be heard". It was being facilitated by my least favorite therapist of the three.  After break, however, we talked about signs of relapse and I did learn something new.

In the past I have just tried to ignore any kind of triggers or thoughts about drinking. Just tried to push them out of my head. I tried to ignore them but they would always lead to an irresistible craving that many times I would give in to. The cycle of addiction is "trigger....thoughts .....craving.....relapse". I have always waited to jump in and fight at the craving stage which is ridiculously difficult. When I am having a full on anxiety attack, sweating, heart racing and brain saying "hurry up - just go get a beer - hurry up before you change your mind - hurry - you will be fine", it is so very hard to resist. It isn't even rational thinking at that point. It is the survival mid section of my brain (we learned this in group) overriding my frontal cortex (the rational part) telling me drinking is a survival skill. That is an addicted brain.

I learned that I need to be more proactive during the trigger and thought stage so that it never comes to the craving stage. There are behaviors (not going to group, not blogging, being lazy, not working out, eating poorly, getting irritable, shopping too much, letting my house get dirty, not getting chores done, isolating, not communicating) that start leading to the thought stage (relapse justification - was I ever that bad?, this is stupid, I feel bad anyway so what's the point,  I am sure I could moderate if I just tried harder, I don't want to never drink again, I want to hang out with my friends and fit in, one more hangover and I will be done forever, what am I going to do on vacation or with this new job and all these new people who go out on Fridays after work, maybe now isn't a good time to quit).

Right now I absolutely do not want to drink but I am possibly finding myself in the behavior part of relapse...maybe or maybe not...but I need to address it so it doesn't lead me further down the road to relapse. I need to be proactive.  I need to go to group, blog, work out, eat healthy, get off the couch and get something done, take my medication, feel productive and get out of my own head. If I do get to the thought stage of relapse, I need to use techniques such as visualization, meditation, the "angel on my shoulder" voice, read my letter to myself about all the reason I don't want to drink. If I ever get to the craving stage, I need to learn techniques like distraction and deep breathing to just be able to wait them out. They do pass.

My dh husband asked me last night if I will always need to go to group. He is not addicted so thinks I can just be cured. I told him that I am learning that I need to fight for my sobriety. I can't be passive about it and then be reactive when I get a craving. I need to learn all I can and keep getting support from like minded people. I can't just stop working at it bc I have been sober for a month or 6 months or a year. The addiction never goes away. It's always there...waiting silently...ready to pounce at any sign of weakness...waiting for me to let it get to the craving stage bc that is when it is strongest and I am weakest.  If sobriety is important to me, I need to be proactive and not passive in my recovery. This is a new approach for me and I am ready to work for it.