Drinking has such a profound effect on my ability to accomplish anything in life. I'm not talking about a bottle of wine on a Saturday. Of course that has an impact with the hangover, anxiety, regret. etc. But even 2 beers on a Friday night now has the power to keep me in this funk. I feel like I am mentally stuck in this place between wanting to drink and not wanting to drink. I think it is called mental discord when you know what the right choice is, but you keep choosing the wrong one. I think my biggest reason for wanting to drink is to be included and have fun. Right after I type that, I think that isn't actually true. If that is the case, why did I sneak a beer last Thursday, all by myself, sit on the couch so I could see my husband pull up and then dump it real quick before he "caught" me? He, honestly, wouldn't care, but I didn't want him to know. Most of the time I drink to have fun, hang out with friends and feel included, be part of the group. But that time was not to have fun or feel included. That time, as with many others, was by myself just because I was craving it. I have developed an addiction caused by the many years of putting an addictive drug in my body. It is a scientific fact, not something I can debate with myself. I have created this addiction that can not be undone. It may not be may fault, I may be predisposed to addiction. It might be my fault. Who knows? Who cares? It doesn't really matter. What is done is done. I am pickled and I can't go back to drinking like I used to. It would be like reversing my age or undoing menopause...impossible.
Maybe I tell myself my reason for continuing to drink is to have fun and be included, when in reality I am just addicted and craving my drug of choice. It is my addicted brain using all the tricks to get me to drink. I am not going to lie, I really don't believe all of you who say it is "fun" to be sober. I'm sure it is a better life with less anxiety, depression, insomnia....but more "fun". I seriously doubt it. I think I really believe that, so my brain uses it to get me to drink...to satisfy it's addiction to a drug.
All these years of being stuck and struggling have just wasted so much time and energy. I know that if I continue the same pattern, nothing changes. I have to take a leap of faith, try hard and see if this "joyous" sobriety is really possible. I have to get through this spring and summer without drinking. I have to do it differently this year. I need to get some stuff done!
Hi! Mental discord is right. It can make you feel crazy. I’ve had days where I have been driving around running errands fully set on going AF that evening and then the addicted half of my brain (or 80 percent of brain) kicks on. It’s starts as a small niggling thought then it’s this huge internal debate about stopping for a bottle . Feels like a split personality !! All in my own head! Talk about waste of time. The bad guy always won btw but now I’m on day 8 or so of clean and it feels great. Not feeling super confident just taking it one day at a time. The sleep at night and the lack of regret and anxiety is a high in itself. Keep blogging! I like your blog , I can relate.
ReplyDeleteI never believe anyone either.
ReplyDeleteBut go back and read your blog from the times you had some sober weeks. You sounds happier, more enthusiastic and more upbeat.
Believe yourself.
It is addictions telling you those things. No one is included in anything because they drink. That is a complete lie.
Sneaking alcohol is a scary thing. That’s how peop,e end up drinking and driving. Consider it a huge red flag.
Have you listened to the bubble hour? You might hear some similar stories to yours.
Take the leap, call and get the help. Don’t let addition rob you of anymore time.
Anne
Hi gal, so glad to see you back at mmabsers. I think it comes down to asking yourself how much more time do you want to waste in discord. Make the choice and stick with it, through thick and thin. Kinda like a marriage, there will be good times and bad but you decide you're better off weathering the bad with the choice you've made.
ReplyDeleteWe haven’t heard from you for several days. Are you OK? Sending good thoughts. My one year is tomorrow. Sober life really is so freeing and peaceful. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteYou have checked out from blogging, Girlfriend. So, shall we all move on?
ReplyDeleteThis resonates so much with me.
ReplyDelete