First of all - I understand it is ridiculous I am posting this and I understand that I have been fighting this for too long and I understand that life can be better sober and I understand that maybe I should get some outside help. I am just posting to be accountable to myself.
Coming clean...I am so embarrassed to admit that I drank again last night. 4.5 drinks total and feel like garbage today. I had been thinking about drinking all day yesterday - really all last week. I had a beer while making dinner (certainly not a special occasion) then another and another. When I got my fourth, I asked myself, "Do you really want to drink that? You know you will feel crappy tomorrow if you do. No. I do not." So I got up and dumped it out. Then I started to panic that I didn't have anything else to drink so I got another one and drank it. 3 of the 4.5 were hard seltzers so I was sneaking bc they look like water. I think my husband thought I only drank 1. I'm going to throw the rest away.
I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND ANOTHER SPRING/SUMMER FIGHTING MYSELF!!!!!!
Choice A: What do I lose by not drinking:
Choice B: What do I gain by not drinking:
A. Not getting excited for the weekend because I can't drink and have fun
B. Getting excited for sleeping well, feeling good, getting in shape, being productive.
B. Learning how to have fun without a drug.
A. Not looking forward to vacations and worrying about not drinking.
B. Looking forward to a relaxing, fully present vacation.
B. Learning how to have a nice vacation without the use of a drug.
A. Not feeling comfortable in all social situations.
B. Being 100% present in all social situations and not embarrassing myself.
B. Learning how to enjoy social situations without a drug.
A. Worrying about what other people (especially my new colleagues) will think.
B. Not caring about what other people think.
B. Being a role model in terms of being able to socialize and have fun without a drug.
A. FOMO - worried I won't get invited places and life will be boring
B. Realizing a boring sober life is better than living with the obsession that comes with addiction.
B Learning how to make life fun without a drug.
Sometimes I just want to stop worrying about it, writing about it, reading about it, obsessing about it. I am just so sick of it. What I am learning now is that if I stop thinking about it, I drink. That attitude always helps me rationalize drinking. I know that worrying and writing and reading helps me to stay sober. Hopefully, if I worry and obsess and write and read and STAY SOBER for long enough, eventually I won't need to obsess and write and read and think about it constantly. I know that if I push it all down, I will continue my weekend drinking which only exacerbates the worrying and obsessing and writing and reading.
Lastly, I am not proud of myself when I drink. As much as I tell myself, that I am fine and can handle it, there is a part of me that feels ashamed because I do know I have a problem and I am addicted and am continuing to use my drug of choice despite it making me sick. I am causing my own sickness.
Maybe I will find a SMART meeting group in my area. I am not giving up!
I totally understand why you sometimes want to stop writing about it. I'm sure it can be mentally exhausting. You acknowledge that writing about it helps you stay sober. Please know that it helps your readers also - it's the power of "me too".
ReplyDeleteThanks...I sure don;t know how I am helping anyone else when I can't even help myself..
DeleteI've been waiting for you to show up again. Glad you are back! Where are Anne and Wendy?
ReplyDeleteI’m here!
DeleteAnne
Thanks....Wendy and Anne are always here...thank goodness
DeleteHug
ReplyDeleteIt’s hard.
Many people live their lives as you do. Tired, disappointed, but still feeling like drinking gives them fun and escape.
If you want that, that’s completely ok. It’s your life.
If you don’t, it will take help and effort. You were doing well, but, alone, it’s tough. The joy of sobriety is misssed.
If you drank 4 drinks no one believes you drank 1. They might not call you on it, but I can definitely tell when someone has had more than one drink. And even that one changes a personae demeanour.
Keep blogging. We will keep supporting you.
Anne
You are spot on.... Tired, disappointed, but still feeling like drinking gives them fun and escape.
DeleteI don’t know if you sent back to read the responses from the other day, when you asked why you still drink when you don’t want to.
ReplyDeleteI think you might hear some truth.
Not being proud of myself is something I relate to. I was just so disappointed in myself every weekend for so long. And sad I was disappointing my kids, who were quite young, but still needed me to be more present.
That disappointment was held in check by my be high functioning. I was a professional, I had a good job, nice house, I was super fit and looked good.
But it was all a facade.
I wish you could get enough time sober to see how much better your life could be. How much more fun and content and real. Fo you. Not for your kids.
You deserve smart or suck it up and go to AA. It’s a starting place for many. You will find yourself there.
I truly want the best for you. I have to be honest. All these years of waffling is unhealthy and it must be very tiring. My heart breaks for you.
Anne
I absolutely know that you are right...I need some time sober to really enjoy the benefits. Maybe this time... and I know that you want the best for me and really do appreciate all the support you have given me all these years.
DeleteI read your blog and have done for a long time. Something that sticks out is that you’re miserable drinking and miserable not drinking. Maybe it’s not just the booze xxx claire
ReplyDeleteMaybe you are right, but I feel a lot better when I don't drink. Hard to say...chicken or egg
DeleteI don’t think a person can deal with depression while still in active addiction.
DeleteAlcohol is a depressant. It creates anxiety. It makes a person physically ill.
For me, it turned out depression remained without the alcohol and I needed to work on that. Had I tried while drinking ok don’t think I would have ever been successful.
Hi guys! I’m not saying the alcohol is or isn’t causative or contributing to depression/anxiet/mental health. What is true as Ann said, is that you won’t be able to see the forrest for trees while you’re drinking regarding your mental health. Alcohol causes depression and anxiety, also people use it to SELF TREAT anxiety and depression. Quit for long enough you can see what is you and what is the booze (it’s actually really liberating and life affirming) I read all the time from you these lists, as if you can apply sensible logic to outthink cravings. I read your struggle ‘why am I craving this drug that makes me miserable’ But cravings, anxiety, depression don’t happen at the ‘thinking’ level, you can’t outthink a craving. Like you can’t outthink depression. Cheers Claire
ReplyDeleteTotally agree.
DeleteSomeone once told me that I can’t out think a problem with my thinking.
It now makes perfect sense.
I always want logic to prevail. But I couldn’t be logical and drinking. I tried hard! Lol
I like that...I can't outthink my thinking...
Delete