4/20/18 (Fri) - More reasons to not drink this weekend

Yesterday I went to a meeting at my new school.  I just didn't feel like myself. I felt a little hyper, maybe a little too talkative (because I was a bit nervous) and just a little weird. I felt a bit manic. I was pretty revved up most of the time and really had a hard time focusing on what was being said, just really hyper in my brain. I woke up at 2:30 this morning and felt extreme anxiety about any impressions I might have left with these new teammates.  I didn't feel this way yesterday, but I had very similar feelings to what I have after an embarrassing night of drinking.  Of course I couldn't go back to sleep so I got up and am writing.

This really did help my resolve to not drink this weekend for two reasons. 

1.  I know that my drinking over the last month has again increased my general anxiety.  I am sure I was fine yesterday and did not embarrass myself. I am just having heightened anxiety because I am once again in the grips of this cycle of either drinking on the weekends (Fri/Sat), recovering from drinking/deciding not to drink (Sun/ Mon), not sure what I should do (Tues/Wed) or convincing myself to drink (Thurs/Fri/Sat).  I have been here many times and I know if I continue convincing myself to drink on the weekends (not mater how little) nothing will get better. I also know that after an extended period of sobriety, my brain seems to calm down. It stops frantically looking around, being distracted, worrying about everything, being hyper sensitive, cycling through manic stages and being obsessed.  I know, with 100% certainty, that alcohol is not good for my brain/mental state - even if is is only 2 beers on a Saturday - it is not good for me.

2.  Being that all of these people are new colleagues, I have the opportunity to establish a "new" me in terms of I don't drink and still have fun. None of these people already know me in that way so I don't need to fight against anyone's idea of who I am because of the past. I don't have to give reasons why I used to be the life of the party and now I don't drink.  They don't know me in that way so it is a great time for a fresh start.  I also don't ever have to go out with these people and then feel embarrassed the next morning for my behavior (dominating conversations/being loud/maybe even gossiping).  I can be in 100% in control of my behavior at all times and be fully present.

One thing that is super hard about that, though, is changing how I want other's to see me. I have always actually been proud of being the girl that people want to party with - always being included in the social plans, even having that bond of laughing the next Monday about how much fun we had staying out until 2:00 am drinking. (We never talk about the fact that I had totally ignored my family, drove when I shouldn't have, felt like complete garbage the next day, had to wrack my brain trying to remember if I did anything to embarrass myself - no, we never talk about that) Do I want to be seen as "Oh she doesn't drink? Why? Does she have a problem? Well, that's boring and weird"? I am having a hard time with this new image I guess, being totally honest, I am worried people won't like me. I won't be with the "popular " kids, I won't fit in, I will make others uncomfortable, I will be boring. It's so stupid to admit, but I have always been way to concerned with being liked and fitting in with the "popular kids". Even now at 50 years old I know that I change my behavior to fit in with these people.  Why do I do that? Why do I care? Sometimes I don't even really like who these people are but I will begin to act like them just to fit in and feel "cool". I also have a very bad case of FOMO. I am really not even sure of who I am anymore.

I was already trying to figure out how to go to dinner with my sister tonight so I could drink. My mind starts making plans, setting things into motion that will allow me to drink - almost on an unconscious level. I kind of know I am doing it, but don't want to admit that it is just so I can drink. I have always done this. I was always the party planner, the hostess,  the one who got all of the social activities started.  I think it was just my way of having an excuse to drink and having other drinkers around me - even better if they drank more than me. It also helped me feel liked and "popular". I surrounded myself with fellow drinkers and constantly created drinking events just so I could drink and not feel guilty. It was always just an excuse.

One last reason to not drink this weekend.  I ran across this article this morning:

Scientists Explain How Anxiety Can Cause Alzheimer's Disease

I know that drinking causes extreme anxiety in me.  I wonder if alcohol can also increase the chances of developing this disease  by causing anxiety.