Thursday, April 5, 2018

Is it possible? 4/5/18

Is it possible that I have felt like complete shit since last Saturday bc I only drank 6 beers the previous Sat, Sun and Mon? I have just been out of it since being back from vacation. I come home from work and just sit on the couch binge watching Netflix and eating a bunch of crap.  I thought I was just down in the dumps for some reason. Maybe a sugar/junk food hangover. It sure has felt like an extended week long hangover even though I never had more thatn 2 beers at a time and never really felt buzzed at all. Even last week on Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri I didn't feel bad. But as soon as I got back from vacation, I just took a downward spiral. Have kind of been in a dark place. Not wanting to do anything. Really kind of depressed. To the point that I have been fantasizing about just drinking this weekend. Just getting a bottle of wine, going over to my sister's house and drinking it with her....just getting a beer, sitting on the back porch with dh and drinking with him...just taking out neighbors out to dinner (for a favor they did for us), ordering a glass of wine and drinking it with them, just going to fa brewery with neighbors (which I haven't been able to do more months).  Like really just giving up. Trying to tell myself it is just my obsession that is causing the problem.  I feel crappy anyway this week, and it can't possibly be from those couple of beers a week ago (when I felt perfectly fine the days following) so maybe my depression isn't from the alcohol anyways. Maybe I just think it is. Maybe if I work out and eat well, the depression will get better and then I can still drink.

My dh said something at my sister's house last Sunday. We went over there for Easter dinner. I didn't drink (didn't even want to) and my sister said, "Tell me again why you aren't drinking." I told her because it makes me feel bad. She asked, "Just a couple of glasses of wine gives you a hangover?" I said, "It does make my stomach hurt and effects my sleep, but it is more than that. It makes me depressed and increases my anxiety." A comment my dh said has kind of been rolling around in my brain this week.  He said, "You just think it does." He really does mean well, and he supports me whether I want to drink or not. He usually prefers me not to bc he know how unhappy it makes me, but I also think he likes it when I drink with him, so he just usually doesn't say anything about it either way.  Maybe ii is his own justification for his drinking (not really that much but still every weekend). He needs to believe it is all in my head and that alcohol could not have that kind of profound effect on my mental state. He wasn't coming form a bad place when he said it, but it did stick with me. Maybe I am just being over dramatic about the whole thing. Those five little words are trying to convince me to drink this weekend.

I woke up this morning with a question. Is it possible I mentally feel crappy this week because of those 6 beers? Not just bc I think I do, not bc I am obsessing about it, but bc physically/mentally the alcohol put me back into that depressed state? Not bc I am mad at myself and upset I broke my sobriety, or having a hangover but bc alcohol really is poison to my body and sends me to a dark place - PHYSICALLY - like I am not just imagining it or making things seem worse than they are bc of my obsessive thoughts - but scientifically because it is physically, actually, scientifically, measurably neurologically altering my neurons - it's not my imagination? I'm not making it up? It is actually happening. I wish I could physically see the damage it causes. It would make it easier to believe.


  1. Have you considered going to a treatment centre? Outpatient treatment? I think you tried noloxone before...maybe try again?

    Booze can have heath impacts. It could also be mental health impacts. Both might seem invisible, but they are absolutely not.
    Because even if you feel drinking was a conscious choice, you have years of writing that indicated it is not what you want.
    Have you ever shown your blog to your husband? Maybe he would begin to understand the length and depth of your alcohol problem.
    There’s no easy solution except to quit drinking. Once you know you are addicted....emotionally and can’t un know. That’s the obsession. Denial is strong, but it’s a lie we tell ourselves.

    I’m so sorry this is so hard. Your posts had sounded so positive until the night of the school meet up.

    Find some support. You deserve relief and peace.

  2. So very very proud of you! Wow! You are moving forward, that’s for sure. 4 steps forward, 1 step back. I quit for a year and made the conscious decision to drink again. Well, that lasted about two months before I was right back to my old ways. I made the conscious decision to do it, no one and nothing to blame. Back to the sober life and loving it. So much easier.

    Have read your blog for years. I find it honest and raw. I identify with so much of it. Please, pick yourself up, brush yourself off and keep living the sober life.

    Oh...just my 2 cents...eating too many simple carbs effects my mood. I can become very down/depressed. Chemically, carbs and alcohol can effect my mood negatively. Maybe that’s what you’re experiencing? Keep moving forward friend. Brian.

  3. Only those with the inner turmoil and angst can appreciate and respect the inner turmoil and angst. Your sister and husband cannot. These people cannot be your litmus test.

  4. After not drinking for over 100 days I drank a fair amount one day and some up feeling really depressed. Granted I did not take my zolof that night so I am sure that had some effect.
    I've read your blog s lot and can't remember anything good about going back to drinking.
    I wish the best for you and hope that you continue on the sober path.
    I read some of your posts to keep me pointed in the right direction.
    Peace and strength to you.

  5. Yes, alcohol causes depression and anxiety, and also makes it worse.
    But I am with Anne. I really encourage you to find some real life support for yourself.

  6. Alcohol hijacks your brain. As soon as you take that first drink, you're back in the cycle of drinking and craving. I absolutely think reactivating that mental loop triggered your depression. It took me about two years alcohol-free before I felt like my brain was reset.

    I've been reading your blog for years, and I agree with Anne - adding something to your recovery regime is a good idea. AA, SMART recovery, an outpatient program - something to hold you accountable and give you other tools. You know you hate how drinking makes you feel - it runs through every one of your posts.

    My partner is an alcoholic and really struggled to maintain his sobriety in his first year. He relapsed a few times, and went into a major depression (he couldn't work, didn't eat, got really sick because he wasn't eating, etc). For him, AA wasn't enough - he needed rehab and medication before he was stable enough to work on his recovery and stay sober. Sometimes you need that extra support and accountability to make it stick.

  7. I don't have any words of wisdom for you on the chemistry of alcohol and your brain/body. I know personally that even if something is "in my head" but it makes me feel better to do or not do something than it is the right decision and I don't care if other people think it is just "in my head".
    It sounds like you are having a really tough go of things right now and I hope you find some peace with your path forward. Big hugs to you.

    1. Let Anne and Wendy know you are ok cuz you seem to be isolating. I know it's snowing but it won't be long until we can enjoy God's Country in all its spring splendor!