I am a 51 year old wife, teacher and mother of 2. I have a 21 year old son and a 25 year old daughter. New intro...I am sober and love it! It isn't always easy but it is always worth it!
Old intro...I am fighting this damn drug called alcohol. I have been a weekend binge drinker for 30 years. I binge 2-3 times a month on a Friday or Saturday, but alcohol kicks my butt every single day of my life. I am sick of it!
Sunday, April 8, 2018
4/8/18 - Can someone answer this question for me?
Why, when I don't even like the way I feel when drinking anymore (I am 100% sure I like the way I feel when sober better) and I hate the way I feel afterwards, do I still want to drink?
Because you are addicted to alcohol...have alcohol abuse disorder...are an alcoholic. The label is irrelevant.
The path to freedom is sobriety. Your suffering reminds me of mine. Denial kept me drinking much longer than I knew I should or that I wanted. But the thought of stopping was just too hard.
Thank you for asking the question. So brave. And thank you, Anne for answering it. Anne is right. Because this is such a struggle for you, and because you suffer so, you need radical help. You need to take radical action and surround yourself with sobriety support; people who can help you to train your brain to develop new pathways...pathways to sober solutions. This is a really big deal! XOXO
1) Maybe you like the way you feel while drinking better than the way you feel when you are desperately trying not to pick up that first drink. 2) All of us hate, and dismiss, the way we feel after drinking but that's just the price of admission, so to speak.
This cognitive dissonance is the misery of addiction. I don’t think it goes away completely until after a year or so of sobriety. You know from experience that it gets a lot better after a couple of months. Even a couple of weeks. But you have to be continuously sober or else the cycle starts up again with each drink. And I agree that you need support of some kind. My own husband doesn’t get it either so he’s unable to support me in the way that I need. And that’s ok. The support doesn’t have to come from him.
I feel like you are fighting acknowledging that you are addicted to alcohol. The people at AA? They are THE same as the people who get sober “alone”. They are not necessarily worse off or less of alcoholics. They are just people who admitted they had a problem and would go to any length to make it stop. This is what it is for so many people. You think for so long that you just really like to drink. You think because you can take a day off you are not addicted... but here it is. Addiction looks and feels like this. It is hard to stop even when it’s all you want. The people who get help aren’t worse off than you are, they just admitted enough was enough and life is too short to live like that. I don’t even go to AA anymore but it also took me a really long time to get sober because I was too proud to get help. It got uglyish before I was no longer too proud I just want to let you know my observations from this side of things now. It’s worth it! I used to feel exactly this way and now I want to cry when I remember that there are people who think the only way to enjoy life is with a drink in hand!
For years now I've heard you ask this same question over and over and it seems like you always get the same answer that Anne (and other responders) have given you: You're addicted to alcohol, and if you can't quit (and stay quit) on your own, you should get help.
I know there are some folks in this blogging community who have stopped drinking (and stayed stopped) with zero in-person support, but there are A LOT of other people who needed help to get and stay sober. I know you want to be one of the former, but you've been trying this for years--maybe that's not the path for you. Maybe you need some a recovery group or therapy or treatment. There's no shame in getting needed help. Any barriers you see to that constructed in your mind. It's your addiction that's letting you put pride and fear above getting well. I've been in AA meetings with teachers and school administrators and nurses and doctors and bankers and counselors etc... I'm sure the same thing goes for other support groups and treatment centers and therapists.
If you want things to BE different, you need to DO something different.
I'm pretty sure this whole comment is exactly the same thing I commented the last time I saw this same question on your blog, maybe even two other times. It's all starting to feel like that movie Groundhog Day except it's Groundhog Year and without Bill Murray (who is amazing!) LOL. (and yet not LOL. I just want SO MUCH for you to love yourself enough to do whatever you need to do to be sober and happy--even if that whatever includes doing something that makes you uncomfortable like getting help!!!)
Stepping off my soapbox now Lulu PS--I'm seven years sober, and I do still attend AA meetings--both because I think going keeps me a part of a loving recovery community which enriches my sobriety, and also so that I can be there for others who need help.
Because you are addicted to alcohol...have alcohol abuse disorder...are an alcoholic.
ReplyDeleteThe label is irrelevant.
The path to freedom is sobriety. Your suffering reminds me of mine. Denial kept me drinking much longer than I knew I should or that I wanted. But the thought of stopping was just too hard.
Find some help. Do it for you. You deserve it.
Thank you for asking the question. So brave. And thank you, Anne for answering it. Anne is right. Because this is such a struggle for you, and because you suffer so, you need radical help. You need to take radical action and surround yourself with sobriety support; people who can help you to train your brain to develop new pathways...pathways to sober solutions. This is a really big deal! XOXO
ReplyDelete1) Maybe you like the way you feel while drinking better than the way you feel when you are desperately trying not to pick up that first drink. 2) All of us hate, and dismiss, the way we feel after drinking but that's just the price of admission, so to speak.
ReplyDeleteThis cognitive dissonance is the misery of addiction. I don’t think it goes away completely until after a year or so of sobriety. You know from experience that it gets a lot better after a couple of months. Even a couple of weeks. But you have to be continuously sober or else the cycle starts up again with each drink. And I agree that you need support of some kind. My own husband doesn’t get it either so he’s unable to support me in the way that I need. And that’s ok. The support doesn’t have to come from him.
ReplyDeleteI feel like you are fighting acknowledging that you are addicted to alcohol. The people at AA? They are THE same as the people who get sober “alone”. They are not necessarily worse off or less of alcoholics. They are just people who admitted they had a problem and would go to any length to make it stop. This is what it is for so many people. You think for so long that you just really like to drink. You think because you can take a day off you are not addicted... but here it is. Addiction looks and feels like this. It is hard to stop even when it’s all you want. The people who get help aren’t worse off than you are, they just admitted enough was enough and life is too short to live like that. I don’t even go to AA anymore but it also took me a really long time to get sober because I was too proud to get help. It got uglyish before I was no longer too proud I just want to let you know my observations from this side of things now. It’s worth it! I used to feel exactly this way and now I want to cry when I remember that there are people who think the only way to enjoy life is with a drink in hand!
ReplyDeleteFor years now I've heard you ask this same question over and over and it seems like you always get the same answer that Anne (and other responders) have given you: You're addicted to alcohol, and if you can't quit (and stay quit) on your own, you should get help.
ReplyDeleteI know there are some folks in this blogging community who have stopped drinking (and stayed stopped) with zero in-person support, but there are A LOT of other people who needed help to get and stay sober. I know you want to be one of the former, but you've been trying this for years--maybe that's not the path for you. Maybe you need some a recovery group or therapy or treatment. There's no shame in getting needed help. Any barriers you see to that constructed in your mind. It's your addiction that's letting you put pride and fear above getting well. I've been in AA meetings with teachers and school administrators and nurses and doctors and bankers and counselors etc... I'm sure the same thing goes for other support groups and treatment centers and therapists.
If you want things to BE different, you need to DO something different.
I'm pretty sure this whole comment is exactly the same thing I commented the last time I saw this same question on your blog, maybe even two other times. It's all starting to feel like that movie Groundhog Day except it's Groundhog Year and without Bill Murray (who is amazing!) LOL. (and yet not LOL. I just want SO MUCH for you to love yourself enough to do whatever you need to do to be sober and happy--even if that whatever includes doing something that makes you uncomfortable like getting help!!!)
Stepping off my soapbox now
Lulu
PS--I'm seven years sober, and I do still attend AA meetings--both because I think going keeps me a part of a loving recovery community which enriches my sobriety, and also so that I can be there for others who need help.
I hope you are doing ok.
ReplyDelete