I have learned that I can not take my relationship with alcohol for granted. I can't just ignore it, stop working on it, pretend that I don't struggle with it. I am NOT like other people. I do have issues and I do need to be careful. I am not just making a big deal out of something...it is a big deal. I do need to count, delay, slow down, drink water and all that stuff that comes with paying attention. I learned there that if I don't do those things, if I pretend I don't have a problem, it becomes a very big problem.
I was never a daily drinker, and if I can keep my BAC down on Friday and Saturday nights, I will be fine. I will not take that for granted.
My journey is my journey and I need to do this to see if I can. I know it seems kinda stupid and if I fail (get a hangover) I will quit for good. I would rather be miserable in perm abs than miserable drinking. I know that now. As much as I struggled in perm abs, it was nothing compared to being miserable with a hangover.
I am writing this blog mostly for myself. It is a place for me to record my journey. I have maybe learned something in these 85 days of abs and maybe I can have a beer in the sun once in a while and not have it be such a big deal - I hope so with all of my heart. If I can't, then I can't and I will quit forever. I have never quit for an extended period of time and tried again coming from a positive, thoughtful place. I need to try this. I know some of you shake your heads and think I am being so stupid. Maybe I am, but this is my journey.
For those of you that still want to follow, I will keep you posted. So far I have only had one beer in 88 days.
I just got hit with some sad pangs this afternoon. Sad and sorry for myself that I couldn't go to dinner with friends and all get a bit boozed together. Coz that's what we used to do and it was fun! (Except for that time I came home and vomited). But the point is .. I got hit with the sadness today. It's that romantic memory that hit me, like your romantic idea of a 'beer in the sun'. Truth is, I liked getting boozed. But overall I was so unhappy being a boozer. So sober I am now living. And sometimes that means sad. But overall now so so so so much calmer and happier.
ReplyDeleteYep, we all have to be in charge of our own journey or else we never get to where we want to go, we only get to where everybody else wants to take us. I'm discovering I've been traveling on "buddy" miles my whole life, always along for the ride. It's about damn time I picked out my own destination.
ReplyDeleteHave a safe trip, k, and don't forget to drop a postcard and let us know where you are. And don't forget you can always come back and revisit places you've already been, you've got friends there.