Saturday, March 17, 2012

Happy St Patrick's Day

St Patricks' Day has never been much of a trigger for me.  I  am not Irish and it usually falls during the week anyway.  Absing during the week was never much of a problem until the last 2 years or so.  I had some cravings again last night.  I was driving through a cute little town we live next to (I had to run an errand).  Everyone was sitting outside at the various restaurants and taverns enjoying a "drink" in the sun on a Friday night.  THAT is a big trigger for me.  I am trying to not look at all those people with jealousy. I just look at them and think they are so lucky, to be able to do not have a be a normal drinker..I am still so desperately hanging on to that image...and  I don't know why.  Someone basically told me to stop whining the other day.  It really hurt my feelings because I just can't seem to help it.  I AM TRYING!!  I AM NOT DRINKING!!  That is hard enough right now.  I tried to tell myself that probably many of those people have their own drinking problems and that I am glad I wasn't starting that hamster wheel again and that many of them will wake up this morning feel just as defeated and hungover as I did for years.  I tell myself all of those things.  Now I just need to start believing them.

I am going to try really hard today to be grateful for the beautiful spring day and not starting it with a hangover.  To ENJOY being sober and not having to deal with all of the drama in my head that comes with drinking.  The first thing I need to do is get off the computer.  See ya .....

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