Wednesday, March 14, 2012

This is a post I wrote from December 23 - two days before I quit - I think I need to keep reminding myself how desperately badly I wanted this.

I am so sick of myself!

So I haven't posted in a while.  I decided I was getting too caught up in the thinking about the problem.  Obsessing about the latest obsession (my alcohol issues) was just making it worse.  I decided it just "play it by ear."  Let it be the way it used to be - no drinking during the week, moderate on the weekends (although that is kind of a joke bc I rarely moderated on the weekends).  I had a terrible week over Thanksgiving, swore it would be different, had a couple of really good weeks, and now have fallen off the deep end AGAIN!  For me that means not being able to go more than 4 days without drinking, some days (during the week) only drinking one or two, bingeing with 5-6 on the weekends and waking up with a HO. Since winter break started, I have had 3 bingeing nights, 3 days spent with a HO and only 2 days abstaining.   I think I have a problem.  I may be that dreaded A word and I may need help.  I just can't seem to get a handle on this alone.  My mind is going back to when I would wake up in the morning, trying to plan the next neighborhood get to together just so I could drink.  I am not the same as I used to be when I drink.  I think I might have really embarrassed myself last night at the party.  i don't think I said anything out of line, but anymore I just get so fricking loud.  Maybe I have always been, it just is annoying coming from a middle aged woman.  I know for a fact I embarrass my teenage children by telling stories about them.  This has got to stop!  I can't live like this anymore. I am broken, disgusted with myself, incredibly lonely in this self imposed prison of addiction (even though I am surrounded by people who love me) and just exhausted from it all!  I need help!  I am crying as I type - please don;t let anyone see...

1 comment:

  1. Oh my god I got such a fright I thought I was just reading about you drinking like this now!!! Phew. Good idea to look back, I might do that, although I started blogging on Day 1 of my sobriety. Just keep on, keep on, keep on, push through all this shit that is coming up, all this angst and introspection and roller coaster of emotions and events that will come and challenge you and .. and ... and .. just bloody life as we know it. Just keep on, keep on, keep on not drinking and things will smooth out slowly but surely. xxx