Sunday, March 4, 2012

My journey so far

Binge drinking on the weekends like I had for 20 years (since I was 20) SUCKED!  Actually the first 10 were fun, the last 10 - not so much. Sure, I had a fabulous time being the party planner, host, life of the party every Saturday and some Friday nights.  It was great fun for a long time.  Then things started to change.  I couldn't find my stop button (well truth be told, I could never find my stop button). I would promise myself only 3 and end up have 4-6-8, a hangover, and be in deep despair/depression every Sat/Sun.  Monday I would not drink...Tuesday I would not drink.. Wednesday I would not drink...Thursday I would start feeling anxious/nervous/excited for the weekend ... think about drinking but swear this weekend would be different...Friday I would maybe have a couple and be proud of myself.... Saturday - binge... EVERY SINGLE WEEK.  Then I  started to drink on Thursdays, or Sundays, or, God forbid, Tuesdays!  Who drinks on Tuesdays?  LOL ...  I looked for help. I was obsessed with alcohol.

Then I found MM.  I learned a lot.  I made a lot of improvements.  For me moderation also SUCKED! I could not do a 30 to save my life. I tried and tried and tried.  I counted and signed up for lists and posted and delayed and read the book.  I improved but it was so time consuming and exhausting.  My number looked better, but I still had the same pattern as above except I wasn't drinking during the week. I was still obsessed with alcohol.

Then I found mmabsers.  I quietly listened to how amazing absing was for a couple of months before I quit drinking on Christmas day 2011.  I had a hangover, ruined Christmas for myself and my family and had had enough.  I am 71 days sober ...  and abstaining also SUCKS much of the time.  Yes, it is amazing to not have hangovers, to feel really good about my choices, for once in my life be proud of myself, to have my family be proud of me, to finally be on the road to becoming the person I want to be... but ..... I will be completely honest here - I still want to drink ... I miss it so badly on the weekends... I cried to my dh the last two weekends because it just isn't fair.  Am I a better mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend? - yes.  Am I bored/depressed/anxious/confused? - on the weekends in the evenings - yes.  Am I still obsessed with alcohol? - YES!

My plan - I have NO IDEA!! I just know that for now I am not drinking, and I hope that everyday that I don't drink it will get easier.  I can not, will not, ever go back to where I was - of that I am certain.  We are all on different journeys - this is mine.
--
ksusier


"The future depends on what we do in the present."  Mahatma Gandhi

5 comments:

  1. k,
    I am going to Chichen Itza manana with DH and another couple. I know they will drink beer on the way, I know they will have drinks at cocktail hour, I know they will have wine for dinner and I know they will have nightcaps. I am envious of all that. I also know they will get drunk, I know they will repeat themselves over and over and get loud and obnoxious (they won't know this but I will), I know they will go to bed early instead of sitting out under the stars, I know they will be hungover the next morning when we actually go to see the ruins and I know they will not enjoy them as much as I will. I am not envious of all of that. It's a trade-off and while they are all drinking I will be feeling like I'm getting a raw deal but the next day I won't.

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  3. OMG- you are awesome, that was actually fun to read although it sounds like not a lot of fun it was accumulating those experiences. I TOO was hung over Christmas morning. I had 3 children at my house and my boyfriend. We stayed up late and I believe I started an argument well into my 3rd bottle of wine. Wrapping the lasts of the gifts and forgetting to put 'santa' on them. Effin disaster. I don't ever want to be there again, I was really disappointed in myself. In all reality, your type of drinking sounds a lot like my partners. We are very different drinkers, and our recovery is different to. Except, he is content and happy therefore doensn't feel the urge to drink- I do all the time still and I am 58 days today. Anyway, hopefully I figure out how to follow your blog here, I'm new and lost when it comes to this. Keep dry buddy!!!

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  4. Replies
    1. MM is a website called Moderation Management. It helps you try to moderate your drinking - kind of an online support group. They talk about lots of "tools" such as counting your drinks, delaying, absing 3-4 times a week, drinking water in between, sipping, etc. I did that for about 2 years. One of the strategies was to "do a 30" - don't drink for 30 days. I could not do it. I tried and tried and tried. I was/am a binge drinker on the weekends. The weekend abstaining was easy for me, it was being able to find a stop button on the weekends that was my problem. By Thursday I was feeling the pinch and by Friday I had caved. I am now on a spin off online support group called "mmabsers". They are a bunch of amazing people who love being sober. It helps me feel better most of the time.

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