Sunday, March 4, 2012
3/4/12 (Sun) My journey so far
Binge drinking on the weekends like I had for 20 years (since I was 20) SUCKED! Actually the first 10 were fun, the last 10 - not so much. Sure, I had a fabulous time being the party planner, host, life of the party every Saturday and some Friday nights. It was great fun for a long time. Then things started to change. I couldn't find my stop button (well truth be told, I could never find my stop button). I would promise myself only 3 and end up have 4-6-8, a hangover, and be in deep despair/depression every Sat/Sun. Monday I would not drink...Tuesday I would not drink.. Wednesday I would not drink...Thursday I would start feeling anxious/nervous/excited for the weekend ... think about drinking but swear this weekend would be different...Friday I would maybe have a couple and be proud of myself.... Saturday - binge... EVERY SINGLE WEEK. Then I started to drink on Thursdays, or Sundays, or, God forbid, Tuesdays! Who drinks on Tuesdays? LOL ... I looked for help. I was obsessed with alcohol.
Then I found MM. I learned a lot. I made a lot of improvements. For me moderation also SUCKED! I could not do a 30 to save my life. I tried and tried and tried. I counted and signed up for lists and posted and delayed and read the book. I improved but it was so time consuming and exhausting. My number looked better, but I still had the same pattern as above except I wasn't drinking during the week. I was still obsessed with alcohol.
"The future depends on what we do in the present." Mahatma Gandhi
Then I found mmabsers. I quietly listened to how amazing absing was for a couple of months before I quit drinking on Christmas day 2011. I had a hangover, ruined Christmas for myself and my family and had had enough. I am 71 days sober ... and abstaining also SUCKS much of the time. Yes, it is amazing to not have hangovers, to feel really good about my choices, for once in my life be proud of myself, to have my family be proud of me, to finally be on the road to becoming the person I want to be... but ..... I will be completely honest here - I still want to drink ... I miss it so badly on the weekends... I cried to my dh the last two weekends because it just isn't fair. Am I a better mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend? - yes. Am I bored/depressed/anxious/confused? - on the weekends in the evenings - yes. Am I still obsessed with alcohol? - YES!
My plan - I have NO IDEA!! I just know that for now I am not drinking, and I hope that everyday that I don't drink it will get easier. I can not, will not, ever go back to where I was - of that I am certain. We are all on different journeys - this is mine.--