Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Day 81 - Thinking...

I have been thinking  a lot about how I am choosing to live.  As I was walking my dog this evening in the much needed sunlight, I started thinking.  This life I have right now free from alcohol is what I have dreamed about for so long.  I used to imagine myself as the strong person who just says, "I don't drink."  I longed to wake up every weekend day with no hangover. I wanted so badly to be 100% available to my family without it all having to depend on if I was drinking.  This is what I wanted for myself.  This is who I so desperately wanted to be.

Well, I have done it for 81 days.  I am that person in every way except in my own head.  I just don't think I am appreciating things enough.  I used to wake up regretting how much I drank the night before.  I dreamed of waking up refreshed, hangover free, guilt free and happy.  Instead I am waking up thinking about how much fun I will not be having at whatever is going on that day.  Wondering how hard it is going to be and what I should do instead.

I read somewhere something about happiness not coming to you, but instead you create your own happiness.  I can't sit around and just wait for happiness to come, to finally turn that corner and be happy and feel amazing.  I think that day may never come if I don't change my perspective.  I know that drinking will not bring that, so what are my choices.  To drink and go back to where I was, to not drink and feel deprived, isolated, depressed and anxious or to drink and try to figure out how to be happy with that.

Like I mentioned in another post, when I decided I would wait at least 120 days (like that is some magic number) to try to moderate again, something shifted in my perspective.  I think I need to go back to,  "I don't drink." My mom, who has been extremely supportive and proud of me ( who was also married to my alcoholic father) said, "My hope for you would be that you could drink normally someday in the future."  That comment has me really confused and I think it kind of messed me up.  It almost felt like permission to try again.  My best friend and one of my sisters said something similar.  Why?  Why would they hope that for me? I don't know, but I liked the sound of it.  I think I need to ignore those comments and just get back to, "I don't drink."

The only person that tells me to never try again is my dh, and I think he is the only person that truly knows what it has done to me.  I am a very highly functioning person who used to binge drink on the weekends.  No one else saw the torment I put myself through every Saturday and Sunday mornings.

I am going to try to make this weekend different.  I am going to try to appreciate these last 81 days and all of the positive thing it has brought to my life.

1 comment:

  1. People don't get it. That simple. I went for an eyelash appointment with my girlfriend 2 weeks ago. We chatted and went for lunch. I found myself explaining (delicately) that I have a problem and can no longer drink. And she said "well, I am sure one day you can find a way to manage and drink again, don't worry" I shit you not, this is exactly what she said. No big deal really, she just doesn't understand right. Ya well a healthy seed was planted that day boy. The thoughts of "one day" and "maybe" swirled like an exciting vacation coming up. Pissed me off. She offered me a sip of her cocktail at lunch too, she just doesn't get it. Its not her fault - right? One or the other. I don't drink because I have an addiction that will kill my soul or I don't drink today. which is it