Sunday, March 11, 2012
My weekend aka the "fun" table
Just wanted to share my weekend. I think I previously shared that I would have really been looking forward to this weekend (lots of opportunities to drink in a group) in the past and I was just feeling a little blasé about the whole thing. Well this is how it went - just the honest truth.
Friday - I got in a huge fight with a sort of family member - something to do with our teenage kids and what they did and didn't do. I probably said more than I should have but everyone kept telling me it needed to be said, and I was the only one that would do it. On the up side - at least I know that alcohol did not play a part in what I said - even though I regretted some of it, it all came from a sober place. If I would have been drinking, it would have become way uglier and I would have felt extremely guilty the next morning. The interesting part was that when it was over, I was exhausted - emotionally, spiritually, even physically. If I would have been drinking, I would have been so revved up that I would have just kept drinking until I fell into bed. I don't think I would have experienced (maybe never have) that release. That was definitely a knew feeling and experience.
Saturday - day - We had a SUITE! at a 1:00 hockey game with free alcohol! Are you kidding me! A Suite! Free alcohol! People to drink with in the afternoon!! OMG!!! Overtime! Shoot out!! Win!!! Perfect! I was always sooooo jealous of those people as I was paying $6 for a beer and hoping no one noticed how many times I got up to get another one, trying not to spill even a precious drop on the way back to my seat. This would have been a major thing to look forward to! It was SOOOOOO hard! I had so much anxiety that one minute I felt like I wanted to drink (total rationalization, this would be the time I would try again, my family would have supported me trying bc they never really saw me as having much of a problem), the next minute feeling like I was for sure going to drink (I ALMOST caved!! You have no idea how close I was. That voice was screaming at me!), to the next minute just hiding in the corner, watching the game hoping the clock would just tick by faster so I could get out of there! It is giving me anxiety right now (I feel my heart racing) just typing this.
Saturday - night - My kids are at my sister's house - we are going to a bday party at a restaurant/brewery. Perfect! Drinking buddies! No kids! No regrets! Sun shining! Beautiful Saturday! Perfect! Instead I didn't really even want to go. I was exhausted from the hockey game and I didn't feel like fighting the fight again in the same day. I did not get as much anxiety at this event. I have been around these people since I quit, and I have one really good friend that totally supports me and sat with me. At this event I just felt a little sad. I really wanted to be at the "fun" table. They were drinking, laughing, throwing things (a little immature but who cares when you are drunk!) .... having a great time! I was very sad. I sat with friends I wouldn't normally be sitting with. They are very moderate drinkers, and we had an extremely nice conversation. This is something I would have woke up the next morning regretting not doing. I knew that and was overall glad I wasn't drinking but still felt the pull of that fun table.
I know that if I would have started drinking at the game, I would have eventually, all said and done, had at least 6. I can sit here and say I would have had 2 at the game and 2 at the party, but I know that would be a lie. I know how my brain works from when I quit smoking. If I would have opened up those flood gates, it would have been a drunk fest and I would have been a complete and utter mess this morning. Whew!!!! I did pray for strength last night, which is new for me. Who knows, maybe it helped.