Sunday, March 11, 2012

My weekend aka the "fun" table

Just wanted to share my weekend.  I think I previously shared that I would have really been looking forward to this weekend (lots of opportunities to drink in a group) in the past and I was just feeling a little blasé about the whole thing.  Well this is how it went - just the honest truth.

Friday - I got in a huge fight with a sort of family member - something to do with our teenage kids and what they did and didn't do.  I probably said more than I should have but everyone kept telling me it needed to be said, and I was the only one that would do it.  On the up side - at least I know that alcohol did not play a part in what I said - even though I regretted some of it, it all came from a sober place.  If I would have been drinking, it would have become way uglier and I would have felt extremely guilty the next morning.  The interesting part was that when it was over, I was exhausted - emotionally, spiritually, even physically.  If I would have been drinking, I would have been so revved up that I would have just kept drinking until I fell into bed.  I don't think I would have experienced (maybe never have) that release.  That was definitely a knew feeling and experience.

Saturday - day - We had a SUITE! at a 1:00 hockey game with free alcohol!  Are you kidding me!  A Suite!  Free alcohol! People to drink with in the afternoon!! OMG!!! Overtime!  Shoot out!!  Win!!! Perfect! I was always sooooo jealous of those people as I was paying $6 for a beer and hoping no one noticed how many times I got up to get another one, trying not to spill even a precious drop on the way back to my seat.  This would have been a major thing to look forward to!  It was SOOOOOO hard!  I had so much anxiety that one minute I felt like I wanted to drink (total rationalization, this would be the time I would try again, my family would have supported me trying bc they never really saw me as having much of a problem), the next minute feeling like I was for sure going to drink (I ALMOST caved!!  You have no idea how close I was.  That voice was screaming at me!), to the next minute just hiding in the corner, watching the game hoping the clock would just tick by faster so I could get out of there!  It is giving me anxiety right now (I feel my heart racing) just typing this. 

Saturday - night - My kids are at my sister's house - we are going to a bday party at a restaurant/brewery.  Perfect!  Drinking buddies!  No kids!  No regrets! Sun shining!  Beautiful Saturday!  Perfect! Instead I didn't really even want to go.  I was exhausted from the hockey game and I didn't feel like fighting the fight again in the same day.   I did not get as much anxiety at this event.  I have been around these people since I quit, and I have one really good friend that totally supports me and sat with me.  At this event I just felt a little sad.  I really wanted to be at the "fun" table.  They were drinking, laughing, throwing things (a little immature but who cares when you are drunk!) .... having a great time!  I was very sad.  I sat with friends I wouldn't normally be sitting with.  They are very moderate drinkers, and we had an extremely nice conversation.  This is something I would have woke up the next morning regretting not doing.  I knew that and was overall glad I wasn't drinking but still felt the pull of that fun table.  

I know that if I would have started drinking at the game, I would have eventually, all said and done, had at least 6.  I can sit here and say I would have had 2 at the game and 2 at the party, but I know that would be a lie.  I know how my brain works from when I quit smoking.  If I would have opened up those flood gates, it would have been a drunk fest and I would have been a complete and utter mess this morning.  Whew!!!!  I did pray for strength last night, which is new for me.  Who knows, maybe it helped.

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