Keeping true to my promise, I will post even though I don't want to. I have drank the last 2 weekends. This last Saturday I had my family over for dinner....if you have been following my blog for awhile you know these can be a little tricky to navigate. One of my sisters if still not talking to me and my other sister (for around a year and a half) for reasons that we are unaware of. She just got super pissed and shut everyone out. I have no idea (I swear I don't) what caused her to act this way. I suspect part of it is that we found out some things about her she didn't want anyone to know about and now it is easier for her to distance herself by shutting us out and making it our fault. I have spent my whole life, trying to make things right and keep tings together in this family - apologizing first, forgiving and forgetting, doing things for my mom to make things better, always taking the responsibility to make sure everyone is ok and not fighting. Not his time...I didn't do anything wrong this time. For once, it is going to need to be in my sister's hands to make this right. For once in our lives, she needs to call me and tell me she misses me and she wants me in her life and she is sorry for being such a bitch to my whole family. Just this once...
My mom can't handle it. First off, she has always favored my sister (the youngest of three girls). I don't think she loves her more but my sister sure as shit can get away with more because she has not ever been the doormat that I have been. My mom is used to it with her - walks around on eggshells, worried she will make her mad and shut her out as well. My sister's response has always bee, "I'm sorry you feel that way" when discussing a conflict. She never takes accountability for the part she plays. If you want her in your life, you have to be ok with that, or she just shuts you out. It is not a give and take relationship. My mom knows that and therefore treats her with kid gloves. My mom thinks she can say whatever she wants to me and I will not only take it, that I will feel guilty so that I will make thinks right with whoever is fighting at the time. And she is right. She guilt me into it because I feel bad for her. Not this time... For once in my life...not this time....
My sister's son got super sick and OMG! I knew that my sister and therefore my mother would use it as a excuse to try to make me look like a horrible person. My mom told both me and my daughter that none of of care out my nephew and that we have no family - as the rest of us are at my house to celebrate her birthday! This made my daughter cry and I lost it. Are you kidding me! I invite you over to celebrate you and you (not once, not twice, but three times) bring up how nobody cares about her or her feeling and that if my sister came over at least it would be the start to having a family! What are we? Nothing? Nobody? And don't you dare tell me I don't care about my nephew!!! How about my sister is too selfish to even call me so that her son has his family, who loves him, around!
I had not been drinking when this happened the first time. But I sure as shit did after that. She just stressed me out so much that my response was to grab a beer and another and another.
I am not sorry about what happened with my mother. For once in my life - I will stick up for myself, and I will not allow her or my sister to treat me or my family that way. I did nothing wrong and this is not mine to fix....go make someone else feel guilty!
What I do feel bad about is using alcohol to medicate myself during an extremely stressful afternoon and evening. And of course I paid the price with my own self induced guilt ridden, crappy feeling Sunday.
I just don;t know what will happen with my family and it is scary and sad but I do know I need to find a different way to deal with it.
The thing is, the only thing that happens when you drink because of resentment, is that you get hurt.
ReplyDeleteYour mom and sister won't care.
Nothing gets solved, fixed, or made different.
(I know you probably know this, but thought I'd remind you.)
You do need to care for yourself, and if that means you can't be around some family members, it may have to be that way. (My opinion)
xo
Wendy
Thanks Wendy. It is true the only one that I make miserable by drinking is me. It is just so hard for me to accept that everything in my family can't be the way I want it to be. I have tried for so long, but I think I might be the only one trying...
DeleteCodependency within families is a complicated thing.
ReplyDeleteThe only one who you can make do what you want is yourself. No tears, anger, kindness or bribery can make others act how you want.
I used to be the family peace keeper. I felt it was my job to ensure everyone got along.
It exhausted me and crushed me whenever things didn't go that way,
By taking control of my own mental health and sobriety and forming my boundaries to support myself I have needed that. To do so I have seriously limited my contact with my family.
It allowed me the space to remind myself. Not the me who put others needs first, but the me who acts out of compassion and self love.
It's worth considering.
Anne
Thanks, Anne. It is a new concept for me to distance myself from my family. I always thought if I tried hard enough I could force everyone into this perfect little family that I had constructed in my head. I have always felt guilty if I haven't tried to fix things.
ReplyDelete