5/14/17 (Sun) Mother's Day

I was going back in my posts to previous Mays.  I ran across one post in May 2012

Today is Saturday of Memorial Day weekend, traditionally a pretty heavy drinking weekend - warm weather, 3 day weekend, school is almost out - YEAH!!!  So last night I had one beer in the sun - the whole reason I chose to start drinking again.  It was nice, but I felt a little guilty bc one of my neighbors who knew I quit drinking saw me drinking.  We went inside and my neighbor, yes that neighbor, asked if I wanted a glass of wine.  I said, "Sure, why not."  I only had one but it was probably more than one bc she uses fish bowls for wine glasses.  Then dh was starving so we went to dinner and I had one more beer.  We called it an early evening at 10:30 and I came home.  Not an epic failure, I never really felt too drunk, but today I am completely wiped out!  I am starting to wonder if my body can handle any type of alcohol consumption at all any more.  That amount of alcohol in the past would not have even fazed me!

So, 5 years later I am still out of shape, struggling, wondering if I can drink normally, successfully moderate, or quit for good and still be happy. Alcohol, 5 years later, is still my #1 obsession.  I know now, without a doubt, my body does not like to have alcohol put in it. I guess I need to decide if I am going to spend the next 5 years doing the same thing.  I know in my heart that if I don't just quit drinking and see if it makes me happy, I will be in this same spot 5 years from now.  I know this without any doubt at all.  Even if I can control my drinking for awhile, I always end up drinking to much (which anymore is just like 5 drinks), having a hangover, beating myself up, allowing myself the next week to recover which means not working out or being motivated in any other area of my life.  And then just doing the same thing the next weekend. Even if I only have that 5 nighter once a month, it still affects me the other three weeks of the month - physical, mentally, emotionally. 

I really want, on this last Mother's Day of my 40s, to give myself a gift - the gift of sobriety - the gift of figuring out who I am and what I want without alcohol in my life. To be good to myself, to care about myself, to put myself first in this area, to cherish my own life, happiness and sense of peace. To be strong enough to be able to do this. To believe all of you who tell me it is better. To be able to weather the cravings and the social situations and the summer vacations and other's judgement and my own judgement and the drama and negativity and self doubt and sensitivity - all without alcohol making me feel terrible about myself.  I want to eat better, sleep better, work out, take care of myself and be truly happy inside my own self.  I want to be at peace inside my own brain. 

I want to wake up smiling and joyful and well rested and ready to take on the day.  I want to spend my days productive and positive and unselfish and joyful I want to end the day peaceful with the feeling of accomplishment and proud of myself and grateful.

The thing stopping me is fear - fear of failure, fear of difficulty, fear of struggle, fear of boredom, fear of judgement, fear of feeling left out, fear of not being happy without it, fear of being different, fear of making others feel uncomfortable, fear of having to deal with difficult family situations without it, fear of not being fun anymore, fear of vacations sucking, fear of not enjoying sitting in the sun in the spring on a Friday after work, fear of never looking forward to the weekend, fear of never having a nice glass of wine with dinner again, fear of never going to breweries with my friends again, fear of never having fun anymore, fear of never feeling that buzzed, relaxed, social, having fun feeling again, fear of the sadness of loss or it in my life, fear of failure.

I now I need to do this, I know I want to do this, to give myself this gift on Mother's day but I am so scared.........I am so scared to once again make that commitment that I know I will fail.  I always fail. I know deep down that I can do this I am just so scared to try, to give it a chance. It gives me anxiety to think about it.  

I guess it is up to me - spend the next five years the same as the last five or be brave and try something different.