Tuesday, May 23, 2017

5/22/17 (Mon) Dear addicted me

I really, really, really want to stay sober for 356 days. When those craving hit, I need to be able to ride them out and get through them.  When they hit, I am going to read this letter to myself to try to help ride them out.

Dear addicted me,

Remember how desperately badly you want to get off this roller coaster ride of alcohol induced high highs and alcohol caused low lows.  That will NEVER happen if you drink today.  If you drink today....nothing changes....nothing will EVER change. Even if you don't drink too much today and don't experience the debilitating suffering and self hate that comes with a hangover tomorrow, you will remain in your depressed, exhausted, anxious, obsessed, judgmental, oversensitive, grouchy, irritable, unmotivated, out of shape, overweight, loud, sarcastic, unhappy, disappointed. inpatient, stressed, selfish, trapped state of mind.

Remember you have tried and tried and tried and tried to control, manage, manipulate, rationalize, excuse, minimize, analyze your weekend binge drinking and you always, always, always eventually over do it. Maybe not today or next week but probably within the next month at most you will be right back where you were on May 21 (after drinking 15 drinks in 2 days) - on vacation, in bed, nauseous, stomach cramps, unable to get out of bed and enjoy your stay, your family, your trip - beating yourself up once again for your inability to control how much you drink. This is not the person you want to be.

Remember the quiet, calm, gentle, strong, rested, balanced, in shape, thin, confident, kind, peaceful, accepting, patient, nonjudgmental, flexible, happy person you know you can become. She is in there. Give her a chance.  It is time. Give it time. Give it 365 days. What can it hurt?

Remember the role model you want to be for your family. How you want to show them that you can do this and be happy. That there is another way to live and you found it. That you are strong enough to do this and live a happy, sober life. Remember the quiet, unassuming, non judgmental, beacon of light you want to be for all of our friends and family who drink too much. How you want to show them through example (not talking) that it is possible to find happiness without pouring alcohol down your throat.

Remember that you really, really, really want to be free from the mental, emotional, physical grip that this stupid drug has on you which will not happen if you drink today. Nothing will ever change if nothing changes.  If you drink today...nothing changes so nothing will change. You will never be able to control what alcohol does to your brain.

You can get through this day without drinking. The craving will pass.  Do something else - take a walk, read a book, eat something, watch stupid reality tv, take a nap, work out, anything besides drinking for the next 30 minutes.  It will pass - you know this - you quit drinking for 9 months and were a much happier version of yourself. You do not need alcohol to be happy. You do not need alcohol right in this moment to be happy. It is an illusion of happiness. It might relax you, make yo less uncomfortable around others, relieve your boredom, quiet those screaming voices in your head demanding alcohol...but it will not make you happy.

You deserve this...give it a chance...believe all of those people who keep reminding you that life is better without this stupid drug addiction.

It is time...it is my time to become the person you know you can be. Do this for yourself. Love yourself enough to do this for you...not for anyone else...for you. Give yourself this gift. Just be patient and give it a chance.

It is your choice...drink and remain in this miserable place or don't drink and try something different.  It is only your fault if you drink - not the month, the time of year, the ending of a school year, the day of the week, the vacation, the party,  the sun, the friends, the neighbors, the traditions, what others think or say or feel - it is up to you to choose to stay in this prison and only you can choose to free yourself from it.

Please, please,  please, please do not drink today,  You will feel so much better tomorrow. You can do this. You are strong enough, you are good enough, you deserve it.

Image result for you are worth it you can do this


  1. Great letter - good idea!! Best of luck.

  2. You do deserve it. Being sick and tired is no fun. The mental anguish is so distressing.

    It all comes down to acceptance and honesty, like you posted the other day.

    It has very little to do with being strong. It has everything to do with self preservation and kindness.

    Do it for you. Drop the denial. Stop believing the ahhh, the buzzz actually gets you anywhere. Freedom is available without the alcohol. You just need to give yourself time.


    1. It is interesting you say strong has nothing to do with it. Maybe that is were my mind need to shift. Instead of trying to power through and be strong, I need to surrender to the idea that I can't change who I am and that I need to love myself enough to not drink.

    2. This was my experience.
      It frustrated me that I could be so disciplined in my diet (at the time is was extremely low carb), with my fitness goals and so successful in my career and yet I could not figure out how to manipulate and control my drinking.

      At some point I conceded that this was my denial. I refused to believe that I was actually addicted. But I clearly was. I did things I didn't plan. I drank at inconvenient times and I always felt like shit.