Thursday, May 11, 2017

5/11/17 (Thurs) Emotional detachment

Thank you so much Anne and Wendy!!! I just looked up loving detachment and narcissistic parents. OMG! I feel like I am reading about my own life.  I am going to continue to look into this as it seems something that could be good for me. This could be my answer to dealing with both my sister and my mother who are exactly the same and have taken advantage of me for years.

Here are just two quotes I found that speak to me:

"the best way to deal with a dysfunctional parent is how you would deal with a neighbor's barking dog. First, put up a fence to keep it from trespassing and crapping on your property. This also keeps it from biting you. You might try being nice to it, but you choose how much energy to put into that before ignoring the dog becomes your best option. On the one hand, your mother built the bed you can now make her lie in. On the other hand, most dysfunctional people had their dysfunctions abused into them. Compassion for her is not unjustified, but martyrdom is. Give your mother the time, support and affection you can afford, and take control of how you react to how she reacts. Reward good behavior, ignore counterattack after protecting yourself. Find the tools to support yourself. Do your best and let that be good enough." 

"That was a turning point for me where I was able to disengage from her on an emotional basis. This is not the same as divorcing her but it protects you from being hurt because you can now love yourself and accept yourself. Disengaging emotionally from her means you no longer need her to love you. When you reach that point, dealing with her is so much easier. You will have to stand up for yourself, set boundaries and stick to it. I also hold her accountable for the things she says and does. She does not hurt me anymore because I have no emotional attachment, I only do what I have to do to provide for her care and see that she can be independent. It takes practice doing this but it works."


  1. I'm sorry it resonates with you...because it is a shitty thing.
    I have been working on this for 3 years and I can still get sucked into the emotional disaster!

    I need to always remind myself that my mother will never change. Only I can change my reactions. It was shocking how often I drank at it mostly makes me sad. But anger still exists too.

    More hugs. Knowledge gives you a starting point. Find a therapist who deals with this. It's useful to understand when blame is reasonable and when it's not.

  2. I had to learn how to detach with love from a friend who wants my constant attention and time.
    It is hard.
    I still love her, but I speak up for myself more, and I know what I need.
    It is an on-going process, but I feel so much better.
    I agree with Anne, that is you can find a good therapist, it can really be helpful.
    Hugs from me, too!

  3. Thank you guys. I am going to do some reading on it. I know that I drink when I know she is coming over or after a particularly stressful conversation. I also know that when I stopped drinking, it was much easier to not let her get to me and be more calm in the presence of her negativity and toxicity.