My middle sister (the one that is speaking to me) uses this phrase all the time in regards to people coming in and out of her life....even family. Is used to think she was so cold hearted. How could she just write off family members and say that she doesn't need that in her life. I have worked so hard my whole life to make sure everything was ok in my extended family of one mother and two sisters. I had this picture perfect idea in my head kind of like some big Italian family that may fight and yell and scream sometimes but then everything is out in the open and the all still loved each other and got together all the time and had fun. First of all, we are not Italian. Second, my family is far too passive/ aggressive and reserved for that. My youngest sister never truly says how she feels. She says she never gets mad, but she most certainly does. Then she just treats you like crap until you finally say something (weeks or months after whatever you did to make her mad) and she acts like you are the one with the problem and she is, "sorry you feel that way." If you really make her mad, she doesn't speak to you for months or years and then just talks to my mom about it, making sure she looks good like she didn't do anything.
My middle sister really will say how she feels (probably the only one) but does not forgive easily. If she is mad at you, you certainly know it and why but she is mad for a long time. She just writes your off. I appreciate her honesty but don;t make her mad.
My mom is the perfect image of a martyr. She so desperately wants to me the matriarch of the family but to get that king of respect you need to act in a way that deserves it. She thinks she is just owed that amount of love and respect, when she has NEVER been the caring, nurturing, protective, positive mother that I have needed. She constantly complains about how hard her life is and how nobody calls her or cares about her. When I do call her, all I get it negativity and complaining, but I am not allowed to complain about anything. If I ever do, she blows right over and talks about how something in her life is worse or how bad other people have it that I don't even know. If she does acknowledge my bad day or whatever, she just points out something like - at least you only have 2 more weeks until summer break. She never really just hears me and listens and sympathies with me. She never has. Even as a young child, when I was sick, I would call her at work and tell her I didn't feel good. She would say, "Are you going to miss school? I can't come home from work?". Never any caring in a way I needed. She of course thinks she is this perfect mother who is just so mistreated by her family. Plus, she expects me to fix everything in the family and just rides my ass with guilt in a crying, feel sorry for me kind of way until I make everything right even if it wasn;t my fault. It is all so much drama and so ridiculous.
to be cont......gotta go to work
There are sober bloggers out there who have dealt with an uncaring mother.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard.
I am not a therapist, but I would encourage you to start to investigate "loving detachment ".
xo
Wendy
I am going to look that up. I would love to be able to detach from her without feeling angry at her or guilty myself.
DeleteYou may also look into daughter of narcissistic mothers. I have found some peace in understanding my mothers unkindness and manipulative behaviour. I know much of it is unconscious, but she is also completely unwilling or unable to see her bad behaviour.
ReplyDeleteI expect she never will.
It is sad to know my mother will never love me the way I think a mother should...but I don't let this loss fuel my self destructive behaviour. Drinking always made me feel even more hard done by.
Hug. None of this is easy. For me, healing only started with sobriety. That way I could not be undermined or belittled.
I will look that up as well. And you are right....healing does start with sobriety.
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