I think I have kind of an OCD obsession with thinking about alcohol. It takes up a majority of my brain space. I am either thinking about not drinking (researching, planning, reading, worrying, dealing wit fear of failure/boredom/unhappiness, blogging), thinking about drinking (planning, when, where, how much, what kind, how to moderate, excitement of anticipation - kind of this hyper giddy feeling), drinking (hypo mania/socially hyper or zoning/checking out) or recovering from drinking (exhausted, irritable, anxious, depressed).
It is definitely interfering with my ability to be a productive person and get things done. I usually only drink on the weekends but I think about it, obsess over it, analyze it EVERY SINGLE DAY! It's actually kind of ridiculous. I feel trapped in this mental prison. I know the only way to unlock the door to free myself is abstinence. Even successful moderation will not take away the mental obsession. I have reached a mental point where it is the only option. I truly do not believe I am physically addicted. Yes, my neurotransmitters have been damaged enough to be depressed, anxious, worried obsessive about it - maybe that really is a kind of physical addiction - my brain is a physical part of my body. And actually I do have horrendous hangovers (heart palpitations, insomnia, anxiety, exhaustion) for days after even just 4 drinks - so maybe that is also a form of physical addiction. I mean I don't drink most days of the week and I don't get the shakes or hallucinations. Who knows if I am physically addicted.
I am 100% sure I am mentally addicted/obsessed with all of it.I know that my obsession does cause anxiety which does lead me to compulsive/binge drinking which gives me relief in the moment which then causes more anxiety which feeds the obsession.
So why can't I make that final decision to stop and stick with it?
Have you ever read the alcoholics anaonymous big book? You don't have to go, but it is seriously worth googling it and just doing a bit of reading.
ReplyDeleteYou might find it enlightening.
What you write here is exactly what is in there. I know, it shocked me too.
Cunning and baffling. Knowing alcohol is the problem, but not being able to stop drinking the alcohol.
It takes an ability to be completely honest with ones self to see that the denial. Rationalizations and excuses we make that allow us to continue to drink are all actually addiction.
The answer is to not have the first drink. From there, freedom follows.
Anne
I am not being completely honest with myself. I still believe I can have happiness and alcohol.
DeleteIt doesn't really matter whether you're physically addicted or whether you qualify as an alcoholic. It's making you feel bad and you suspect that abstinence will free you from your obsessions. I so understand where you're coming from. I quit 982 days ago for all the reasons you write of. I was spending so much time and energy thinking about when I could drink, trying to pace my drinking to maintain my buzz, negotiating with myself...and the thing was I wasn't really even enjoying it as much anymore. So I quit, and I found freedom from all the mental gymnastics in always saying no. I stopped worrying about hat it meant or what anyone would think. Alcohol was having a negative affect on me, so I made a decision to cut it out of my life. I'm so glad when I wake up clear-headed and with no regrets on a Saturday morning. I have never once regretted not having a drink. It doesn't make anything better. Sure, I have those wistful moments where that romanticized notion of a cocktail crosses my mind, but I think about how much better I feel without all that and the thought evaporates. If I can do it, you can. It doesn't have to be a final decision, just make up your mind that today you'll say no. Then tomorrow do it again. It may not be easy but it is simple.
ReplyDeleteYou are right. It does not matter - it is just me still trying to analyze it.
DeleteI ditto what Anne and Geek Girl said!
ReplyDeleteI was in the same cycle. It was so hard.
xo
Wendy
Yep, yep, yep. Ditto. Ditto. Ditto. We all exhibit OCD symptoms about alcohol, but we are lucky because unlike the person who is truly OCD, we do not have to learn to live with our disorder and work around it, we can just walk away from it. Once we do, the obsessiveness lessens and finally disappears. Just like when we compare our drinking problem to cancer or another life threatening disease, it is so unfair, because people who have cancer or another life threatening disease or OCD can't just walk away. If they could, they'd do it in a minute.
ReplyDeleteThat's a good point. If people sick with cancer or other illnesses could walk away, they would. But with an addiction, you just keep walking towards it. So weird.
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