Tuesday, May 16, 2017
5/16/17 (Tues) Obsessed with alcohol
I think I have kind of an OCD obsession with thinking about alcohol. It takes up a majority of my brain space. I am either thinking about not drinking (researching, planning, reading, worrying, dealing wit fear of failure/boredom/unhappiness, blogging), thinking about drinking (planning, when, where, how much, what kind, how to moderate, excitement of anticipation - kind of this hyper giddy feeling), drinking (hypo mania/socially hyper or zoning/checking out) or recovering from drinking (exhausted, irritable, anxious, depressed).
It is definitely interfering with my ability to be a productive person and get things done. I usually only drink on the weekends but I think about it, obsess over it, analyze it EVERY SINGLE DAY! It's actually kind of ridiculous. I feel trapped in this mental prison. I know the only way to unlock the door to free myself is abstinence. Even successful moderation will not take away the mental obsession. I have reached a mental point where it is the only option. I truly do not believe I am physically addicted. Yes, my neurotransmitters have been damaged enough to be depressed, anxious, worried obsessive about it - maybe that really is a kind of physical addiction - my brain is a physical part of my body. And actually I do have horrendous hangovers (heart palpitations, insomnia, anxiety, exhaustion) for days after even just 4 drinks - so maybe that is also a form of physical addiction. I mean I don't drink most days of the week and I don't get the shakes or hallucinations. Who knows if I am physically addicted.
I am 100% sure I am mentally addicted/obsessed with all of it.I know that my obsession does cause anxiety which does lead me to compulsive/binge drinking which gives me relief in the moment which then causes more anxiety which feeds the obsession.
So why can't I make that final decision to stop and stick with it?