I am not sure what I could do now to help me be stronger in the spring.
My December 26, 2011 to March 17, 2012 time I went 87 days. This time was my first attempt at longer than 30 days once I started to realize I had a problem. I was so proud of going 87 days. All the sober feeling were so new and weird. I felt so good that I thought I was cured and could go back to moderating. I hadn't had the previous 5 years of blogging behind me that I could reference like I do now. I was really unaware of the pattern at this point. I was kind of a baby soberiesta. But, by April of 2012, I was back at the same over-drinking, hangover, exhausted, anxious, depressed, obsessive place again.
My August 1, 2012 - April 14, 2013 (after 255 days sober) I drank bc I wanted wine with my sister at a nice restaurant (and it was spring and I was super scared of a sober summer). I did ok with moderating for about two months. I then did not post again until November 2013 and wrote this:
Since August 1 - November 10, I have drank over the two or three I promised myself 12 of the 15 weekends. I have drank every weekend and had a significant H0s 10 of the 15 weekends. Until I sat down and figured it out, I didn't realize how bad it had gotten again.
When I gave in this time, I was actually very happy, settling into sobriety. I was learning how to socialize and have fun without alcohol. I was not white knuckling it. I felt good. We went to dinner and I just had this overwhelming craving (after 255 days) to be an sophisticated adult and sit by the fire at a super nice restaurant and have a glass of wine with my sister. It was weird - like some sort of out of body experience. I had an anxiety attack while trying to talk myself into drinking. I wrestled with the idea for probably 30 minutes and then I gave in. I said, "Screw it! I'm not an alcoholic, I don't drink int he mornings or during the week, lose my job or get DUIs. I can do this. I can moderate." I have no idea why I gave in, but I do know it didn't take long to be at the same over-drinking, hangover, exhausted, anxious, depressed, obsessive place again.
My January 1, 2015 - March 6, 2015 time I just white knuckled it for 64 days. I felt better but wasn't happy. I was isolated, depressed and felt sorry for myself that I couldn't hang out and drink on the weekends. I think I was pissed that I couldn't successfully moderate - that I hadn't tried hard enough. When I gave in (bc it was sunny, it was spring and the neighbors were calling me), I was like, "Screw it...this sucks...I will try harder to moderate." And eventually, by March 29 - only 3 weeks later - I was right back in the same over-drinking, hangover, exhausted, anxious, depressed, obsessive place.
I REALLY want to experience a sober summer, but am so scared of those strong cravings come spring and sun and friends and summer and vacations.
What can I do now to help put me in a better place when the spring rolls around?