Sunday, January 8, 2017

1/8/16 (Sun) Hangover free Sunday and spring is a killer - history

Well...first sober weekend in a long time. Finally, for the first time in a long time, I got up, started some laundry and made a plan for the day before 9:00.  I'm still pretty tired, but I know it will get better.  From my previous attempts at sobriety, I know I won't start feeling "totally not tired" until about day 28-30.  I also know that even though it is easy to stay sober right now, bc I have done dry Januarys in the past, it will not stay easy.  I know that I can probably stay pretty safe until March. My last three extended sobriety attempts were from Jan- Mar 2015 and from August-April 2012-2013 and Dec - March 2011-2012.  As you can see spring is a killer for me.  I need to focus on what I can do now to help me get through the spring and summer which I have never done (except when pregnant) since I was 18.  If I can get to August, I think I could possibly do at least 1 year.

I am not sure what I could do now to help me be stronger in the spring.

My December 26, 2011 to March 17, 2012 time I went 87 days.  This time was my first attempt at longer than 30 days once I started to realize I had a problem.  I was so proud of going 87 days. All the sober feeling were so new and weird. I felt so good that I thought I was cured and could go back to moderating.  I hadn't had the previous 5 years of blogging behind me that I could reference like I do now.  I was really unaware of the pattern at this point. I was kind of a baby soberiesta.  But, by April of 2012, I was back at the same over-drinking, hangover, exhausted, anxious, depressed, obsessive place again. 

My August 1, 2012 - April 14, 2013 (after 255 days sober) I drank bc I wanted wine with my sister at a nice restaurant (and it was spring and I was super scared of a sober summer). I did ok with moderating for about two months. I then did not post again until November 2013 and wrote this:

Since August 1 - November 10, I have drank over the two or three I promised myself 12 of the 15 weekends.  I have drank every weekend and had a significant H0s 10 of the 15 weekends.  Until I sat down and figured it out, I didn't realize how bad it had gotten again. 

When I gave in this time, I was actually very happy, settling into sobriety. I was learning how to socialize and have fun without alcohol.  I was not white knuckling it.  I felt good. We went to dinner and I just had this overwhelming craving (after 255 days) to be an sophisticated adult and sit by the fire at a super nice restaurant and have a glass of wine with my sister. It was weird - like some sort of out of body experience. I had an anxiety attack while trying to talk myself into drinking.  I wrestled with the idea for probably 30 minutes and then I gave in.  I said, "Screw it! I'm not an alcoholic, I don't drink int he mornings or during the week, lose my job or get DUIs. I can do this. I can moderate."  I have no idea why I gave in, but I do know it didn't take long to be at the same over-drinking, hangover, exhausted, anxious, depressed, obsessive place again.

My January 1, 2015 - March  6, 2015 time I just white knuckled it for 64 days. I felt better but wasn't happy. I was isolated, depressed and felt sorry for myself that I couldn't hang out and drink on the weekends.  I think I was pissed that I couldn't successfully moderate - that I hadn't tried hard enough. When I gave in (bc it was sunny, it was spring and the neighbors were calling me),  I was like, "Screw it...this sucks...I will try harder to moderate." And eventually, by March 29 - only 3 weeks later - I was right back in the same over-drinking, hangover, exhausted, anxious, depressed, obsessive place.

I REALLY want to experience a sober summer, but am so scared of those strong cravings come spring and sun and friends and summer and vacations. 

What can I do now to help put me in a better place when the spring rolls around?

3 comments:

  1. My advice- forget about what you did before and focus on today. Do not drink. Period.

    As the day goes by notice what comes up. Are you lonely, bored? If so, where can you find sober support? No one does this alone. We all eventually look for connection.

    Maybe it's time to read some sober books. Drinking, a love story really touched me.
    Or find a new passion?

    The word alcoholic really means nothing. It doesn't matter how much you drink or when or what happens...what meatyrs is how you feel about yourself. Some people drink excessively and just don't care. I was not that person. And you blog makes me think neither are you.

    There is such a freedom and joy in sobriety. Somewhere I went from believing I was missing out by not drinking to seeing just how insane that is.

    Focus on today. Do things to support you today. Be kind to yourself today.

    Anne

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Anne. I was going to take down all the Christmas decorations today, but after I read your post I decided to take a nap :)

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  2. Anne had good advice.
    It really is a day at a time thing for me, too.
    A label doesn't matter...it's just like Anne said.
    I was not happy drinking anymore. I was making my life and my hubs life harder.
    I am happy you took a nap!
    xo
    Wendy

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