Well I did drink wine with dinner last night and was awake from 12:00-3:00 am sweating with my heart pounding and my head racing. Clearly I can not process alcohol anymore (which I already knew) and am back to not drinking. I am not going to let this derail my sobriety. I'm not going to beat myself up about it which is a big change from past mess ups. I'm not going to use it as an excuse to go back to attempting to moderate on the weekends which I typically would have done with my all or nothing mentality (screwed up this month - will try again next month). I'm going to try to learn from it and get back to sobriety because I really, truly, honestly do not want to go back to that drinking hell hole I have been in for so long. I really just want to be a happy, sober woman.
So what happened? Why did I drink? I have been thinking about that for awhile (3 hours last night lol). Friday I was having a couple cravings but was fine although all I did was sit on the couch and watch stupid tv for 6 hours when I got home on my birthday. Maybe I should have gotten up and done something active. Then yesterday I was kind of in a funk. I have had a lot of trauma and pain in my past that I absolutely do not want to deal with. When I read that you have to deal with you past trauma to stay sober, I say, "No I don't and I won't. I'll stay sober without dealing with it. It is in the past and its going to stay there." Anyway, yesterday all of that "muck" was just bubbling to the surface. I just felt a little depressed and anxious and worried and out of it. I have read on the mm board about how hard week 3 is. Maybe it was some of that also. So I wasn't in a great place to begin with and when I needed to go get ready to go to dinner, those voices came out of nowhere and were screaming in my head. "I really want a drink. It is my birthday. I can drink tonight. It will be ok. I'm not that bad - I just convince myself I have a problem. It's just easier to be social when I drink. It alleviates all the worry about upcoming events where I can't drink. So I drank a beer while getting ready and wine with dinner. I really do think that the main reason I drank was to shut up the voices in my head. As soon as I drank I was like, "Ok. That's better. Everything will be ok. Just stop spending so much time blogging, work out instead, be healthy and really try to moderate one more time. You can do it. You really aren't as bad as you convince yourself that you are. It's just your newest obsession." And I drank and wasn't completely present during dinner which is disappointing, but I came home, felt barely buzzed and went to bed. I remember thinking, "Well, that went ok. I didn't get drunk. I don't even feel that buzzed right now. I'll just go to sleep and see how I feel about remaining sober tomorrow." And then my night was a total shit show from the past. It comes down to this question:
Do you want to drink or do you want to sleep? Because I obviously have to choose one.
I choose sleep! Back to work. Gotta figure out another way to shut up those voices!
It sounds like you need more support. I know you aren't interested in AA, but what about women for sobriety or SMART?
ReplyDeleteThe voice is addiction. It's very cunning. And the only way to make it stop is time sober.
This is a hard thing....I know my 42 birthday coincided with day 7 for me. It was shitty. I was anxious and paranoid and hated every minute.
But that's the only way to get through it. To feel the feelings.
I found therapy vital. I have generalized anxiety disorder and depression. Those two things made sobriety very hard...
Hug. Onward.
Anne
I am with Anne.
ReplyDeleteTherapy helped me, too.
So did Women for Sobriety and AA.
Support is critical.
You can be a happy sober woman.
You are stronger than you think!
xo
Wendy