1/20/16 (Fri) Happy Birthday to me

Today is my 49th birthday. I never thought I would be this old and I don't feel anywhere near 49 in my head.  I suppose everyone feels this way lol.  My birthday on a Friday would have been the perfect excuse to get together with friends after work and drink, but I'm not going to do that. I'm not sure what I will do but it won't be that.

What I am pondering over this morning is actually my 50th birthday one year from today.  I want to be done struggling with alcohol when I turn 50.  I want to be sitting here in 365 days saying things like, "I'm so glad I quit drinking a year ago.  I feel amazing! I look amazing!" If I continue to drink, I will probably be depressed about still struggling with alcohol (bc I'm sure I won't be able to somehow, magically moderate in the next year)  and about turning 50.  I don't want black balloons and depression and anxiety and hangovers and being out of shape and insomnia and insecurity and over sensitivity and selfishness and low self esteem and all of this bullshit I have been living with for years because of my weekend binge drinking.

I want happiness and peace and pride and sleep and feeling fit and confidence and clarity when I turn 50. I don't want to begin the journey at 50, I want to already be there and feeling great  bc turning 50 might suck or it might not. I'm not sure how I will feel 1 year from now if I don't drink, but I am 100% certain that I won't feel all of those things if I continue to drink.  Too many years of drinking have passed, with me really trying to moderate, that have proven this fact - I will not find these things unless I can moderate and I can not moderate..  I guess I won't drink and just see.