Tuesday, January 3, 2017

1/3/16 (Tues) Surrender and Acceptance Day 3

Still feel crappy - can't sleep - blah, blah, blah

I'm going back to my blog last summer when I read The 30 Day Solution.  I only got to day 6, so I'm going to figure out what derailed me and try again. I learned this in the first 5 days

Day 1 - I need to change my response in order to learn new behaviors.  Instead of just staying home and complaining about not being able to drink and therefore not wanting to socialize, I need to go, stay sober, have a good time and learn that I don't need alcohol to socialize and have fun. If I don't ever change my response, I am never going to learn anything differently and then be able to change my outcome.

Day 2 - "Once you are 100% committed, there are no exceptions and no negotiations" which frees you from inner conflict and allows you to put all of you energy and direct it to what you actually want out of life. "Once your commitment drops to 99%, you open the door to the internal debate to begin, and when it comes to alcohol, this debate usually ends in the rationalization to drink again."

Day 3 - Purpose Statement
Every day I will wake up feeling vibrant, excited and passionate about living a meaningful and fulfilling sober life. I will spend my day being productive, positive and happy.  I will go to bed sober, relaxed and and proud of my accomplishments for the day.

Day 4 - Strategy when having a craving
WAIT 30 MINUTES!!!!  Just give it a little time. It will pass.  I know this from past experience. Drink a seltzer water, eat a snack, take a walk, post on a support group I am part of, write on my blog, sit in the sun, take some deep breathes.

Day 5 - Forgiveness - no comment - can't do this one

Day 6 - Believe in myself
"When you decide what you want, believe it is possible, believe in yourself and then work hard to get it, you take 100% control of your destiny."   Am I always looking for the answer I want to hear rather than hearing the truth?

And then I quit and started drinking again.  I think it was because on day 5 (in June) my sister invited me to Florida in August and I just did not have confidence to know I wouldn't drink then so I just gave up - sort of like - well if I'm going to drink in August anyway, I might as well drink now. My commitment to being sober dropped to 99% and that's all it took. My blogs after that were an up and down roller coaster of drinking, not drinking, feeling good, feeling horrible.  I need to get off the roller coaster.

I have got to figure out a way to not care about what others think about me not drinking. I use it as an excuse to drink. It derails me every time!  I find myself thinking - What if I don't get invited to Lake Powell again/get invited to pub crawls/get invited to so out of town to neighbor's cabins or condos/get invited to Florida for vacation/get invited to parties bc I'm not drinking? Because my not drinking is making drinkers uncomfortable to be around me? Oh just screw it, I can moderate! I'll just try harder. It's not worth it!

I don't know how much harder I can try! I have been seriously trying to moderate for years!

I need to figure out a way to do what I know is best for me. I know the people who love and care about me will stand by me...I know this...I just have to figure out a different way to interact with them on a sober level.  I know I will actually be a better friend, sister, mother, wife, daughter and person sober. I just have to get there. And if they don't invite me to vacations and parties then shame on them because I have to do this for me! Their need to drink with me should not be more important than their need to have a relationship with me.

I just need to let holding on so tightly, just let go and trust the process. I have never been to AA, but maybe this is what is means to surrender to the idea that I can not change the fact that I can not successfully moderate long term and I can not process alcohol any more - even when I do manage to moderate.  I CAN NOT CHANGE THIS - it is a biological, physical fact about MY body and brain that I can not change. As much as I wish I could moderate and not have hangovers, it is not in the cards for me - it is just not possible anymore and the longer I keep a tight grip on that hope and do not surrender to the fact that I can't change it, the longer I will be miserable.

I CAN NOT MODERATE LONG TERM

I CAN NOT PROCESS ANY AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL IN MY BODY ANYMORE

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER WHEN I DON'T DRINK

I surrender and accept these three truths

5 comments:

  1. Amen.
    Have you read Brene browns the gifts of imperfection?
    She has some excellent thoughts on living wholeheartedly and not worrying about what others thing.

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    1. I have not read that, but it is a book that always catches my eye when I am looking at self help books. Maybe I will give it a try. Thanks

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    2. Best book. And her Tex talks are amazing.

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  2. I had to accept the fact that I could not drink anymore.
    Once I really accepted that, it was easier to quit.
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. I do believe that is the real struggle. Accepting I can't control it long term and even if I can I still feel like crap when I drink. I can not control that my body can't process it anymore. For right now, anyway, it feels like a relief to admit that.

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