1/21/17 (Sat) Having some cravings

I did fine last night but I have to admit the thought of having a nice cold beer on my birthday sounded kinda good.  We're going to a really nice restaurant tonight for my bday. Nice restaurants are a really big trigger for me.  I love having a glass of wine with my nice dinner.  Somehow the service is much better, the conversation more interesting and the food is more delicious when I am drinking wine.  Just my imagination of course bc I am drinking and talking and not paying attention to how long things are taking. In fact I used to hate the taste of wine.  People say you acquire a taste for it. I think you just acquire a taste for the buzz you get from it which then compensates for how it tastes.  In reality a Dr. Pepper would probably taste better.  Maybe I will have that!  I never drink soda.

I just have to remember that no matter how much I think that glass of wine will make me enjoy the experience more (1) I'm am 100% positive I would drink more than one - especially since I broke yet another promise to myself. I know I would be saying to myself, "Screw it! I already failed so now I might as well make it worth it."  And (2) now matter how much better the experience may seem while I'm drinking it would not be worth how bad (depressed, tired, defeated, anxious, probably hungover) I will feel tomorrow and probably Monday and Tuesday.  Plus, I would have to start over at day 1 and it is really easy to count when your day 1 is Jan 1.

I read this article this morning.  I can really relate the the idea that I drink just to shut up that internal conflict voice.  That part of my brain that won't shut up until I have a drink.  It is exhausting and super stressful to fight that voice every weekend. Sometimes, in the moment, it is just easier and seems less stressful to just give in when in reality giving in causes all the terrible feelings I am trying to cure by not drinking. What a catch 22 - so much bullshit wrapped up in a bottle of poison!



https://recoveryexperts.com/rebuzz/big-stories/unconscious-mind-alcohol-cravings

This came from the article:

"This internal conflict was painful and stressful. I would make myself promises (no drinking until Friday, I will only have two tonight, no hard liquor, only red wine), which I continued to break. I was unable to understand why I couldn't easily control how much alcohol I was drinking. Internal division and the recrimination that comes with being unable to keep my promises tore me apart. This was so painful that I would find myself drinking more in order to turn off my brain, shut down the internal struggle.

Why is this? Why did I both want to stop and want to drink at the same time? The answer is because even though I had consciously, willfully determined I wanted to stop drinking, my unconscious mind had not gotten the memo. Unconscious learning happens automatically and unintentionally through experiences, observations, conditioning, and practice. We've been conditioned to believe we enjoy drinking. We think it enhances our social life and relieves boredom and stress. These thoughts are subconscious. Even after we consciously acknowledge that alcohol takes more than it gives, we retain the desire to drink.

Unconscious beliefs can be difficult to change. The first step is consciously realizing that alcohol is not everything you thought it was. This realization that you want to stop drinking makes you examine the reasons you drink and wonder whether they are truly valid. The best way to change your unconscious mind is to shine the light of consciousness on your ingrained beliefs."