Week 9 - Cravings 3/3/18

Well, it is week 9 and it is so weird to say, but I haven't had any cravings so far. Sometimes alcohol passes through my head at unexpected times, but no real cravings.  For example, my younger sister (the one I drink with) went in to have her hormones tested.  She is in menopause and was prescribed HRT.  Haha!  I'm not the only one getting old lol :). For one fleeting moment, I thought, "Now we are just a couple of old menopausal ladies drinking wine together." This was a positive, fun, bonding with my sister thought. But just as quickly, the thought left my brain and it wasn't a big deal. I didn't feel sad or mad or glad or anything.  It is so strange. 

The only think I can relate this to is the situation with my sister. I have not talked to my youngest sister in a couple of years.  We had a falling out and she is refusing to talk to me.  It hurt my feelings for a long time. I cried and cried and was so angry and hurt for probably a good year and a half.  For the first time ever, I wasn't going to fix things and it was killing me.  So much time has now passed that I can honestly say I am indifferent. I am open to talking and working things out, but I'm not all torn up about the fact that it isn't happening. Sure I'm a little sad about the whole thing, but it isn't causing me anxiety any more. It just is what it is. 

I feel the same way, strangely enough, about alcohol this time.  It has taken me almost two months this time to start feeling better, but I just haven't cared about drinking.  I just feel pretty indifferent to it. I'm really not jealous of others who can drink, not angry that I can't, not sad that I can't control it.  I also haven't had the emotional "highs" that come from quitting this time either. The first weeks and months didn't come with the pink cloud this time. Sobriety wasn't new and had lost its novelty. It wasn't bad, I just wasn't waking up relishing in the fact that I didn't have a hangover.  It's weird but it just seems like the new normal for me. It has just been much more even keel this time - not really any super high highs but also not any super low lows.  Just kind of chugging along. 

Maybe when my emotions get on that roller coaster, I tend to have more cravings.  I know that one of the reasons I would get super excited about an upcoming event was because I could drink. Or maybe I drank because I was super excited? Maybe not getting super excited about anything helps me not to drink. It's not that I'm depressed or not looking forward to a beautiful Saturday or a vacation coming up during spring break - it's just that that hard to explain ansty/hyper/revved up feeling that comes with these upcoming events isn't there. 

Who knows, maybe it will come back and I need to be prepared. Maybe I am just fooling myself. Spring is my hardest season to stay sober (haven't done it in 30 years). I just know that it took me two months to get my energy back and really start sleeping better this time. Month 3 is going to be about working out.  I need to get myself back in shape and feeling better about how my clothes fit.  I have always weighed between 125-130.  When I quit drinking last summer I had gotten up to almost 150.  I am now down to about 142 (lot 8 pounds just from cutting out the alcohol - still eating crappy and not working out).  I only have 10-15 pound more to lose. I know once my clothes fit better and I am more comfortable in my own skin, it will only help me feel better about myself and be better able to maintain sobriety if and when the cravings do hit.