Well...I had one beer...dangit!
I thought about why, the positives and the negatives.
The why....the new people I met yesterday all seemed really fun and we had a great meeting prior to the FAC. Everyone was super friendly and welcoming and they were all encouraging me to go to the FAC. Here is the truth...I just wanted to fit in. I didn't want to seem different. I didn't want to feel different. And truth be told....it is a social liquid courage for me. It does make it easier to talk and socialize especially with people you don't know. I really didn't feel like I was wanting the beer to get the alcohol in my system, it was more about just feeling comfortable and having the conversation come a little easier and fitting in with my new colleagues.
The positives...I did have a good time, felt like I fit in and only had one When I drank it, it wasn't like this sense of relief that I was consuming the thing I had stopped. It just felt "normal". I wasn't too loud, made a lot of connections with people and went home.
The negatives...I do wish I would have done all of that without drinking and here is why. When I got home, I started felling physically ill. I was not mad at myself and beating myself up but still felt a bit of that anxiety feeling in my chest. I started getting that kind of out of it grumpy tired where having a conversation is challenging..kind of a can't keep my eyes open buzzed feeling. It wasn't bad as it was two hours later and after only one beer, but I could feel it. I didn't sleep well. Don't know if that had anything to do with the one beer bc I haven't been sleeping well lately anyways. I also had a really bad dream that I was chasing my dog for hours and then found her dead. Maybe it had something to do with my sobriety being dead.
My sobriety is not dead. I feel much much much better when I don't drink. I have go to figure out how to do these social things sober.
Please don;t judge....keep on keeping on. Trying really had this morning to not have that "all or nothing feelng" where I just think "screw it". I drank so now I can drink. I jut need to remind myself that I feel better when I don;t drink and that is the truth!
I am sending you hugs and support. You had one beer (not a binge) and you are really reflecting on the experience. You are learning and growing. You are awesomeness!!
ReplyDeleteBe kind to yourself. You are learning!
ReplyDeleteI am glad you met some new, fun co-workers.
xo
Wendy
You are ok!!! Get back in the saddle. Don’t look back. Don’t beat yourself up. And yes, be kind to yourself. 😘xo
ReplyDeleteOf course none of us judge you. I know I have been there. It’s just so easy to give in to temptation when things are still fresh. After all, we drank for years. Change is hard.
ReplyDeleteNow it’s just deciding what you might do differently next time, if that is what you want.
I said no to a lot of invitations for a while. I knew I would be swayed. That’s how I figured out I needed to quit for me and me alone.
Hugs
Anne