Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Can't sleep...nervous 3/13/18

I am up at 2:30 am after not getting any sleep last night and restless anxiety ridden dreaming the past few night.  What's going on?  I think I am actually really nervous about Friday. I am nervous about meeting everyone at my new school. I just want to make a good first impression. I think, though, what is bothering more than that is this Friday Social hour thing afterwards.  Why does it have to be at one of my favorite breweries? Why does it have to be sunny this Friday? Why do I have to be not drinking? Why can't I just moderate? What will everyone think? What will I say? How uncomfortable will it be? Will it even be enjoyable? Will they have Kumbucha so it at least looks like I'm drinking something or will I look totally lame drinking a cup of water?  I think that my worry over this one event that may only take a couple of hours is threatening to derail my whole sobriety. 

We are also going on vacation over spring break and I am worried about the desire to drink vacation, especially during long layovers in airports.  I loved drinking during those! Just sit in a bar or restaurant feeling like a sophisticated traveler, passing time with a couple of drinks. That is the best! Wait...what am I saying...how great was it last year when I got on the plane pretty wasted, continued to drink on the plane, which I never do, and arrived at my destination hammered. I don;t even remember clearly everything we did that evening. This set up my miserable depressed trip to Jeanau last year. 

This last weekend, I did not want to drink but was definitely feeling the pull.  I even drove past a gold course club house we used to sit in the sun and drink at and thought, "Well, that sucks! I can't so that  anymore!" All of those insecurities and doubts started creeping back in. What if I could drink normally? What if I just tried harder? This spring is going to suck.

I know my mind is just romanticizing it and I couldn't figure out why I was feeling the pull so bad, but I think is it both the event this Friday and the upcoming traveling. 

Yesterday a friend of mine and I had been talking about heart palpitations, getting older, insomnia and drinking. He was experiencing some of this and hadn't been drinking much either. He went to the doctor, got a clean bill of health and was told that a couple of drinks weren't going to hurt him.  Hearing that kind of sent me spinning.  He said that the doctor told him the heart palpitations were not caused by alcohol, but instead was caused by anxiety and stress. Maybe I was just making myself anxious about drinking. Maybe my issues with alcohol are all in my head. Maybe I could have a couple of drinks Friday. Maybe I just need some anxiety medication to ease my general anxiety about everything and then I could drink again.

Yes...I realize how ridiculous all of this sounds, but it is good to get it out of my head. Put is on paper and try to let it go.  Why does what his doctor tell him have such an impact on me. Maybe bc he was excited to hear that it wasn't the alcohol and had gone back to drinking. Maybe bc he said I just need to not stress about it and that the drinking isn't causing my symptoms. I know he is just rationalizing his own drinking. How does he know what is making me have heart palpitations? I said that I think alcohol is causing it and he said that he doubts it...it is just caused by stress and then the palpitations are causing more anxiety. That's what his doctor told him. I am not him and alcohol does cause me to have heart palpitations even it if it bc of the anxiety I get around drinking.  I can't ever seem to remain moderate, my hangovers had become intolerable and that was causing me a great deal of anxiety which is alleviated if I don't drink. Plus...why would a doctor say, "Ya, it's ok, you might be over 50 and having heart palpitations but go ahead and continue to pour poison into your body! Just do it and don;t worry so much about it....you'll be ok.  It's just all so stupid. I feel like everyone drinks so everyone just rationalizes it. It is an addictive poison that makes you sick!

I just need to remind myself.....I promised myself one year.  I can do this!

I want to make me proud of me. Nothing else matters - not what others think of me Friday or even the uncomfortable feelings I may need to experience both Friday and at the airport. I can live through that uncomfortableness to be proud of me. It is not always going to be easy, but it will be worth it.

I just need to continue to tell myself, "You got this, girl! You can do it."


  1. You got this, girl!
    Something to consider is that alcohol can also increase/cause anxiety, so while your friend might have a doctor who doesn't take a wholistic view, you can still connect the dots and decide it's not worth it for your health.
    I wish you all the best for your week ahead. You might look around and see other people who aren't drinking, too, or that no one even cares what is in your glass because you're such great company!

    1. Hello Mrs Sobers! I looked at your blog. Did you just start? Congrats of Day 11 :). I find that writing really does help me get out of my own head. I am fully aware that alcohol causes me extreme levels of anxiety. Not only mental anguish but also on a physical level. It is just so stupid that that one comment makes me question what I know to be a fact.

  2. re: the event on Friday, just order any sort of non-alcoholic drink, tea, juice, whatever and don't worry about it. I'd be willing to bet not a single person will notice/care that you're not drinking alcohol. I used to build up this whole "what will people think" business, but quickly discovered that NOBODY CARED. Now, old drinking-buddies might notice and ask, but these are not those people. So just be the new-improved Ksus and have a soft drink and have a good time. If anybody asks (and they won't) just say that alcohol doesn't agree with you (which is true).
    That voice in your head telling you that you need to drink to fit in with your new coworkers is the same one that's telling you that spring is going to suck and that just because your friend's doctor told him that drinking was fine for him, it's fine for you.
    You've done this often enough to know recognize that addict voice. Just because you're having a thought doesn't mean it's true, and it certainly doesn't mean you have to act on its bad advice.
    Give yourself this year. You deserve it.

    1. Is this Lulu from a long time ago? I know that really know one cares. I have learned that in the past. Thanks for reminding me :). I just need to remind myself that I don't care either. I really like the line - just bc you are having a thought doesn't make it true. This is a new concept for me that I need to think about.

    2. It's Luluruns from mmabsers (but I do remember another Lulu blogger from way back). I'm so happy you're giving sobriety another chance. You know I'm always on team sober-Ksus!!
      I'm a little over 7 years sober now and so so so glad to be out from under alcohol's thumb. I pray that you can stay the course and learn to love sobriety as much as I do. <3

  3. I'm with anonymous above - no one cares - I've been at parties with sorority sisters, hockey parents, etc. I think you need a talk with your subconscious (Annie Grace - you've read her book). You go girl - in my experience once you get there you will enjoy yourself and be SO happy that you stuck to your sober lifestyle and what is right for YOU!

    1. Yup, I have read Annie Grace's book. Maybe it's time to read it again. So easily I forget everything I know to be true.

  4. Nobody cared that I wasn't drinking, as long as they could drink. Those romance feelings were the hardest for me to break, but I did! You will be so happy you didn;t drink, and end up drinking too much, perhaps making a fool out of yourself!
    You can do this!

    1. You are so correct about romanticizing it. And...I do want to make a good first impression. I used to think that meant my drinking and being overly social. I have realized that everyone else who wasn't drinking as much as me did not think I was as cool as I thought I was :)

  5. You will be fine. And, if not, leave.
    That’s always a choice. Realizing you are in charge of yourself is freeing.
    Sure, sometimes the romance of a drink comes up. But remember the shitty mornings? The bad conversations? The regret?
    They all come. Back with the booze.

    Iife is full of joy. Joy that doesn’t need alcohol.


  6. I have experienced all the withdrawal symptoms mentioned. There are many things in this life I do not have control over and I am working on coming to terms with this without
    Tramadol currently. Reading helps me.
    How Long Does Tramadol Stay in Your System?
    Тrаmаdоl Withdrawal