Day 5 of vacation - Day 2 of sobriety 3/28/18

Time to come clean again....totally honest.....If I'm not honest here, then I won't be honest anywhere. I drank one beer 2 weeks ago at the after school event and as much as I want to say, "No big deal..one beer..special occasion..I can just drink occasionally...I know that it opened the door back up and all the thoughts of should I/shouldn't I came flooding back in. My mental obsession started creeping back in. Not bad, but still a little bit louder and a little more often.

Drank one beer (20 oz) in the airport. Still..not big deal..special occasion...was nice...shared a moment with dh. Cravings came on really heavy after that to have another one. Probably (who am I kidding..absolutely) would have if the situation (not on an airline sitting next to ds) were different.

Drank two the next night while making dinner on vacation. Still no biggie...on vacation...it's different..but - I was the only one drinking and felt like I was trying to hide it. Not sneaking but certainly trying to make the beer bottle not noticeable.  Drank the second really quickly hoping no one was paying attention well enough to notice.  Apparently dd was, bc she said something the next day.  Didn't sleep well, really bad stomach ache at 3:30 in the morning.

The next night - same as the previous one....drank two beers while cooking, kind of hiding, didn't really want the second but after I drank the first, changed my mind and drank a second hoping no one noticed.  Fell asleep on the couch while watching a show. I never do this unless buzzed from alcohol. Didn't sleep well - another bad stomach ache. Next day felt just kind of out of it and tired.

So there it is - one beer two weeks ago, and 6 beers in three days while on vacation. Never got drunk or embarrassed myself or even really felt all that buzzed. But have had stomach aches, haven't slept well and felt tired.

I think the real damage comes mentally and emotionally, tho.  I can tell myself on the surface that it is no big deal, it is a special occasion or a vacation or I only had two or I can moderate and be "normal" or I will only drink beer and only two and only on special occasions. I do know that in the past this has always been the slippery slope that leads to more drinking and hangovers and depression and anxiety and loss of joy for life, but it has become more than that. The damage it causes me mentally and emotionally is bigger than the hangovers and lack of sleep.

When I am drinking, anymore, I just feel like I am not being my authentic self. I feel like I am not being true to what I know I should be doing - who I can be. Like I am betraying myself - all of my big plans and hopes and dreams for sobriety. It's almost like I feel like I am giving up on myself. Like I just give in to the cravings and as much as I tell myself it is not big deal - I know in my heart that it is a big deal and I am just trying to fool myself. There is place deep down inside that knows it's all just bullshit. It isn't about anyone else anymore. It is about me and the fact that I am disappointed in myself when I am drinking.

It's like I am fighting with myself and the part of me that would be proud of myself is losing when I choose to drink. I know that I feel better and am a better person when not drinking.

I used to tell my kids to pay attention to that feeling you get when you know you are making a bad decision or getting yourself into a bad situation. Pay attention to that. It is your conscience and if you listen to it, it will serve you well and keep you out of trouble. Once again - time to take my own advice.

I have that very same feeling when drinking..like I know that what I am doing is not the best choice for me. Just like a child, I am giving in to an impulse to fit in or bc I think it will make me happy or just bc I want it and I can drink if I want to damnit! I do get that feeling (my conscience) telling me that it isn't the right choice for me, but I just ignore it and rationalize with it and tell it that everything will be fine..that two beers isn't a big deal. It feels very immature.

I told my dd daughter, "Do what you can today to be the best version of yourself. Don't worry about tomorrow or next week/month/year. Just be the best you that you can be today." She reminded me of that advice yesterday and it is pretty good advice - if I do say so myself. The best version of me that I can be today means not drinking.

So.....back on the horse.  The horse of being proud of myself, honoring myself, loving myself enough to be choose to be healthy and happy and content and proud of myself. Back to being the best version of myself I can be today.

Plus it is easier to just not drink, ever, than to open that door back up and invite in all the rationalizing and deal making with myself just to be able to poison myself with an addictive drug.

Sobriety is definitely easier, for me, than moderating. It is easier when it just isn't an option.