Thursday, February 19, 2015

You buy the first round

Yesterday I decided I might switch grade levels.  I have been at the same grade for 9 years. Every 5-10 years I tend to switch either grade levels, schools or classrooms.  I think i just get bored after awhile and need a new challenge.  It is a big deal to consider since it would just be easier to stay put - I already know the curriculum. Switching (up a grade) does not make me nervous in any way except having to learn the curriculum for that grade.  I need to make a decision by tomorrow, so it has been taking up a lot of my "brain space".

Anyway, when I went to talk to the potential team I would be joining, they said they would be happy for me to join them.  They also said, "You buy the first round."  Whoa! That his me like a ton of bricks!  That one statement sent me way back.  I have only been out drinking with this team maybe 5 times in the past 10 years when there has been an school social event, but that comment shook me to the core.  I think it is the desperate need to feel like I belong, like I fit in, like people want me around.

I was talking to a co worker about it yesterday and she said, "Let's have a glass of wine and talk about it."  What twice in one day...I can't take it!

So I came home, still contemplating my decision, and these thoughts came into my head, "I want to be able to have a beer with them, I want to be able to have a glass of wine with my sister, I want to be able to sit in the sun and have a beer with my neighbor........this SUCKS!  Why can't i just be normal? Maybe I am normal, I am just making a big deal out of something that isn't and then, "Just go get a beer and drink it right now!  Hurry! All this nonsense will be over! Once you have the first one, the decision will be made! You can moderate!  Just be more careful!"

I made bowl of popcorn, poured a seltzer water, sat on the couch, watched TV for the next three hours and sulked...I may try I'm today.....

I got up this morning, after a night of terrible dreaming (I think I was dying in my dream), with a headache.  I got online and saw this little gem of a video.

It is all sooooo stupid!


  1. Hey there! Way to fight a bad night of stinking thinking. I have enjoyed seeing you progress the last two months with 47 posts, it is great hearing you stay on the path of sobriety. You have posted more in a month and half than you did in all of 2013 and 2014!

    You have a great archive that documents all the past times you drank and regretted it sooooooooooooo MUCH! It always gets bad for you after a period of time when you start drinking. It is the same way for me and see your struggles reminds me that I can't drink. Seeing you get betters reminds me I can get better too.

    I think it is hard for you in part because while you have the blog and online groups for support that you have, from what I can tell, you have no one in real life to be supportive of your sobriety. You are alone and you seem isolated. Maybe check out some type of peer group community in real life where you look people in the eye balls and can discuss trying to not drink. There are a lot of alternatives out there from Women for Sobriety, AA, Smart Recovery, etc.

    Keep it up! When you drink you don't post and I will miss hearing from you.

  2. I have two thoughts...

    First, no one is stopping you from drinking. If you want that beer or glass of wine the decision is totally up to you. When I realized this something happened to me - like I flipped a switch or something. Once I realized that no one was telling me "no", I stopped acting like a stubborn child who just wants to assert her independence. "You're not the boss of me!"

    That's when I realized that I am the boss of me. I don't know how to explain it but that changed my perspective. That does not mean that I don't throw a hissy fit, pout and bitch and moan from time to time because I do (waaaay less than I used to...but still). It just means that when I took back my power things...changed.

    My second point is that you CAN go out and belong. You CAN buy the first round. When I first got sober I used to do this all the time and just drink diet coke. I felt like I needed to belong. Now I just say no thank you because I've realized that I really don't like bars all that much anymore. But in the beginning, I used to go and drink the hell out of diet coke all night long.

    You'll get through this if you want to. I know you can do it.