Wednesday, February 25, 2015
2/25/15 (Wed)The buzz AKA hyper!!! party!!! yeah!!! Me while drinking
For some reason, this time, I really am not having as hard a time not drinking. I am still having the intense feelings of dread about never being able to drink again and once in awhile having a pretty intense craving, but it doesn't seem as hard. I was thinking about why that is - what is different. This time I have a new feeling - something I haven't felt before. I really do not want the buzz in my head that you get when drinking.
When I am drinking I feel kinda revved up, not able to calm down and focus on anything. It does make me feel happy, excited, energetic. I feel like I am the most popular person in the world when I drink. I feel like everyone loves me and wants me to be around. I feel like I am the life of the party. Some of that is probably true, I can be pretty fun, if I do say so myself, but I also have quite an inflated ego when I drink. While I am drinking, there really isn't any sense of calm. I am either floating (bouncing) around the room, cooking, or out doing something all while incessantly talking. I don't know how many times my dh has gotten upset at me for talking through a movie at the movie theater after I have been drinking. I just CAN'T slow down or stop talking when I drink. I think I might have been annoying?
I am also not a very good listener when I drink. I do appear to be listening, but my brain isn't really caring about what you have to say. I feel like I care in the moment, but it is just the surface sense of caring. You probably really think that I am listening and interested (for about 10 minutes until I have to get up and find the next conversation), but I am not really that focused and some of it I don't even remember the next day. It really is all about me.
When I drink, I don't want to stop or slow down or have the party end. When I slow down I get tired and I don't want the fun to stop by getting tired. I also don't want anyone else to get tired, so I would always make sure they had a drink. I was the ultimate hostess!
I was also the one in high school at midnight that was yelling, "Let's go get some crazy bread from Little Ceasars, find a park and go swinging!! Come on!! It will be so fun!! I loved bars in my 20s - dance clubs - it was full of really fun people who were also moving, talking and didn't want to slow down. My friends were ALWAYS ready to leave before I was.
One time some neighbors, my dh and I went downtown to dinner and a comedy club. We got back around 12:30 and we were all pretty buzzed. I was having such a good time that I invited (begged) everyone to come to my house. I made plate after plate of nachos and kept the drinks coming. We were all in our 30s/40s and we stayed up until 4:00 am! How stupid! We all felt so bad the next day and it really was my fault because I didn't want to stop partying. I can be very convincing.
I have to say that I am kinda tired of that. I'm not just tired of the late nights, the hangovers, the depression, anxiety, etc,, this time I can really say I am tired of the buzzed, fuzzy head I get from drinking. That hyperness that comes with drinking. I really don;t understand all the reasons I drank., but I know it took a lot of energy. It just all seemed so exhausting! I am exhausted just typing it all. All I know is that right now I am enjoying a clear head and a calmer life.