Saturday, February 21, 2015

Am I a drifter?

I am trying to make a decision about switching grade levels at my school.  I sooooo struggle with decision making.  I just do not know which is the correct decision to make.  I am always so afraid that I will regret the choice I make.  I am just lamenting and stuck about which one to choose. I could stay in my grade level, which  I know like the back of my hand, or I can change to 6th grade which would be challenging but invigorating.

I found an excellent video about making hard choices that I am going to watch a few more times. The speaker says that instead of looking for reason "out there", we need to look for reasons inside ourselves.  That we need to make a decision and stand behind that - to let that it be what we stand for. Be completely behind the choice, stop wondering if it was right or not and let it be who we are - what we stand for.  People who don't exercise their power in making hard choices are drifters. They allow the the world to make their choices through rewards and punishment, pats on the head, fear, the easiness of an option   - to determine what they do. Hard choices are special opportunities for us to define or redefine ourselves.

Am I a drifter? What can I stand for?

As I was typing, thinking about my choices at school, it also occurred to me that it could be relevant when in comes to my drinking.  That is certainly a hard (maybe the hardest) choice of all for me.  Can I really stand behind living without alcohol? Can it be what I get behind and be who I am rather than second guessing my decision all the time?  Am I being a drifter that is letting the outside world (what people will think, fitting in, the immediate reward of the high I get when I drink) control my decisions?  I do see this little, teeny, tiny piece of my brain being a person that stands for sobriety, that redefines sobriety for the people around me, that can be a ray of sunshine in this highly rationalizing addicted world.  Sometimes I wish the world would help me make this decision, that I wouldn't be in the driver's seat, as the second video talks about. I know it sounds terrible, but if I were diagnosed with some disease (not terminal of course) but just something I could tell people as a reason why I don't drink, it would be easier.  They would say, "Oh yea, I get it."  Why do I need that? Why do I need outside validation?

In my job decision I had just wished my principal would have made the decision for me, or my current teammate had pissed me off with all the negativity one more time or that a member of the new team would have really expressed a desire for me to join them. Just one little outside piece of validation to help me make the hard decision. Why do I need that? Why can't I just make a decision and have the power to stand behind it?  I just need to stop being so wishy-washy.

Am I a drifter? What can I stand for?

IDK - maybe letting go of the driver's seat meas, "Let go...Let God"?

The following is for my own thought process - probably boring - just needed to write it down:

Pros and cons

Stay in 5th - least risky option but run the risk of boredom and dissatisfaction

I KNOW the curriculum - I have been in 5th for 10 years
I wouldn't need to learn a knew curriculum - it is A LOT of work
I have a lot of control - I have had a lot of input as to what we do
There are some interpersonal relationships in my current team - not bad and not all the time - my                  teammates just don't seem to like teaching anymore and it brings me down sometimes
I have job security on this team
If I don't move now, I might be in 5th for a long time
I like 5th graders (age)
It would be easier to stay put

Move to 6th - more risky option but I like change and challenge

I am getting a little bored with the curriculum - I have been in 5th grade for 10 years
I get excited to learn something new, do something different
I would need to "give up the driver's seat" (see the TED talk below) as being part of a new team, you
     have to sit back and fit in the first year - you can't go in trying to change things - it's annoying
I think i would enjoy teaching with this team, but the answer is unknown
Less job security (in this grade level) as I have less seniority on this team
The opportunity has arisen for me to move, and may not come again for a long time
I have taught 6th grade before and know I like the kids (age)

Any suggestions?  From looking from the outside in - can you tell which one I should do?  There I go again looking for outside validation?  Arghhhhh!

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