Thursday, February 12, 2015

School Parites + Long Weekend + Sunshine + Trip to the Mountains = HUGE TRIGGERS

So today is Valentine's Day at school.  I ALWAYS feel like having a beer when I get home after I have just managed to get through a party with 30 ten year olds.  It is supposed to be sunny this afternoon (HUGE TRIGGER) and I am going to the mountains for a couple of days after work (PARTAY!!).  Plus, a four day weekend, please.  That would mean I could really party it up with more days available to recover form a hangover.

I remember a couple years ago when we (my family and extended family) went up for the weekend. I took a half day sub so I could come home and get ready to go.  It was sunny so I decided to have a beer at lunch in the sun to celebrate my own self and the trip.  I was driving up with my sister so, perfect! Well, after 4 beers, I finally got my ass upstairs to pack which took forever (I have a bit if ADD anyway and when I drink I lose all focus).

This was my post from November 22, 2011, the date I am talking about:

I did not do all that great this weekend.  We rented a vacation home for Thanksgiving, had it early due to custody schedules with my sister.  Had family Thanksgiving on Saturday.  Had such an exhausting week last week - got off work early Friday since we were leaving, went outside on my porch at noon !!!!!  and had a beer!  I NEVER drink during the day unless on vacation.  I told myself I would on have the one to relax and then get to packing.  I wasn't driving up so guess what - had 3 beers altogether by 3:00.  Got packed up and got to the vaca house.  Then the wine was opened and I had 3 glasses over the course of the evening!  Not good - slept terrible - you know awake at 2:00, heart palpitations, hot flashes, shaky, can't go back to sleep. Said I wasn't going to drink as much the next night.  

Day 2 - Started cooking Thanksgiving dinner with my family and - you guessed it - started drinking - again in the afternoon - only beer at first - I do much better with that - but again the wine got opened for dinner.  Total - 2 beers - 4 glasses of wine and a complete freak out session with my dd right before bed.  Sooooooo disappointed with myself.  Another crappy  night of sleeping - same routine - said I wasn't going to drink the next day.  

Day 3 - 2 beers - 3 glasses of wine - I poured yet another glass of wine and sat down, I said to myself, "What are you doing?  No one around you is even drinking!  The one person that was quit awhile ago!"  I dumped it down the sink and drank three glasses of water before going to bed.  Slept better but extremely exhausted yesterday.  Did not drink and slept wayyyyy better last night.  Now today - tired, depressed, angry, disappointed, etc.  

I told myself that if I had one more hangover, I would abs for at least 30 days.  That is what I should be doing, but I am scared - whole week off, unfinished bottle of wine in the fridge, Christmas parties, etc. 

This is 3 1/2 years ago.  I am so sick of dealing with this shit!

I feel pretty good right now, early in the morning. I really feel like I turned some kind of corner.  Like I really just don't want to drink anymore.  Not because I should, but because I am just really sick of all of it.  For the first time ever, I can actually say I am sick of the buzz.  I have never felt that way before.  I have always been sick of the depression, anxiety, insomnia, anxiety, exhaustion but never the buzz.  That is what would always draw me back in.  It was either the need to feel socially accepted or the desire to alter my mental state.  I don't know what is different, but I just want to have a clear head at all times.  I would call that progress!

However, I am not going to be so niave to believe that I may feel differently when I get home - hyped-up yet exhausted, excited to go to the mountains and for a four day weekend, wanting to sit in the sun.....

I might have some bad cravings this weekend, just because that is what an addicted brain does so I am going to write a little something to myself to read later.

Dear Me,

I know that you really want to drink right now.  I know you think it will help you celebrate, fit in, have fun, relax, be happy and it might for the evening.  However, you will not feel that way in the morning.  You will be disappointed in yourself, mad, tired, anxious, depressed, defeated and most likely hungover (as I am sure if you give yourself permission to drink, you WILL, let me say that again - WILL over drink). Even if you are somehow able to control the amount you drink this weekend (AKA be a good girl), you WILL, let me say that again WILL, end up right back in the same spot you have been in for the last 10 years - depressed, anxious, obsessed, exhausted.  Go back and check your blog for the last several years. The truth/proof is right there in all of you blogs - year and after year - all of the struggles and the fighting with a stupid drug!

It is time to drop the rope. You can do this! You can be happy, relaxed, confident, present, rested, triumphant, proud of yourself and NOT hungover this weekend.  You can do this and no one else should pressure you into doing something that is not the right thing for you.  You know this is the right thing for you.  It is the healthy thing, and it is ultimately the happy thing! You can change the definition of you.


  1. I love this! I love that you are seeing your relationship win alcohol clearly now. At the end of the day, it is Have a great weekend :)

  2. What a great post! You're going to be fine and let's face it - if you're anything like me EVERYTHING is a trigger! Just take it one at a time and keep looking for other ways to make yourself happy. Don't be afraid to go to bed early with a good book or TV show while everyone else stays up drinking. Remember that you won't have 4 days of partying but you WILL have four beautiful days that you'll remember plus four nights of really good sleep.

    You're stronger than you got this!

  3. Just don't drink.
    I wrote myself so many letters. Just like yours.
    Life is so much better than all that fear and darkness. Stick with it.