OK - I think I am going to try again .... to drink responsibly. Honestly, I don't want to go the rest of my life without a beer in the sun or a without a nice glass of wine with dinner. I just don't. Maybe I am in denial ... maybe my addiction is just getting the best of me ... or ... maybe I can moderate ... maybe if I make some rules and really stick to them I can do it ... I have never absed this long ... i feel like I should give myself another chance to moderate .... knowing that if it starts to get the best of me again ... I quit forever ... I am going to think about some rules for myself...
1. Never - ever - drink more than three!
2. Try to keep it at 2
3. No more than one per hour - ever!
4. No drinking Monday through Thursday - ever!
5. Never drink more than 6 in one weekend over a 2-3 night stretch - ever!
6. No pre-partying before an event - wait until I get there
7. Drink a water between
8. No obsessing - you made the decision - as long as I follow the rules - not obsessing
9. If I break the rules - quit forever
10. Take care of myself - get to the gym, eat well, be active, get enough sleep
I know there are a lot of you out there that will shudder at the thought, but I feel like I really want to see if I can do this. I know it will not be easy, and I never-ever want to go back to where I was before, but this is not a very fun way to live life either! There I said it .... sorry ... just the way I fell .... just being honest ...
Seriously? I'm sorry, but... not a good plan. Honestly, you know it's the truth.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I feel sorry for your husband. The one person who (you said) does NOT want you to "try again."
ReplyDeleteWish I could say this was a surprise. Anyone who has to go to this extent to defend an addiction while pretending it isn't one is just not ready. Booze has only taken from you with nothing to show for it. Feel sorry for your family too. Please keep in touch on here if you can.
ReplyDeleteOk. Fair enough. Good luck! Maybe your willpower will be strong enough to control the demon drink and moderate. I know mine wasn't. If it starts to make you miserable again then pull out before you get too low and have to do all that hard work and 'rebuilding of self' (for want of a better phrase) that we all seem to do when we first give it up. All the best & take care. Keep blogging. xxx
ReplyDeleteSo I haven't posted in a while. I decided I was getting too caught up in the thinking about the problem. Obsessing about the latest obsession (my alcohol issues) was just making it worse. I decided it just "play it by ear." Let it be the way it used to be - no drinking during the week, moderate on the weekends (although that is kind of a joke bc I rarely moderated on the weekends). I had a terrible week over Thanksgiving, swore it would be different, had a couple of really good weeks, and now have fallen off the deep end AGAIN! For me that means not being able to go more than 4 days without drinking, some days (during the week) only drinking one or two, bingeing with 5-6 on the weekends and waking up with a HO. Since winter break started, I have had 3 bingeing nights, 3 days spent with a HO and only 2 days abstaining. I think I have a problem. I may be that dreaded A word and I may need help. I just can't seem to get a handle on this alone. My mind is going back to when I would wake up in the morning, trying to plan the next neighborhood get to together just so I could drink. I am not the same as I used to be when I drink. I think I might have really embarrassed myself last night at the party. i don't think I said anything out of line, but anymore I just get so fricking loud. Maybe I have always been, it just is annoying coming from a middle aged woman. I know for a fact I embarrass my teenage children by telling stories about them. This has got to stop! I can't live like this anymore. I am broken, disgusted with myself, incredibly lonely in this self imposed prison of addiction (even though I am surrounded by people who love me) and just exhausted from it all! I need help! I am crying as I type - please don;t let anyone see...
ReplyDeleteDear k,
DeleteI have not posted earlier because I have been without internet for 3 days. I hope you don't think I am anonymous, I am not. I am very tired of the squabbles and feuds that are happening on some of the message boards right now and I really don't want to start any more stress but I think to post the above comments anonymously, is very unfair. If someone is as concerned as "anonymous" professes to be they should be honest with their identity and not cause you the stress of second guessing everybody you have come to trust.
I did use the word "negative" in a reply to you on one of the message boards but I when I used it I said I didn't know why my life while abs'ing was easier than yours seemed to be. I said maybe I was a positive person and you were a negative one, I don't know. I can see why you might take that to mean I thought of you as a negative person, but that's not what I was trying to say. I was just trying to say I don't know you well enough to be able to answer or give further advice about what to do.
I also said that you should go hug your husband, that is a reflection of my own personal struggles. I do not feel sorry for your family, from your posts, you seem to be a wonderful mother that wants to be the best mother you can and are doing everything and taking all of the steps to ensure that. Honestly, I feel a little sorry for all of our spouses having to go through this with us.
I also said that maybe your life wasn't as bad as mine was when I was drinking, and from what you've posted, I don't think it was. I do think that you need to try moderation again because I don't think you have satisfied yourself that you can't do it and until you do that, I don't think you'll be happy abstaining. I'm not convinced you can moderate but I'm not convinced you can't either, but that doesn't matter, what matters is what you think.
In my reply on the message board,I did say that you have been pissed off since you started absing, and I feel like you have been. That is me being honest, just like I would have been honest about who I was if I had posted the above comments. I'm sorry for this long post and I would have sent it as a pm but I feel that anybody that read my reply to you on the message board could easily think that I was "anonymous" and I just want to say that I am not. That's not my style.
As I also said in that reply, I really want you to be happy. Best Wishes. Kary
Cool!
ReplyDelete