6/23/24 - 6 years sober! Still a mess but at least a sober mess

Seven years ago I NEVER thought I would be able to say that I have been six years sober! I didn't think I was physically addicted. I never got the shakes, never morning drank, never drank daily unless on vacation, never got a DUI (even though that was lucky), never lost a job or a relationship because of drinking. I was, however, incredibly emotionally and mentally addicted. 

I am 56 years old and started drinking in high school. Except when pregnant, I drank 90% of all weekends from the ages of 17-50. I never did anything socially without drinking....ever. If I couldn't drink, I just didn't go. If I had to go, I got out as soon as I could. My whole life was built around my weekend drinking. 

I loved drinking in my 20's - we would go out every Friday with our friends, get pretty wasted, have a ton of fun, wake up Saturday with a small hangover, wait for it to go away and then party again on Saturday. Sunday was for eating crappy, recovering and getting ready for the work week. Weekdays were spent going to college to get my teaching degree and then working as an elementary teacher. I loved my life! 

I loved drinking in my 30s - I had two beautiful kids, had a great teaching job that I loved, a pretty decent marriage and great friends. We moved into a brand new neighborhood with lots of new families and quickly made plenty of drinking friends! Every weekend was block parties or getting together with neighbors drinking while the kids were playing. The kids were having fun, we were having fun, no one was judging my drinking and nobody had to drive...perfect! I still was great at my job, felt pretty successful as a mother and was happy!

Things started to shift in my 40s. I think the biggest thing that changed, honestly, was the severity of my hangovers. My hangovers were getting out of control. I was still having fun when drinking and there was no way I was giving that up but the hangovers were becoming 2-4 day events that just crushed me. My 40s were when  I started making deals and promises with myself. I spent hundreds of hours reading self help books about drinking less, spending entire summer breaks trying to figure out why I could not cut down, adding thousands of pages to a journal and hundreds of entries to my blog. I could write a book! Why my drinking was starting to happen on Thursdays (Thirsty Thursday) and on Sundays? Why I would find myself waking up at 2:00 every Saturday and Sunday morning with extreme anxiety, heart palpitations, nausea and mentally torturing myself about how I didn't keep my promise to myself and yet again and drank too much? I was starting to have more instances of embarrassing behavior where I basically lost it while drunk. I would wake up so ashamed of myself, so disappointed in myself, making promises to myself yet again but also not understanding why I was having such a hard time keeping those promises. I mean....I wasn't that bad. I wasn't like my father. Now he was an alcoholic - losing many teaching jobs requiring us to always move and me to attend six elementary schools, going completely off the grid on a bender, getting DUIs, losing his family....choosing alcohol over us. That wasn't me. I had a great job, great family, great friends, a great credit score and was a responsible, loving, caring human! I remember reading once that I felt like I was standing on a burning bridge trying to figure out why it was burning instead of just getting off the damn bridge! I spent years on that bridge while the flames were destroying me. I hated myself while also keeping up the facade that everything is fine...it's fine...it's all fine! I am happy...everything is perfect!

I spent at least 5-7 years in this pattern - drinking Friday and Saturday at least, having extreme physical, mental and emotional hangovers Sunday though Tuesday beating myself up and promising myself that I would not drink the next weekend. I would feel so firm about that decision until Wednesday night when I convinced myself that I am not that bad, that I don't need to stop, that I can control it and then spending Wednesday, Thursday and Friday planning my drinking for the weekend. I would plan a party or a get together or an outing so I could say, "Well, I can't stop drinking this weekend."  Over and over and over and over. I felt like I was on a torture hamster wheel experiencing groundhogs week every week for years. It was exhausting! I was just dumbfounded why I couldn't figure this out. I am an intelligent, loving, caring woman who is not an alcoholic! I have a masters degree for God's sake! Why couldn't I keep my promises to even drink less?  

Here is how I finally did it. One Saturday, June 10, 2018, I was at my sister's house drinking of course even after promising myself I would keep it under control. I was probably on my second bottle of wine playing cards at around 11:00. My husband wanted to leave and I didn't want to stop. I think everyone else probably wanted me to go home as well but I was ready to PARTY!!! He left and my brother in law drove me home around 1:00 am. Of course I woke up feeling terrible, physically, mentally and emotionally. I felt like such an embarrassment, such a failure, I just wanted to take some pills that I had left over from a surgery. I almost did. I didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted this day to be over so I could stop feeling so bad. I very well could have accidently overdosed that day...that is how low I felt. I just wanted to go to sleep to stop thinking about what a miserable piece of shit I was but I couldn't sleep because I was sweating, nauseas, my heart was racing and my mind would not stop beating the shit out of itself.

My husband, who had always supported whatever I wanted to do...probably to the point of enabling, never gave me shit about my drinking or hangovers. He just wanted me to be happy whatever that meant. He supporting me drinking or quitting. He said to me that day, "Either quit drinking or be an alcoholic...you choose." He was pissed and what he said devastated me. How could he say that to me? Couldn't he see the personal hell I was already living in - how much I was already beating myself up? How could he be so mean to someone suffering so much? Somehow I got through the day of crying and anger and misery and made it to Tuesday and guess what!  I fucking wanted to drink again the next weekend!!!!! What the hell! What is wrong with me?!?!?!  All day Tuesday, June 13, and Wednesday, June 14, I had the most intense internal battle I have ever had. One voice begging, "You are fine, you just slipped up. You are strong, not an alcoholic and can do this. Just try harder! You have a little drinking problem that you can beat. It is all about moderation management....harm reduction." The other voice was pleading. "You need help!!! You can't do this. You have been trying for years. You are getting worse. Make the misery stop! Make the call. Call the doctor. Reach out. Get out of your own head. Get help!!!" 

On Thursday, June 15, I made the scariest phone call of my life. I was just sobbing when I said, "I need to make an appointment because I think I might have a drinking problem." They asked me some questions to determine that I did not need to be admitted for detox and made me an appointment in 2 weeks. 2 weeks! How was I supposed to go that long without drinking??? I wasn't sure I could, but I just stayed home, probably in bed, terrified about what the future held. Was this the right decision? Did I really need to get this extreme? Was this really necessary? How would I ever have fun and enjoy anything again in life ever again without drinking? This was stupid! I am just going to cancel the appointment. I am not that bad! I don't think I want to stop. I don't think I will ever be happy without drinking. 

But, somehow, I did it and made it to the appointment. I told the doctor what I was going through but I didn't think I was an alcoholic. I think I had an alcohol use disorder. The doctor asked me, "Have you tried to stop and cut down? Have you been unable to?" My answer was yes. He said, "Call it what you want but you are an alcoholic and alcoholism is a progressive disease that will just get worse. You need professional help."  I sat there in shock, much like when my husband said that to me. I just said to him, "That wasn't very nice" and he said "Sometimes the truth isn't nice to hear." That took me days to process. Could he be right?  Could I have been fooling myself? Could I have been in DENIAL??? What, not me! Would I just get worse? Would I become like my father, who lost everything and eventually died from the disease? I was so confused.

I finally came to the truth. I did have a problem. And I was physically addicted as well. My excruciating hangovers were withdrawals to a drug that my addicted body and mind were craving. When I would watch the show Intervention, which I was weirdly (except not really) obsessed with, I would see people detach from everyone, get a hotel room and just drink as much as they wanted without anyone judging them. Or this one guy left everything and went to the Florida Keys to do the same thing. I had a craving to do that! Like this deep down hunger to fill....like I wanted that...I needed that....I craved that. That was a scary thought. 

That along with what my husband and what the doctor said finally got me to take off my "rose colored glasses" and see myself more clearly. I was a mess and had been for a long time. I was so dysfunctional in my relationships and with my behavior and I was finally able to see that alcohol was killing my soul. All of the embarrassing moments, the broken promises, the feeling like complete shit about myself just were destroying me. I was living my own personal hell inside my brain that I fiercely protected because I didn't want anyone telling me I should stop drinking or judge me. I decided to take the next step.

I signed up for outpatient therapy with group support meetings three times a week and individual therapy once a week. I did this for six weeks. I like to think of this time period as when I walked out of the fog. All of these people, who were clearly worse than me (lol) with their DUIs, their court ordered attendance, their multiple relapses on heroin or opiates or alcohol, had the exact same thought processes as I had been dealing with for decades. I was overcome with wonder, awe and curiosity that the addicted brain tells all of us the same lies no matter how "bad" you are, what your drug of choice is or how bad things have gotten. We all had the same addicted voice torturing us - begging us with all types of rationalization to not stop feeding it. When they spoke, I felt like it was my own voice. How could this be? 

I also learned to truly understand the phrase, "there but for the grace of God go I" because I saw myself in them. They may also be loving, kind, intelligent people who are struggling with addiction just like me. I soaked it up. I couldn't get enough of the metaphors (riding the craving waves or watching the clouds pass by) and the personal stories. I spent those six weeks completely immersed in my own recovery much as I had spent the past 10 years completely obsessed with controlling it and the previous two decades in love with drinking. Alcohol had been my lifelong obsession both good and bad...bringing the best and worst of times.

I was diagnosed with OCD and General Anxiety Disorder. Well that was no surprise to me!  I tried antidepressants but they gave me the brain zaps which scared me so I stopped. I often pondered the chicken or the egg question. Was I self medicating or did the alcohol cause these struggles but again...the burning bridge....what difference does it make?

I am not overly religious and did not attend any AA meetings but many of their sayings, which used to think of as so cliche, really stuck with me. One is "one day at a time". That became my mantra because thinking about how I was going to do holidays, weekends, parties, vacations without drinking was impossible to even comprehend and had led me to many a relapse. Thinking about how much the future was going to suck without alcohol made me not give up alcohol for way too long. I just focused on one day at a time. Each of those sober days under my belt built up my toolbox and strength to get through another weekend or event or vacation. I was strengthening my sober muscles every day that I didn't drink. That first year was not easy. I cried, had debilitating anxiety attacks, isolated myself, pretty much lost contact with all my friends. While I was so proud of myself and felt so much better I was also pretty sad, lonely and scared. 

The last five years I have not been a walk in the park either. Life happens. It isn't all rainbows and unicorns now that I have stopped drinking. I still struggle a great deal with anxiety. I am struggling with a terrible case of an empty nest. I miss my kids so much! I miss them needing me. I miss the joy and anticipation I used to get from planning my next weekend, vacation or drinking event. I have a hard time looking forward to things. I don't have a lot of friends because I am scared everyone will just want to drink. I am not tempted to drink, just a little jealous at how much fun they are having so would just rather not attend. When getting over what I now know as social anxiety that I medicated with alcohol and actually do attend a social event, I am glad I went and it wasn't as bad as I anticipated. But, more often than not, I decline. I have learned that I am an extremely sensitive and insecure person. I can be overbearing and a bit controlling. I have built a life on what others think of me and putting up this facade that everything is perfect...trying to be the perfect version of myself...hiding all of my insecurities and obsessions with external validation.  I am not great right now and am going to go back to counseling to deal with some of these issues. At least I can see myself more clearly.

But......I do not for one single second regret quitting drinking! I learned that I miss the anticipation of drinking more than the drinking itself. I absolutely do not miss the hangovers and the beating myself up about broken promises or drunken behavior. I, without a doubt, would have been worse today in my addiction than I was six years ago had I not stopped. I miss the high highs but do not miss the low lows. It just isn't worth it. The pain of stopping was more than the pain of continuing.

I am so much more present now. I can have conversations with other people and not have it always about me or when would be a good pause to refill my glass. I had become pretty self absorbed and while I still struggle with that, it is so much better. I can be there for people when they need me, I don't have to plan my whole life around when I am going to be able to drink. I have learned, shockingly, that many people don't drink. I am still amazed at how many people in a restaurant aren't drinking. I thought everyone drank! 

I am so much better at managing my emotions and trying to always be a better version of myself. My negative self talk, while it is still there, is much better. I have also gotten so much better at understanding that everyone does not see the world the way I do and it is not my job to convince them to see it my way....that I am always right. I feel I am better at stepping back, being an observer, not trying to live in this constant state of trying to control everything. I am also recently realizing that I bring chaos into my life. I have remodeled a house, sold a house, cleaned out my mom's house, built a house, moved across the county, bought a condo and had four different teaching jobs in the past six year. Am I trying to replace the chaos of drinking with other chaos? 

I have a long way to go in terms of being mentally healthy but at least I can see my shortcomings a little more clearly, a little more objectively, a little less emotionally charged, a little more rationally so I can work on them without self medicating with a drug.

Most of all I am so stinking proud of myself, and for something real!  I did it! I didn't think I would ever stop drinking! I still have drinking dreams, especially when stressed, but they remind me how far I have come, how much work I did, how proud I am of myself and that I will never be cured. While not perfect, I am absolutely a better version of myself. I can rationally see my struggles without blaming them all on alcohol, I can try to deal with them. I am so grateful that I did not lose my loving, supportive family, my career that I love or my own life to this terrible devastating disease called alcoholism that I do accept I have. I am so proud to say that I am a recovering alcoholic. 

1/20 - My 53rd Birthday - The dumpster fire year of 2020

Today I turn 53. Where am I at?

What has happened in the last year? Soooo much!

We sold our beloved family home of 22 years. I am sad almost every day as it contained all of my memories of raising my children. I lived there from the age of 30 to 52. We built that house when there was nothing out there. It was so peaceful. We had a private, beautiful backyard with a great patio, s a deck with a hot tub, views of the mountains and the city and so many birds. I especially loved the Meadowlarks. It was brand new. It was so exciting. A lot of wonderful amazing years happened in that house. My children's whole life in is that house. All of their memories of childhood. I moved around so much as a kid that I wanted to give my kids stability. As much as I sometimes struggled throughout those years, I feel we gave them a pretty darn good childhood there. They always had their friends over to our house....so many legos, knex, Polly pockets, barbies. So many family movie nights, ski trips, bike rides, family vacations, garage door movie nights, sleepovers on the trampoline, Christmases, birthdays., learning how to drive, graduating from high school. So many pets...5 dogs, 2 guinea pigs, 2 hamsters, 2 hermit crabs, 1 fish..many of whom are buried in the backyard. So many emotional memories as well....a very difficult pregnancy, my dd first breakups, learning my son is gay, dealing with the deaths of loved ones....all have energy in that house. I feel guilty for taking that house away from them. I also have so many fun adult memories of all the parties, trips to Lake Powell and Glenwood Springs, Chili cook-offs, New Year's Eve parties, Pub Crawls with all of our neighbors. I really miss the sun. We had great southern exposure with no wind in our backyard. I could sit outside in the sun any time of day. I miss just sitting on our beautiful back patio in the sun with some wine watching my ducks that would come every year. I miss walking my dogs around the lake a few times a week. I miss going on night-time bike rides with my son.  I really miss my house :(

A lot of hard memories happened there as well...the debilitating struggle of being addicted to alcohol, so many days spent in bed feeling so sick and so mad at myself, many embarrassing drunken moments that left me filled with regret, many really nasty fights and so much drama between extended family members, so many days hiding in my study obsessing over my alcohol problems, some really tough times in my marriage including almost getting divorced, severe depression including shutting myself off from everyone and everything for almost 6 months. So much stress and worry about owning a house...two flooding incidents, dealing with terrible contractors, a terribly built deck with under decking that constantly leaked, this breaking, that leaking, this settling allowing water in, that falling apart, my brand new remodel starting to have problems. Everything building up around us. So many more people, houses, traffic, noise. It really wasn't the same anymore. Kind of tired of living in a cookie-cutter neighborhood with not much of a yard.

I have had dreams about that house for the last couple of months. I need to let it go. We made the decision to sell and move for many solid reasons - it was a great time to sell (we got almost 100,000 over the asking price) and we were eventually going to move to be closer to our daughter anyway, my mom was/is struggling with a couple of health issues - she is fine for now but eventually she wouldn't be and there is no way she could live in our house with the stairs. I have watched her take care of bother of her parents and my stepdad until they died, two of which had debilitating Alzheimers in the end. I will not put her in a home. I will take care of her. And finally, I talked to my financial advisor asking if we could retire in five years as we have been saving a ton of money in Roth IRAs and I am a teacher of 30 years and have PERA. He said we are right on track to retire at 65 but would run out of money if we retired any sooner. We are not working for 12 more years. My husband desperately wants to retire and have some land and a big garage. After a couple of months of analyzing, making pro and con spreadsheets, and talking to anyone that would listen....we decided to sell our house, move in with my mom (she lives in a 5500 sq ft house), save a bunch of money, pay cash for a house closer to my daughter, move her with us and retire. I really struggled with the decision, but made it and now need to accept it. I need to let it go. The house is not the memories. I will always have the memories. People move all the time. It will be ok. We will find something better. Living in my mom's house is temporary. We choose to do it for very good reasons. It will all work out in the end. I need to let that house go.

COVID - This last year was also the year of COVID. No one I know has gotten super sick but it has been incredibly scary. It has been hard to watch the news but yet I have been unable to turn away. Reading about cities having to burn bodies because the morgues are full, to watching the heartbreak of loved ones not being able to see sick or elderly family members....it is all so sad. Personally, it has impacted our ability to go on vacation and to see my daughter. I am a teacher so we have been back and forth between hybrid and full remote all year. It is difficult for me but even harder for the kids and families of young children. I have been doing all of the shopping for my mom since March. It has been so busy with getting my mom's house ready for us to move in which was quite an undertaking to getting my house ready to put on the market to selling it to moving. On top of all that dealing with remote teaching and COVID. This year has been a lot.

Trump - This has been the time of Trump. I have been incredibly bothered having such an arrogant, selfish, childish leader of our country that has no regard for international relations, the destruction of the planet, or even basic human rights. Again I hate watching the news about him but just couldn't look away. Four years ago on my birthday, he was sworn in and it was not a great birthday. I waited 4 years for him to self-destruct and it finally happened with the attack on the Capital. Not only that but it has been a year of racial protests and police violence. Politically, 2020, was a dumpster fire. So much fighting and disagreement and hatred. Thank GOd this birthday was better with the election and final admitted defeat of the racists, elitist Trump. 

My mom's sorrow - My stepfather passed away last March. He had been super sick with Alzheimer's and Parkinson's. She took care of him until the end at home. It had been a rough couple of years with the end being excruciating. This year has been so hard for her. Not only is she going through the grieving process but she can't go to church, she can't have lunch with her friends, she can't visit her relatives. She has been isolated, alone, and sad. I don't know how to help her. I just try to listen and understand. 

My husband's job - he was laid off in November due to the company outsourcing the who place. He had worked there for over ten years, was making really good money, and had a lot of vacation time. thank goodness we had already sold our house. He now has another job working nights which is terrible for his health. We will see how long he can handle it. I wish he would find something else. We are getting along pretty well right now. We hardly ever fight and are both working toward the same goal....living close to our kids, taking care of my mom, and retiring.

My kids are great! My son is a senior at an engineering school. He is so smart and dedicated. He will graduate in two years with a master's degree in mechanical engineering, a major in engineering physics, and a minor in computer engineering. He has been a huge help with the move and is so conscientious about COVID and his grandma. He worries a lot about a lot of stuff - politics, the planet, his dad, human rights, his grandma, asbestos in my mom's house, fossil fuels....He also has a boyfriend of a couple of years. He even told his grandma this year. Almost everyone in my family knows and accepts him for who he is. I am so glad he is happy and has someone that makes him happy. they are funny together...just two guys who never talk about emotions or the future or fight, no drama....they just get along like two friends that happen to love each other. My daughter is teaching in Alaska. She does not like living there and goes through periods of depression because she is away from her family, but she has a wonderful husband and a dog that is her whole world. She is such an amazing girl and I miss her terribly. We will live close to each other in the future. I am sure of it. 

My sisters - this area had improved over the last year. I am getting along as well as can be expected with both of them. It is a little uncomfortable sometimes but at least they are both talking to me even if they aren't talking to each other. I am trying really hard to not get caught up in any drama, not be oversensitive, not be so concerned about their opinion....it is hard and I am not great at it but I am just trying to be the best person I can be in our relationships and leave it at that. I wish we could all just forget about the past and move on. It is killing my mom that they still aren't talking to each other but they are both too selfish to get over it. There is nothing I can do about it so I just have to not worry about it. 

And finally....my struggles with alcohol.....I am incredibly grateful to report....there are not any struggles! Even after everything that has happened in the last year I have not had one single serious craving to drink. The thought does come into my head every once in a while. Thoughts like...if I was still drinking I would be....is it sad I can never drink on vacation again?....will I ever have friends as a sober person?.....will I ever feel like I fit in at work when I don't ever go to the happy hours?.....will I have cravings when everything calms down and I am bored?.....will I be able to find new friends when we move without drinking?....Is my life the life of an old person, setting puzzles with my mom on a Saturday night?....will I ever have a social life again that I enjoy and actually want?.....but none of these thoughts make me want to drink.....ever and I am very happy about that. If I can make it through this year without even a craving....that's pretty good. I think I have learned how to be busy and sober....now I have to practice being bored and sober.

What are my hopes for this year? Well, the same goal I have had for the past I don't know how many years....to get back in shape - to work out, work on my yoga, meditate, get enough sleep, read more, watch less tv, eat well and drink more water. I really want to work this year on mental health as well. I am really trying to live in the moment. I want to focus on the hear and now instead of trying to plan and control my future. I want to just truly believe that things will work out the way they should without me trying to think of every possible scenario and make sure I try to control the road we go down. I just need to settle in at my mom's house, enjoy the lack of stress, save a bunch of money, not have sorrow for the past (selling my house, my kids growing up, the way our family used to be) or anxiety about the future (where are we going to live, when will we retire, will I live next to my kids, will we have enough money) and just be grateful for right now. 

I woke up on my birthday morning on Inauguration Day for Joe Biden and felt a great sense of hope...for our country, for the planet, for race relations, for international relations, for the end of COVID, for my mom's recovery, for our new journey towards retirement, for my sobriety, for my happiness. It was a good feeling.

12/26/20 Past, Present and Future

 

I saw this quote this morning and it really spoke to me.  I AM SO BAD IN THIS AREA. I am getting better at not replaying scenarios from the past. Quitting drinking has really helped with this. Being sober has helped my anxiety immensely in this area. I still get sad about things, like selling my home of 23 years but I try to put it into perspective and know that I spent a great deal of energy and time last summer making sure it is what was best in the long run. I made the decision from a rational mind, did it, and need to move on.  It is also helpful that I don't regret my behavior anymore. Being sober has allowed me to be 100% present in the moment and in control of the things I say and how I act. Plus I am way less sensitive which helps.

The part that is still hard for me is not having to control the future. In my perfect world, my daughter and son both start families and live close to us. My immediate family has always been super close. I LOVE having my kids around and am heartbroken that my daughter currently lives in Alaska. My son is getting close to graduating college and I am not sure where he will end up. I so badly want us to live close to each other. I am trying so hard to make this happen....even to the point of selling my house so we can move closer to Alaska so that maybe my daughter would move and her husband would be closer to his family. This is what she wants but it isn't just up to her. My son also likes the Pacific Northwest so that is another plus to moving in that area but who knows where he will end up.  All of this gives me a lot of anxiety. I can no longer control where my kids live and how much time we spend together. As much as I try...it is not in my control...which drives me crazy.

We are in Alaska right now visiting my daughter. I need to remain in the present moment. Enjoy this time with her. Not worry about if they are moving. Not trying to figure out where they would move to if they did move. My worrying about it does cause stress between her and her husband bc it is a touchy subject for them. I know she has to live her life and make her own decisions. With everyone else in my life, I am getting better about this. Just be the best person I can be in the moment and not worry about anyone else's opinions or decisions. I just can't seem to get there with my kids. I am so scared it won't turn out the way I want it to.

I need to just believe things will work out the way they are supposed to and just enjoy today. Maybe this will be by New Year's Resolution....to stop worrying and trying to control the future....to enjoy the present moment and just believe everything will work out the way it should.

12/20/20 - A lot has changed

 

Who so much has changed since last summer.....where do I begin.

Family - this area is better. Those of you that have been reading my blog for a while know that there has been a lot of drama between me, my sisters, and our mother over the years. This area, for me, is better. I am getting along fine with my mom and my sister that didn't talk to me for years. The sister that has recently gotten mad at me has apparently forgiven me for reaching out to the other sister and is talking to me again. My two sisters are not talking to each other and one of my sister's relationship with our mom is strained, but I am on good terms with all of them.  I am learning, finally, that all I can do is focus on my relationships...to try to be the best daughter and sister that I can be but not worry so much about what others think of me. As long as I am kind and considerate with everyone and try not to make my own judgments about others I am much happier. I am really working on not worrying about what they think about me. If they have a problem with me...they can either talk to me directly about it or it is their problem. As long as I am proud of my words and my behavior, I just can't worry about it. This is a huge step for me. I have spent my life obsessed with what other people think of me and experienced so much anxiety if everyone doesn't think I am a good person. I am trying to listen more...talk less...seek understanding more...defend myself less....be empathetic towards others more...get people to feel sympathy toward me less...it all comes down to patience both with myself and others.  It's not easy and I am not always successful but I am trying. It is about what makes me happy and peaceful inside not about what others think of me.  My kids and husband have noticed a huge change in me and have told me...which makes me so happy because no matter what I say....I care intensely what my daughter, son, and husband think of me. If they think I am a kind person....that is all I need. that won't ever change.

House sale - Since last summer so much has happened that has made us decide to sell our home of 23 years.  It is so hard and I am struggling with the loss of the home I loved so much as it is where I raised my children...so many memories.  First, my stepfather passed away in March. My mom was living in this 5,000 sq foot house by herself and having some issues with her eyes and vertigo. She had fallen at her house. I was pretty worried about her living by herself.  She couldn't move in with us because we have stairs.  Second, we talked to our financial advisor about when we could retire. Because we had refinanced our house so many times to finish a basement, put on a deck, remodel the kitchen, pay for college, etc. we still owed like $300,000 on the house. I am a teacher of 30 years and we had been fully funding our IRA for 20 years. He said we are right on track.....to retire at 65. That is still 12 years for me and 8 for my husband. That was super hard to hear. I always thought we could retire when I was 55 and he was 60. If we didn't have a mortgage, we could retire but how to come up with $300,000??  Third, I miss my daughter an insane amount. She lives in Juneau with her husband and I don't ever see them moving to Colorado....maybe to a smaller town in the Pacific Northwest but not the overpopulated, expensive, far from his family, Denver area. Our house was also not great for them to visit...especially when they start a family.  Lastly, my husband has wanted to move for a while. He has always dreamed of having a few acres and a nice big garage that is all his. Sooo....after a couple of months of pro/con lists, thinking, worrying, processing, talking to anyone that would listen, going back and forth....we decided to sell our beloved home. It turned out great financially...we got $100,000 over asking!!! We had a newly remodeled home in a desirable area with great schools and sold it during a housing shortage. We had 75 showings and 18 offers in 2 days....it was crazy. And.....moved in with my mom. I just made the most sense. She has a huge ranch with a walkout basement. We moved on November 30.

I am not going to lie...it has been difficult. On the one hand, I, and my kids, are heartbroken at the loss of our home. I loved my house. It was so bright and sunny, newly remodeled, had a south-facing backyard with a covered patio and waterfall. I could sit out there in the sun at any time of the year. We built that house and were the only owners. Every memory in that house we made, every plant - we planted, it had been my life for 23 years. My son is 22 and my daughter 26 so there are a lot of memroies. It has been difficult moving in with my mom at 52 years old. We have done our best to carve out a place of our own but it still her house...her things....her thermostat. Plus, my patience is really being put to the test while living with your mother again. Nothing against her...just not always super easy. Honestly, I am mostly struggling with how dark her house is. I definitely need natural light for my emotional well being. And...it is temporary. My son graduates from a prestigious engineering school here close to us with 3 degrees (so he will be self-sufficient) in two years. That is when we will move.

On top of all that....COVID! Enough said about that!!!

The positive - we have zero debt! We have $350,000 in cash for a down payment on a new house. We will save a bunch of money over the next two years. The plan is to pay cash for a new house so no mortgage. We can retire in 3 years just as we planned. My mom will sell her house and move with us. I feel great about being there for her...being the daughter she was to her mother. Hopefully, my daughter will eventually move closer and my husband may get his dream of land and a garage/shop. My son likes the PNW so hopefully, we will all be close to each other. We will build this new life I have in my mind. 

And for the best news....after all of that....I am still sober! 2 1/2 years sober! I am so much better equipped to deal with all of these changes and stress now that I am sober. I would not have had the energy or mental capacity to make these changes if I was still caught up in my own self-imposed, selfish, obsessive, destructive, all-consuming, downward spiral of addiction. 

7/13/20 - Exhausted today but have a plan

I do not feel very good today. I feel kind of like when I used to drink. Last night I went to bed and my brain felt swollen like my ears were full. It is a weird feeling that I used to get all the time while suffering a hangover. I woke up at midnight with a terrible headache and had to get up and take some Tylenol. My weekend was very "bipolar-ish". I was texting with my sister Friday and Saturday (like 50 texts) which caused me an extreme amount of anxiety. I went from being sad and crying to angry to anxious. I spent the last three days in an obsessive manic talking spree to anyone that would listen...my husband, daughter, son, my other sister. Hours spent on the phone analyzing, discussing, obsessing, rationalizing, contemplating. Basically, the sister who is now mad at me told me that she will not have a relationship with me as long as I have a relationship with my other sister. Up to this point, I had just been waiting, for four months, as she needed time to come to terms with the fact that I had reached out to our other sister after a four-year estrangement. I just wanted to have a relationship with both of them. I was just sick of all the drama. Friday she told me she didn't need any more time and that she had "made peace" with the situation. That was heartbreaking to hear. How could she just throw away our relationship just bc I wanted to make up without our other sister. The two of them have a lot of pretty deep hurt, anger and conflict but it doesn't involve me. She felt like I should have "had her back" and that I betrayed her and out relationship by reaching out. I, btw, told her before I did it. It wasn't behind her back. I do not regret the decision I made bc my original motivation was to make amends for the six cousins involved. I was tired of them suffering because of adult problems. In the process, my sister and I made up.

I can't change the way she feels. I have tried/begged for her to forgive me and choose to still have a relationship with me. She will not. I can't change that. I can hope that someday she will come around, but I can't force it. There is nothing else I can do.

I just need to let it go!

There is a pretty big difference in the way I handled the situation after two years sober than how I might have before. In my texting with her, I was much more level headed. I didn't get super defensive, I ignored particularly hurtful things she said just to bait me into a reaction. I treated her with respect and kindness. I did say that I  thought she was being a bit selfish and immature but that is the only negative thing I said. I was just trying to get her to see that she does not have to look at herself as a victim. That she can choose to let go of her anger and still have a relationship with me.

What I still need to work on is to stop obsessing and letting myself get into this super anxious state that consumes me. I am beginning to be able to recognize my physical symptoms of anxiety now that I am not drinking and blaming it all on having a hangover. I get that swollen head feeling, I get kind of dizzy, I get super distracted, I talk at a frenzied pace...I just can't stop talking about it. I get a little bipolar where I either feel completely worn out, want to go to bed and do nothing or I am super hyper and a bit manic in my behavior. It is exhausting.

I need to let it go!

I need to get back to taking care of myself. Meditating, working out, doing yoga, reading, sleeping, drinking water, eating healthy and just thinking positively and having gratitude for the good things in my life. I need to focus on what makes me happy and content and peaceful. Things will work out...they always do.

I will let it go.

I am going to start this journal that I bought last January called Master Your Life by Kristen Race. It is all about doing something for 90 days and changing your routines, habits and mindset.  It's kind of like a daily planner/habit tracker/gratitude journal. I have started and stopped this journal four or five-time since January never holding to my commitment. I start school in a little over four weeks. I am going to commit to the next 30 days to do this planner every day. I am going to focus on my mental and physical health. I have got to get myself back.

Today I am just going to do as much as I can as I do not feel super great. I will meditate, work out, fill out my journal, make dinner, eat healthily, drink water, and maybe take a nap. That is enough for today and it is better than binge-watching 90 Day Fiance while eating popcorn and cereal all day.

7/12/20 - Emotional Hangover

There is a little bit of new drama in my life I am working through right now. I have two sisters. We have always been super close or fighting. Rarely have all three of us been in a good place with each other at the same time. A few years ago we found out some things about one of my sisters that caused a huge divide in our family. She chose to move to another state and not talk to any of us for years. I developed a pretty good relationship with my other sister during this time. It wasn't perfect as we are very different but we weren't fighting. We had grown a bit apart over the past couple of years bc I was no longer drinking. I think drinking gave us common ground as we are both pretty different. When we were drinking we could look past that little bit of comfortableness that was there when we were hanging out. Anyways, we were good.  There are six cousins involved and my children were sad that they couldn't have a relationship with the two cousins that had moved so I decided, after four years, to reach out to the estranged sister so that they could see each other. No one else was going to do it. It was pretty hard. We had some very difficult conversations where we were both honest about our feelings. We each apologized for what we thought we should and agreed to let the rest go. This sister and I are much more alike and I really did miss her and her kids. I am so glad we have a relationship again and she doesn't drink either...so that's a plus.

The conflict between my sisters is pretty deep and goes probably 30 years back. I don't know if they will ever be able to work things out. They can both be pretty stubborn. The problem is that the sister I have had a relationship with for the past four years now won't talk to me bc I made up with our other sister. She feels completely betrayed by me. She feels, "How could you make up with her after everything she has done to me. You turned your back on me and my kids. If you have a relationship with her, you can not have one with me." While I completely understand that I hurt her with my decision I do not regret it. I did what I felt was best for the kids and frankly for myself. I was sick of the conflict and drama. I just wanted to get along with everyone. If they had their conflict and chose to never makeup, that was their choice, but I chose to be happy, peaceful, not angry or resentful, and have a relationship with everyone in my family. I don't understand why she can't see that and still choose to have a relationship with me. We had a long conversation via text, as she won't speak to me in person, Friday night and yesterday morning. I have practically begged for her forgiveness and taken responsibility for hurting her but tried to make her see that she can choose to forgive me and have a relationship with me. She just won't do it. She says she has "made peace" with her decision and that she now needs to protect her family. I really don't understand that. Protect them from what?

I tried and tried and tried and cried but she isn't going to change her mind. I am heartbroken. I now have to come to terms with the fact that while I have a relationship with one of my sisters, I now do not have one with the other. It sucks! I don't understand why it has to be this way. Why can't I have a relationship with everyone? I talked to my daughter, son, and husband about it and I asked the question, "If I had to pick, who would I chose?" They said, "You chose the one that doesn't make you chose." I think that makes a lot of sense. I feel it is pretty selfish of her to stop speaking to me just bc of the decision I made. And she blames me for causing drama...I don't think so. I feel like she is being a little selfish and immature.

So today I woke up sad, confused, exhausted, headachy, and pretty numb. I don't know what else I can do. I will not choose. I chose both of my sisters. If she ever chooses to have me back in her life I will absolutely be happy about that with no hard feelings about some of the things she has said to me. I have to come to terms with the fact that she has to make that decision and that she maybe never will. I may never have a relationship with her again which is incredibly painful, but I can't do anything about it. I am a fixer but I can't fix this. The only way to fix it with her is to stop speaking to my other sister and in my heart that fixes nothing bc then I am still not in a relationship with one of them. It is only fixed for me if I have a relationship with both of them. I need to come to terms with the fact that I can't fix this and let it be. Hopefully she will change her mind in the future.

6/24/20 - Struggling a bit...blah...

I am struggling a bit with a lack of motivation, no inspiration, and some depression. I have gotten myself in a terrible habit of not doing anything productive during the day. I feel like I am just floundering. I don't know if it is because we have no vacations planned... I really look forward to going somewhere every summer. I don't know if it is because I really miss my daughter and don't know if I will see her before September.  I don't know if it is because I have been at home since March with very little human contact other than family. On top of that, I have one sister that isn't even speaking to me and has actually said some pretty hurtful things because I made amends with my other sister which is bothering me. I am so tired of all the drama...family drama, political drama, societal drama, this damned virus. Even though I am incredibly sick of it, I find myself becoming addicted to the news and tv in general. I find myself on a screen constantly either to check my news feed, to watch stupid tv, to mindlessly scroll through social media (which always makes me feel inadequate) or shopping, researching, and analyzing something on the internet. More times than not, I also then find myself eating crappy food while doing so.  And then I can't sleep which just makes me more tired the next day. I feel just a lack of joy for life. I have all these big plans to change and get myself in shape and finish projects, but the days just seem to pass and I do nothing but sit. I don't know how to get myself out of this lackluster spot. 

I think what I need to do is not "think" my way out of it but "do" my way out of it.  This is what finally allowed me to stop drinking. I went to therapy and IOP...even if I didn't feel like I wanted to. I need to get up and work out, do my projects, get stuff done...even if I don't feel like it. 

I just feel so blah. I need to shake this feeling because it is getting really depressing.